Is it just me or have you forgotten everything about this show since
the premiere last week? Who are these people? Why are they in the
jungle? And why are they kissing? Thank God for the “Previously On”
segment, for once. Usually, it’s kind of a waste of time, but this week,
I am grateful. Especially since they all switched partners except for
the winners, so now I’m going to be even more confused.
Well, now that nearly all of the couples have switched up, we get to
see the super-awkward “going back to the cabin and packing up my stuff
so I can move into my new cabin with my new partner” segment. This is
awesome. They don’t usually show us how the sausage is made like this.
Heather and Ben (you know, the a****** with women problems. No, the ugly
one) don’t have much to say to one another as they pack up. Ben tells
us that “it takes a special kind of person” to like him (a deaf and
blind one, maybe? Nah, even Helen Keller would be like, “Later, dude.”).
Heather shacks up with Miles, and they are both hopeful about their new
Erica, the sort of early Tawny Kitaen one, got ditched by Miles, so
she hooked up with Jason (the black one – sorry, but that’s what makes
him look different than the other guys since the other non-white guy
left last week). He thinks Erica is purty. But hey, what’s going on with
Mike and Samantha, last week’s winners? Things are peachy. They’re
totally setting up a fairytale storyline for them. How about delusional
camel-face Vanessa and Disney prince Steele, the only other couple that
stuck together? Vanessa is deciding on wedding favors, while Steele is
like, “Hey, other ladies who are not named Vanessa, how you doin’?” Oh,
Vanessa. I feel bad for her, a little, but I also hate her because she
says that she wants to have two boys and a girl, in that order, and I
kind of hate people who think they can dictate the sex of their
children, or that it matters, or is important. Like what if she gets a
girl first? Is she going to flush it down the toilet? What if she can’t
get pregnant right away? What if she never gets married? Then again,
she’s the type of person who would go on a reality dating show, so maybe
I’m expecting a bit much.