Eli’s story is probably the most mirthful this week, as that wonderful James Carville-like guy is back and we finally meet his fairly charming candidate, whose college years included a penchant for taking candid photographs where he’s blowing statues. Eli wants to get the pictures out there, because I don’t know if you’ve figured out Eli’s million-dollar strategy yet, but it’s called disclosure. Every time.
At first the candidate swears that it’s just this one Santa Claus that he fellated — if you ever wanted to hear Alan Cumming say “fellating” like a hundred times without actually having to attend the scary Bret Easton Ellis Caligula parties that presumably take up 90 percent of Alan Cumming’s downtime, have I got a show for you — but it turns out he was really into doing it, like, all the time. So in the end they switch the entire story over to alcoholism and send him to rehab, with the story note that the Carville guy wants to send their candidate, Mulvey, into the State Senate race that Parker Posey was also talking about, which makes Eli feel nervous.
Also making Eli nervous: His snotty, charmless daughter Marissa’s newfound and very intense interest in Zach Florrick. She’s over at his house when Grandma Jackie shows up yet again on Peter’s behalf, which makes Jackie nervous in turn, but when the horrible Weirdo Tutor also shows up wearing some kind of attention-begging getup, Jackie loses her entire goddamn mind and starts going through all of Alicia’s ****, starting with her bedroom.