We’ve made it to the highlights episode, everyone! Oh my God, it’s almost over. It’s a Christmas miracle. Anyway, as you know, this season is different than others because the old and haggard ladies on the screen are ones we’ve seen before! Next week we’ll deal with the final four, and eventually the lucky winner will get to fade into obscurity… again! But now we turn our focus to reviewing all of the stupid **** these ladies put themselves through for a second time, even though they should have known better. But hey, I probably would have had a hard time passing up the money too! And I can’t complain about a highlights episode (I almost said Highlights ISSUE, which says something about the IQ level I subliminally think is required to watch this show) that gives us bonus footage of my beloved Bianca, who was plucked untimely from our television screens.
When we began one million weeks ago, Tyra chose fourteen “lucky” (or unemployed) girls to take their careers (or “careers”) to the next level. Angelea was one, which meant that we, the audience, were in fact the lucky ones. The all-star cast moved into their giant house, and there was Allison being weird and wonderful all over again. Tyra brought back the biggest personalities, including diaper-pisser Lisa D’Amato and dyslexic bumpkin Laura Kirkpatrick. Angelea correctly noted that Alexandria was not an all-star, but this was only the tip of the dramatic iceberg. We see a never before seen battle over phone privileges. Although, haven’t we really seen all battles over phone privileges before, in a sense? How new can this **** get? Angelea asks if anyone knows what happened to the phone list, and complains in an interview that Bianca’s name is conveniently first on the list. Bianca claims that she’d prefer if Angelea not start with her, but I think we know that’s not the case deep down.
Angelea says that her old self would have gotten in Bianca’s face. But all-star Angelea walks away and talks about Bianca behind her back in a manner that scares Allison. I think one whole segment of this show should focus on Allison’s terrified facial reactions to house drama and other uncomfortable situations, set to her viral hit “Underwater.” I guess we can all pray for a Rich Juzwiak supercut. Anyway, Angelea thinks that Bianca is sneaky. The other girls don’t see it, says Angelea, but she does because she’s a sharp bitch. With Bianca I think even children’s butter knives are sharp enough to see the sneaky stank. Sporks are sharp enough. Cashmere sweaters are sharp enough. Tyra tells us that Angelea left her 716 attitude behind, and decided to make peace with Bianca. We see the two ladies on their lawn, at their non-drama peace summit. They discover that they are more alike than different, I think because they’re both from the mean streets. Bianca told Angelea that she’s been in her shoes, and know what it’s like to be the victim of misconceptions and misunderstanding. We see no evidence of a hug, which makes me think that the two ladies just kind of tolerated each other like cats do when they realize that they have to cohabitate. Tyra definitely should have let these two sniff each other under the door for a few days.