Welcome back to The Bachelorette. Oh my god, you guys! We made it all the way to hometown dates! Isn’t that crazy? I mean we’re almost at the end of this journey to love. We have slid three-quarters of the way down the rainbow of happiness (which I assume tastes like Lucky Charms) and Ashley’s lucky lucky husband is waiting for her at the bottom. I hope he has a lot of Kleenex-brand tissues, because whether Ashley is happy or sad, I bet she is crying at that final rose ceremony!
This week starts out with Ashley pretending she already “misses” Ryan P. and really wasn’t sure if she made the right decision to send the guy home before he could convince her to switch to a compostable toilet (real thing! ask a hippy!) and maybe collect her tears for a water-deficient nation. Also, if you ever wonder who lives in all those “luxury condo” developments that pop up in every cul-de-sac of every gentrifying neighborhood from sea to shining sea with their stainless steel appliances and built in breakfast bars, it’s Ashley and her ilk. That’s who lives in them. We know this because as Ashley is musing about Ryan P., she wanders into her luxury condo and starts not recycling her junk mail and musing on the Very Serious Importance of the hometown visits. Now she’s meeting actual family members who may never have wanted to be on a reality show ever. I always feel really bad for the family members who get roped into appearing on this show. I mean, you go to all the trouble of birthing a kid and how do they repay you? By making you be on reality television as they pretend to be madly in love with a girl they will probably publicly dump in six months.
Anyway. Ashley reminds us who is still in the running and why. First up: Ben. Ashley likes him because he is “real” unlike her last three boyfriends “Brad Womack,” “Space Ghost” and “James Franco in 127 Hours.” Thus she thinks she and Ben have a “real” connection, which is why she let him spend the night on their second date. All that really realness just got to her, you know? So real. So so real. Next up is Constantine who is most likely also real, although Ashley doesn’t bother listing it as his number one characteristic. However, she has run him through a series of vigorous physical fitness tests in order to determine that he meets all her physical needs. In short, she thinks she’s hot. I however think his eyes are too close together and that he dresses like a toddler. She says “sexy” and “sweet” a few more times and then indicates that they could “really have something.”