The CW is kicking off “Remodeled,” which is like “Kitchen Nightmares” and “America’s Next Top Model” had a baby. Or something. Going in, it was kind of unclear what we were in for.
The Simon Cowell/Gordon Ramsey of this show is Paul Fisher, who is trying to link together small-town modeling agencies and make them over. He is flanked by Olga, a stern VP, and Joseph who probably pronounces it JoSEPH and looks to be an emo hobo.
The show kicks off with four models that they’re going to take with them to New York Fashion Week – Meghan, a sort-of Missy Pyle-looking girl but with big eyes like those velvet paintings of children you see at garage sales; Mariana, who is apparently a “baby gazelle” … or Gisele; and Bobby, who by next year will be singing and dancing on “Glee.” Then they take a chance on Annelise, who looks like she should be busking in a New York subway.
Meghan reveals that her dream is to have a “compound” for her family. Um, would that “compound” include a joy book and sister wives? Yikes.
They go on a bunch of casting calls and nobody seems to like Annalise much. Olga wants to leave her there and see what happens, but some other lackey wants to send Annalise packing. Paul says it was a mistake to bring her and says to send her home. Bummer.
Olga has to break the news. Annalise calls her mom and cries.
Meanwhile, the agency they’re going to give a makeover to is an agency in Minneapolis that has lost 16 models in six months. JoSeph snots, “How do you lose 16 models? What are you, blind?” and then he cuts himself off camera. But also, JoSeph – we don’t think they mean the agency literally “lost” the models, like they are now modeling on milk cartons, ya feel us?
Paul and cronies immediately criticize the blah sign, with Joseph contributing one of his bon mots, “It looked like a dentist office, like I could get my fangs cleaned.” Like if he actually saw a person with fangs, he wouldn’t burst into tears.
They go over exclusive vs. non-exclusive contracts and JoSeph again with the “She needs a dictionary to look up the word ‘exclusive.'” Then she can toss it to you so you can look up the words “cliche” and “affectation.”
Upon meeting the models who aren’t exclusive, we like Paul’s mixed metaphor of the too many chiefs/not enough indians and too many chefs in the kitchen. He has chiefs making chili, apparently.
Paul gives Britta a little therapy about how she Britta’d the whole agency and then they re-sign some plus-sized model named Kayla. Paul then gives them a makeover of their office space and a stable of new models. So all things are great, apparently. JoSeph lurks.
So, that was “Remodeled.” We can’t say it was as bad as, say, “H8R,” but we didn’t really find it that fun to watch. It was certainly not the trashy awesomeness of “America’s Next Top Model.” What did you think?