First of all, thanks to Angel (my editor) and Sherry (a reader) for letting me know that this show does actually exist, and I’m not the only person in the world watching it. I feel less alone in the world!
So last week, the three couples got to stay, including Skip and Theresa, who are hardly ever on the show, so I’m guessing they don’t win. Or maybe they do and it’s been a total fakeout. But this show is so overproduced and edited that I don’t think they’re capable of a fakeout. Also, Skip and Theresa are the least attractive couple. I’m sorry, but they are. Samantha is like a model (though Mike is a little weaselly looking for my taste) and Miles and Heather could be in a beer ad, they’re so All-American. Skip could play an investment banker who like embezzles or something in a Lifetime movie and Theresa is only a few years away from being a Real Housewife of New Jersey. Ooh, I just realized that Samantha looks like Jules Asner. Remember her? On E!? Before she inexplicably married Steven Soderbergh? Are they still together? IMdB break. Yes, they are.
After a brief celebratory toast for making it so far, the couples head to the beach to find out about their next adventure. They have to swim out to a boat, and follow the anchor line down to find the map. They will use the map to retrieve five bags of coins: three on buoys in the water, one on an old pier, and one in a swamp. Mmm, buggy! Then, they have to go a local bar, find some character named Mambo, and get a secret phrase. THEN head to the finish line and deliver the secret phrase to the host. Wow, that is complicated. Anyway, the winner goes to the Oasis but is NOT guaranteed safety. WHAT? THAT IS CRAZY! Not really. You have to expect they would change things up with only three couples left, if you’ve ever watched television before.
Miles is wearing a life vest. It is like the dinkiest life vest of all time. It’s like the producers didn’t think anyone would need one, and then Miles was like, “Um, I’m not a strong swimmer.” So they had to dig this one up out of someone’s backyard shed. It’s like one step ahead, technology-wise, of those bright orange U-shaped things you tie around your neck that do NO GOOD! I spent my childhood in one of those on a lake (yes, my entire childhood, shut up) and thank God I actually knew how to swim because that thing would have saved nothing. It always rode up on my neck and blocked my vision but didn’t even keep my head out of water, and it wasn’t big enough to float on. A pool noodle would be more efficient. Anyway, Miles is running into the ocean in this thing, and I hope he does kind of know how to swim, or he’s in trouble. Also, I’m guessing he won’t be diving down to the end of the anchor to retrieve the map.