Welcome back to The Bachelorette. In advance of tomorrow’s grand finale, tonight we have a special treat: We get to watch ABC waste two hours of prime time real estate letting a gaggle of slack-jawed troglodytes and Bentleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee talk about their feelings about this season of “he Bachelorette. Yes, while decent folk are off watching vamp-were-whoring on True Blood and/or the start of Shark Week with Andy Samberg (nerd squeee!) I am watching the ****ing Phantom of the Mansion play nice with the drunk guy and boring Blake the dentist. AGAIN. The things I do for you. Also for money, but mostly for you. I heart you.
To build up excitement over this waste of make up and SAG cards, Chris Harrison introduces the show as a precursor to the thrilling proposal sure to take place tomorrow. Of course, they tease tomorrow’s grand finale and Ashley’s Big Day with a shot of Ashley crying on a pier, so, yeah, be sure to tune in because you’re your last chance to see Ashley cry! Then Harrison gabbles on about how “emotional” this season is. (Read: Ashley cries. A lot!) Then he pretends that this has been the most controversial season ever, which is pretty much just a gross exaggeration. Is it controversial because they cast an *******? I’m pretty sure they’ve cast those before * cough * Jake * cough * Brad * cough *
Even though Chris is pushing the idea of a Bachelorette cast -off free-for-all about Bentleeeeeee, before we can even get to that putative “excitement,” Chris and Ashley have to sit down and chat about all the other high points of the season: The Mask! The Drunk! William the Idiot! Mickey in a harness! We are supposed to care about this trip down memory lane and laugh and nudge each other and say, “Remember when?” All this even though we JUST lived through this… and I for one have no interest in feeling nostalgic over something that happened three weeks ago. Nor do I have any interest in feeling sentimental about the damn Bachelorette. Sorry, I have more important things to do like… drunk dial my mom and Facebook stalk Alexander Skarsgard (don’t you think he could learn to love me?) Chris and Ashley are still remember-when-ing when Bentley is mentioned. Of course we can’t escape a recap of the show without mention of the B-word. Yup, Chris wants Ashley to justify how she could fall so head over heels in love with a guy who was a total **** with a trampoline arena agenda. When Chris reminds Ashley of how worked up the public and the tabloids got about the Bentleeeeeeeeeee thing, her eyes get so wide like she is hearing this all for the first time. She is shocked to hear that people CARE! About her even!