Oh happy day when miracles take place! It is a one-hour long episode of The Biggest Loser, thanks to the State of the Union address. I now feel kind of obligated to actually watch the State of the Union, though I probably will just have a nice bubble bath instead. It’s kind of like how I always think I should volunteer on MLK day, but instead I just end up sleeping in and deep conditioning my hair. But really: things are terrible. We already know!
Anyway, we jump right in to Biggest Loser madness, as the contestants enter a field that has a “Road Work Ahead” sign. There are orange flags, and some sort of course with cones and whatnot. Sami announces that Buddy has gone home, as his wife is having a baby. I’m sure Mrs. Buddy was thrilled with the timing of his appearance on this show. As this is a season of no excuses, Buddy will have to come back for the weigh-in, and his weight will count for the Red Team. Sami tells us that the week four excuse that they will be debunking is that you can’t get in shape without a gym membership, and the gym is too expensive/too far away/not open at convenient hours. Last week I couldn’t find parking at my gym, and so just drove home in frustration and proceeded to eat 17 macaroons. It was the best night, actually. Sami poses the question of whether one can lose weight without the gym, and the contestants start to get upset. They have an inkling of what’s coming: the team that wins the challenge will have gym access for the week, but the losing team will not. Conda is like, “What are we gonna do, WALK all week?” Yes, you idiot, that sounds about right. She clearly didn’t choose week four to become less insufferable.
So, the challenge. There’s an obstacle course with a series of doors, and in front of each door is a question. They contestants will use a battering ram to break through the door that corresponds to their answer — A or B. If they get it wrong, they have to face an obstacle before moving on. At the finish line there’s a set of double doors, and the first team to break through and get everyone through them wins. The Black Team has to choose one person to sit out, and it’s Gail. The challenge begins, and the teams get to the first question: Which common vegetable is a very good source of vitamin C? Cauliflower and carrots are the choices. The Black Team chooses carrots, which is incorrect, and so they have to go through a mud pit. The Red Team gets the first question right, and so takes a lead while the Black Team tries to get unstuck. Meanwhile, cauliflower! Who knew something that tastes like farts could be so good for you?
The Red Team hits question two: If you are using a tablespoon of oil to cook with, which of these oils is the worst for you? A) Peanut oil, or B) Vegetable oil. They choose vegetable, which is correct. Meanwhile, the Black Team is muddy and miserable, and chooses the wrong answer for the second question. They have to go through yet another mud pit. The Red Team takes a significant lead as they get to question three: What food builds the most muscle? Chicken and fish are the choices. They go for chicken, which is incorrect. They sludge their way through their first mud pit. The Black Team has a chance to catch up a little, but alas they too choose the wrong answer. Jeremy correctly notes that they are the dumbest pieces of ****. Meanwhile, the Red Team gets to the fourth question: Which contains the most antioxidants: pinto beans or blackberries? They all agree it’s blackberries, but that’s incorrect. More mud! I think for this question they should have to go through a pit of refritos. It probably goes without saying that the Black Team gets this question wrong too. I mean, it’s really something. They have been 100% incorrect in this challenge!