Previously: Jionni was so busy being an abusive prick to Snooki, he hardly even noticed that The Situation was trying to go all Inspector Clouseau on his ass. Long story short, Jionni left Italy before he and Sitchy came to blows, but Snooki was plenty traumatized for all of them. Also, drunk.
The day after Jionni made his abrupt departure, Ronnie, Deena, and Pauly make their hung-over march to the pizza parlor. Back at home, Snooki still wearing her baby hooker dress from the night before as dials and redials Jionni’s phone in vain. She leans on JWOWW for support, but JWOWW is still pissed off after their explosive argument the night before and pretends she’s sleeping so she doesn’t have to deal with Snooki. So what do you so when you’re a guidette in the throes of tragedy? You put on your Yeti boots and sluttiest sad-girl minidress, and you announce dramatically, “I’m going out, and I’m not coming back!” Snooki cries in the confessional that she’s afraid Jionni is never going to talk to her again before storming out of the house asking no one in particular, “Come se dice, ‘Where the **** is my boyfriend?” Well, Snookums, it’s “Dov� cazzo il mio ragazzo?” As Sadie says on Awkward., You’re welcome!
Thus follows a brilliant cross-cut between Snooki’s weepy confessional and her adventures out in Florence. We all express our sadness in different ways, and Snooki involves kicking back beers in the middle of the day and forcing your local Italian barista crank up the music so she can dance like nobody’s watching. As everyone favorite Swedish pixie informed us in last summer, nothing cures a broken heart like the dance. Unfortunately, people are watching, and in place of Snooki’s internal suffering arises belligerence as she announces her entire sob story to the bar, concluding, “So don’t look at me like I’m a ****in’ weirdo. I’m heartbroken. So let me dance!”
Back at the pizzeria, Pauly yells a lot, and Deena cleans a toilet. With a mop.
Snooki finally decides to return home, so she starts meatballing her way back, saying tearfully, “This is the worst day of my life. I’m not kidding.” Annnnnd, cue her belch. A flesh-suited Barney Gumble is this one. When she arrives home, JWOWW is still sleeping. The other girls approach Snooki to comfort her while she calls her father and unleashes an unholy outpouring of expletives and whining upon him. When her dad gets on board with the rage, Snooki turns to JWOWW, who has finally gotten up from bed, and unloads on her. Instead of calling Snooki on her bull****, JWOWW decides to pander to Snooki as I’m sure has happened… well… with everyone else except Jionni apparently.