Just because “Drew Peterson: Untouchable” starred two of TV’s biggest names — Rob Lowe as accused Chicago wife killer Drew Peterson and Kaley Cuoco as his now-missing fourth wife, Stacy — doesn’t mean that it wasn’t at its heart a total Lifetime movie. In fact, that might’ve made it all the more enjoyable.
You know what we mean: insane, ridiculous dialogue that nobody would say, locations that were supposed to be in Suburban Chicago but were one palm tree away from revealing that it was actually shot in Los Angeles, actors you recognize from so many other things that you spend half the movie trying to figure out where you’ve seen them before you give up and look it up on IMDb.
But let’s be clear — we mean that in the best way possible. “Untouchable’s” “that guys” — as in “Hey! It’s that guy!” — were William Mapother from “Lost” as Drew’s partner, and Cara Buono from “Mad Men” as Drew’s first wife. We’ll admit, this Lifetime movie was a little more star-studded than most. It’s not every day you get someone as foxy a Lowe to play a tubby, middle-aged cop who somehow manages to attract the young, hot Cuoco (and for that matter, the slightly older, also hot Buono).
If you managed to miss this marvel of modern television, don’t worry — we’ve recorded the absolute best lines from the movie. Read them as you crack open a bottle of wine and pretend we watched together!
As long as you know the story — cop starts seeing young girl (Cuoco), his wife (Buono) finds out and divorces him, ex-wife mysteriously dies in an “accident” that’s later ruled a murder, which cop’s charged with once his then-mistress-now-fourth-wife disappears without a trace — you’ll be fine. As little context as possible is needed with these quotes. Trust us.
Without further ado:
Drew, after showing his penis to his young son who walks in on him having sex with his wife:
“He has a right to know why they call me Big Daddy.”
Drew, giving advice to a drug addict he arrested who reveals his wife is also pregnant:
“You think your girl is a nightmare when she’s jonesing for tweak? Wait’ll she becomes a big, fat, sweaty monster.”
Drew, after his wife expresses concern about going home to breastfeed their newborn:
“Why would you be talking about your boobs here? What’s wrong with you? I wanna know what guy’s in your head that you’re worried about your boobs for.”
Drew, after a neighbor walks in on him hitting his wife:
“How’s the hot dog situation out there?”
Stacy, after a neighbor walks in on Drew hitting her:
“I’m fine, Drew just threw me into the TV, but want to help me make some more margaritas?”
Drew, on the allure of his wife:
“Look at Stacy. She’s like a flower. You know, In bloom and putting her scent out everywhere. Don’t tell me that you can’t smell her.”
Drew, to the neighbor who’s convinced he killed Stacy:
“I’m not going anywhere. I’m untouchable, bitch.”
Drew, as he performs a striptease for the prison guards checking him in for his sentence:
“Now I get it. You just want to have a look at my package.”
And that, ladies and gentlemen, was “Drew Peterson: Untouchable.” Did you love it as much as we did?