charlie sheen roast getty 'Charlie Sheen Roast': Group therapy on tiger blood

“Comedy
Central’s Roast of Charlie Sheen”
was closer to a semi-organized group
therapy session fueled by whatever medications were in Charlie’s medicine
cabinet than an actual roast.


The

dais was flanked by two torpedoes labeled CSAF (Charlie Sheen Air
Force) and Greek-inspired, ivy covered columns fronted by scantily clad
goddesses. The man of the hour was escorted out on a steam engine by
former G ‘n R guitarist Slash rocking out.

The
evening’s surprise attendee Brooke Mueller. Sheen’s ex-wife endured
numerous barbs from the folks on stage. The toughest line of the night
at her expense came from Jeffrey Ross who said of the former Mrs. Sheen,
“She’s not very bright unless Charlie’s throwing a lamp at her. “


As
for the roasters, the performance of the evening came early on from Jon
Lovitz
. The former “SNL” star, seemingly plucked from nowhere for
the event, showed the talent that landed him on the NBC comedy series
from 1985-1992. His attacks were relentless offering lines like “How
much blow can Charlie Sheen do? Enough to kill ‘Two and a Half Men.’


Jeffrey
Ross
, dressed as Moammar Gadhafi, gave a performance deserving of
his moniker, “Roasmaster General.” He ran what he called a “comedy
intervention,” and with jokes like “Whenever the writers put new lines
in the script he tried to snort them” and “The only time your kids get
to see you is in reruns,” he wasn’t far off.


Then
there was the hotly expected Mike Tyson. For once a good sport, the
champ took a whole bunch on the chin … or perhaps on the face. Ross
wondered of Tyson’s tattoo, “What is that on your face, a map of
Waterworld?” And when Tyson took the stage, he took roasting to a new
level of confusion.


Tyson’s
routine was more like a Jackson Pollack painting turned into jokes. It
was messy collection of thoughts, but when observed in its totality, it
was brilliant. He did throw in a couple of one liners, the best at the
expense of Jeffrey Ross. The champ said, “During your performance, I
wish I’d bit my own ears off.” But it was his wandering monologue that was somewhere between unforgettable and completely
indecipherable.


[For and  extra fun, watch how many times Tyson tries to button his jacket and fails. The total number is close to 15.]

Amy
Schumer
, William Shatner and Anthony Jeselnik were all solid, mostly
ripping each other rather than Sheen. Schumer went after Shatner’s portly physique with “Does Priceline pay you in
empanadas?” Steve-O, Kate Walsh and Patrice O’Neal were poorly cast for
the occasion offering wandering, bland and somewhat dull performances.


When

it came to Sheen’s turn, he took it all in stride. In fact it could
really be summarized with his opening line, “It wasn’t until tonight
that I realized
how f***ed up I was.”

Exactly.