Welcome back to The Bachelorette. Where the girls are [really freakin’ desperately] perky and the men are all in it for the “wrong” or “right” reasons and only time, editing, and maybe a few beer bongs will tell which is which. As you may recall, last week Ashley, our dentist/Jazzercise instructor, started thinning the herd. However, she kept Zorro the Dorko in his filigreed mask, because the producers think we are into that sort of thing. She also kept Bentley, even though before the show started filming, the heaven’s opened, and God spoke to her and warned her that Bentley was there for the “wrong” reasons and merely wanted to promote his business (which appears to involve being a d*** publicly, although I’m not sure how you make money off of that unless you’re a corporate attorney.) As with many Biblical harlots, Ashley ignored God’s words of warning and has been sucking face with Bentley ever since. God will probably smite her, but I bet they are saving that for sweeps.
The show begins not with an Old Testament plague of locusts (sad, I know), but with a stern reminder from Chris Harrison that Ashley is deluded and thinks her husband stands amid the gathered greasy beaus. They must all play along so as not to send the crazy lady over the edge. To help her find her true prince among the many many frogs, they are sending Ashley on a series of dates. First up? Ben C. the charming bilingual bachelor lawyer from New Orleans, Louisiana. I have nothing bad to say about Ben C., or as I prefer to think of him, Young Matlock. He seems to be a genuinely sweet guy, who, gag me gently with a chainsaw for saying this, seems to be there for the right reasons. He smiles bashfully when all the men hoot and holler at him for getting one of the prized one-on-one dates.
Jeff a.k.a. the Phantom of the Manor a.k.a. Zorro the Dorko is pouting that Ashley didn’t choose him for the one-on-one date. Then he sighs wistfully that he is at a disadvantage because Ashley hasn’t gotten to see his face yet, and because, oh, I don’t know, NO GIRL WANTS TO HANG OUT WITH A WEIRDO IN A MASK. I mean, seriously, wearing a mask for days on end is mere baby steps, nay a gateway drug, from “It puts the lotion on its skin or it gets the hose again.” Girls like to be alive and not skinned and worn as lady suits, Dorko! It’s just this thing we do. We are kind of silly like that. Dorko promises that the next time he is alone with her, he will reveal his true self. Please let it be Dave Coulier under the mask! Please please please.