It’s Group Day on “American Idol,” but before we get to all the screaming and tears, we check in with Symone Black from last night. That was straight-up scary when she fell off the stage – it kinda looked like she had a stroke or a seizure or something. And we love how the judges just kind of sat and stared at her. Don’t all rush to help at once, guys.
Jennifer decides she can compliment her back to life – “I was just gonna say, that was one of the prettiest sounds I’ve heard all day.” What does that even mean? Like, you can’t say it anymore? She’s not dead. And Randy offers some medical advice about it probably being low blood sugar. And Steven just stays at the table, presiding over the incident like Death himself.
Sorry. This is a very serious situation and the judges probably don’t know what to do, but it’s still funny to make fun of them.
We get back to Symone’s group and they replay a snippet of Lauren Mink’s audition of “Alone,” but they put this weird echo on it so that it now sounds like something that should be playing in a trailer for a movie about a house haunted by a vengeful spirit – “How do I get you alone,” indeed.
The judges put through most of Symone’s group, but Ethan James is cut, which is a shame. I remember liking him in auditions. Anyway, there are 185 people being lined up for the slaughter that is Group Day. Bring it on.
Seacrest voice-overs us in by talking about how this day is so critical to everything, when in reality it’s just good TV. Being able to sing in a group has absolutely no bearing on being successful on this show. Doesn’t mean we don’t love Group Day, we’re just sayin.’
In the montage of past seasons, there are of course people crying and yelling (hey there, Tatiana and one of those giant chubby twin brothers!), but the absolutely best is this young, thin girl in a white shirt huddled against the wall and a chair, mouth agape as if she’s some kind of feral child who was just found in a cave. WTF? That made us cry with laughter, y’all. We rewound to watch it again.
There is still that silly (for them) awesome (for us) rule about having to have a mixture of Day 1 and Day 2 singers in each group. Everyone is acting surprised – um, have you watched this show? Not only is this the exact manipulative crap this show would pull, but also – they’ve done it on past seasons! Pay attention, people.
There’s a rather abrasive police officer named Alicia who can’t find a group. I’m not sure the best tactic is getting on the microphone and brow-beating people into being in your group. There’s a reason you don’t have a group, lady. She ends up snagging girl-from-the-woods Amy Brumfield, who has the plague, and some kid, but then she is so obnoxious that these other two people without a group steal her group members.
Hilariously, all these people think “Joy to the World” is the Christmas song. People are stupid.
Back from break, stupid Alicia is still running around and now she’s getting in people’s faces about liking cops. She should really work for the California Highway Patrol, because she clearly has a massive chip on her shoulder. BOOM, roasted. I’ll be here all week.
We join a group with Brielle Von Hugel, Shannon Magrane and some other people. Brielle has a crazy stage mom who thinks she knows everything. I swear to god, if I was there and my mom was hanging around, I’d tell her to hit the bricks. Actually, my mom’s awesome, so that wouldn’t be a problem. But for these people, that’s what I’d do.
Symone Black is back and has to find a group, while her creepy stage dad follows her around like a drunk hobo. Seriously, he’s like the dad from the Jackson family. She finds a group and creepy dad makes them huddle up. I’m with Symone – just get outta here, dad.
Hilariously, we now have a montage like something out of “The Stand” – everyone girl-from-the-woods Amy has come into contact with is getting sick with her crazy Tennessee flu that probably is only cured with moonshine or something. But Amy will be OK, because she’s got Jesus helping her out.
Meanwhile, in the MIT group, pasty cowboy Richie fancies himself quite the harmonizer and choreographer. It’s rather awkward to watch. There’s also a whole kidney stone issue, it’s kinda weird. Poor guys – this bossy cowboy needs to go. Who died and made him king? He’s so smarmy, I just want to smack him.
Alicia the Cop’s group has a plague-stricken member named Christian, and are also having some problems on “Stuck Like Glue.”
A group called The Betties is arguing over the classic Go to Sleep vs. Stay Up and Practice conundrum. I’m always on the side of going to sleep. You’ll work so much better when you’re rested, there is no reason to work yourselves into utter exhaustion.
Two of the girls, Jennifer and Rhianna, stay up and keep working until after 5 a.m. Rhianna doesn’t know the words to “Hit ‘Em Up Style,” which kinda surprises me. But she is like 12, so I guess that explains it.
We leave the episode with a montage of the groups doing last minute preparations. The Betties are first, but that will have to wait ’til next week.