After an action-packed “Bachelorette” premiere that included a masked Phantom of the Mansion and a guy who got so drunk they had to pour him in a cab and send him home, we are back with the episodes where the dates start. Fun stuff.
Blonde-haired, blue-eyed hunk William gets the first one-on-one, which whisks him and Ashley off to Las Vegas. Their first stop is a wedding cake shop, where they smush cake on each other’s faces. They then go pick out rings. William does not know what is happening and neither do I. Ashley is cracking herself up as she walks him through all these Vegas-wedding activities and William starts playing along – until a minister at a chapel is there and ready to go, then William starts to get a wee bit nervous.
Ashley comes into the chapel in her white mini-dress and the minister begins. William just keeps right on rolling with the punches, saying, “I do” to the minister. Ashley finally puts a stop to these shenanigans and honestly – WTF? Um, this is weird and creepy, not so much with the funny. Jeff of the Mask should’ve had this date.
They do kiss and it’s pretty nifty, some sparkage seems to be flying. Ashley says she’s fallen for William after half a date. That night, they get to row through the Bellagio fountain pond and have dinner on a platform out in the middle of the pond, which is very cool.
During dinner, William reveals to her about his dad’s alcoholism and subsequent death. It sounds like he died due to injuries sustained from a beating? Geez. William also has a watch that stopped at the time of his dad’s death and he’s left it that way ever since. Ashley identifies, as her father is also an alcoholic. It’s very intense. Ashley (of course) gives him a rose. And then the fountains go off. Very romantic.
While William and Ashley are in Vegas, Jeff tells Ames he’ll reveal his face on his first date with Ashley (any one-on-one time). Hmm. The group date card reveals that the men on the group date will be Constantine, Ryan M., Chris, Ben F., Nick, Bentley, West, Lucas, Stephen, Blake, Matt and Ames. Guess Jeff is out of luck this time around. Ryan P., Mickey, Ben C., Jeff and JP don’t get a date.
Ashley takes the guys to a theatre where the JabbaWockeeZ are performing. The troupe rose to fame on “America’s Best Dance Crew” and the date is rehearsing with them for a show. The guys are split into two teams and one team gets to perform with the JWZ and one has to go home – and they have to choreograph their own routine. Yikes.
Constantine comes up with doing a wedding routine where the bride never shows. Stephen is the groom, Ames is the priest, the rest are groomsmen and then Ashley shows up late. It’s pretty clever. They call themselves The Best Men and also include Ryan M., Matt and Chris.
Bentley, West, Ben F., Lucas, Blake and Nick’s group calls themselves No Rhythm Nation and they are very disparaging of the Best Men’s performance, but I thought it was alright. No Rhythm Nation does not seem to have any kind of theme or storyline to their routine, but they do have Ashley heavily featured.
The JWZ pick No Rhythm Nation, which is too bad. I liked the Best Men better. When the NRN guys perform with the JWZ, the “Bachelorette” segment is … OK. Ashley is considerably better than the fellas, but at least all the guys seem to really appreciate what they’re doing and are having a good time.
At the cocktail party, Ashley wants one-on-one time with each guy, since there are only six of them now. West opens up to her about his wife’s death, Ashley is understandably floored. Meanwhile, Bentley’s competitive streak is rearing its ugly head – he wants the rose. he also wants Ashley to “tickle his [beep].” I saw guesses on Twitter of both “butthole” and “balls,” so we’ll just go with “Bentley.” Because he is exactly the type of person to call his member by his own name.
During their alone time, Bentley acts insecure and vulnerable, drops his daughter into the conversation, and makes Ashley feel guilty for giving him the final rose last time and making him sweat. He also says the only thing that would get him to leave would be his daughter and she practically begs him to stick with it if he feels something for her. He can barely hide his smirk. It’s kinda gross. And of course he gets the rose.
Mickey and J.P. have to flip a coin for the last one-on-one date. Mickey gets it. Jeff sulks (and plots Ashley’s kidnap). So Mickey and Ashley go to a wine shop called “Aureole.” Heh. They keep flipping a coin for every decision, which is cute. The first part of the date is drinking their wine at an aquarium? Or just in front of a fish tank? Upon being asked (I say that because why else would you just bring that up), Ashley says the last time she cried was while watching Brad’s season. Which is kind of a lie, didn’t she just cry on her date with William? The didn’t she cry again with West and the dead wife? Hmph.
That night, they have dinner and while Ashley is very taken with Mickey’s good looks, they don’t seem to have the chemistry she had with William, in my humble opinion. But Mickey can also talk about the dead parent thing, as he mom died six years ago. Not to belittle these sad things, because I’m sure the suck, but how does Ashley deal with this? Dead dad, dead wife, dead mom. How do you send these people home? And how do you not feel something for them and maybe confuse that for romantic feelings?
But then she says she’s not sure how she’s feeling about him, so she suggests they flip a coin for the rose. He about swallows his tongue, but goes along with it. Luckily, it comes up heads, but then Ashley laughs and says she was going to give him a rose anyway. Geez, lady. Between the coin-flipping and the fake wedding, are you trying to give these guys strokes?
The last part of the date is an “impromptu” concert from Colbie Caillat. Jealous, I love her.
J.P. is very concerned about no time with Ashley, so during alone time he just kinda goes for it and she reciprocates with a decently hot kiss. Meanwhile, William interrupts Nick’s alone time, which – rude. You have a rose dude. To be fair, Nick was showing Ashley line dancing, so perhaps William’s psychic wedding connection with Ashley was telling him to come rescue her.
The guys have started calling William “ding dong” and tell him there’s a target on his back. They also talk about Jeff, while he listens … from high above the theatre on a catwalk! Or something.
Jeff finally gets his alone time and he talks about how several years ago he had seizures and a brain hemorrhage with some short-term memory loss. He also is divorced – his wife was untruthful about something and he moved on. He then is juuuust about to take the mask off and Matt interrupts them. Dun dun dunnnnnnn.
William regales some of the guys with the details of their date in Vegas and Bentley says privately he’d rather be “swimming in pee” than plan a wedding with Ashley. But he feels like he needs to force a kiss on Ashley, which is super classy and not at all date-rapey.
So he takes her away and lays it on her, while she makes moany sounds. He then says in a talking-head that it was kinda boring and there is no way he could last to the end. I hope his daughter sees this years later and becomes a stripper.
No, I don’t hope that. Poor girl (his daughter). But seriously.
Ashley says her radar tells her to trust him. Might want to get that checked, Ashle
y. Maybe Jim Halpert can send you some better “good guy” radar.
William, Bentley and Mickey already have roses. There are 12 more roses to hand out, three guys are leaving. I predict Ames, Stephen and Lucas go home. The roses go to West, Constantine, Ryan P., Ben C., Nick, Ames, Lucas, Jeff, J.P., Chris, Ben F. and … Blake
So the guys going home are Stephen, Matt and Ryan M. Wow, I am stunned about Matt and Ryan in lieu of some of the gomers she kept. Geez.
Um, I’m attached, but if I weren’t … I’d be trying to get Matt’s number. In his final talking-head, he calls his mom and, holy crap, it’s 4 a.m. at the end of the Rose Ceremony?! Jesus tapdancing Christ, that is ridiculous. Anyway, he’s not a mama’s boy, I don’t think. I think he just likes and respects his mom, which is always a plus. Huh. Very surprised he’s going home.
Next week: Up With People! Or something. And apparently a roast or some kind that really hurts Ashley’s feelings. And more of Bentley being a gigantic jerk, which … must be Monday!