Sigh… so they’re really going through with this whole “Ted hearts Robin again” storyline, huh? All right, let’s get this over with, because the sooner they and we can move on, the happier we’ll all be. “No Pressure” begins with a reminder as to why exactly this plot is a non-starter… because, as we learned in the pilot years and years ago, Robin ain’t the mother. Instead, it’s the still-faceless girl with the yellow umbrella that we see Ted confess his love to amidst a downpour outside of a movie theater in the opening scene. Future Ted intones: “I hadn’t said that to a girl since…” and we’re suddenly back on the rooftop at the end of last week’s episode where Present Ted finishes the sentence “I love you, Robin.” He goes on to expand on that thought, saying “Do you remember why we broke up in the first place? We asked each other ‘Where do you want to be in five years and our answers were just too different. Well, it’s five years later and where are we? Standing on the roof where I kissed you for the first time.'” He goes on to add that he knows it’s a lot to process and there’s no pressure for her to have an immediate response. “Just… whatya think?” Ted concludes and waits a beat before immediately backpedaling and fleeing the scene of his love crime to hide downstairs. The next morning, he’s lying in bed obsessing over inventing the perfect (re: the lamest) excuse for his proverbial slip of the tongue, but then Robin knocks on his door and plants a kiss on him, thus preventing him from saying anything else stupid.
Credits. Robin and Ted talk about how they need to talk about what’s going on between them. But before they can have that substantive conversation, Robin’s annoying co-worker Patrice shows up to remind her that she’s traveling to Russia that day to cover an annual butter festival. Robin says that the flight is leaving at 9 PM, but Patrice corrects her, saying that the itinerary says 9 AM, as does her ticket, as does their boss in the car downstairs. One hurried packing session later, Robin is off for a weeklong trip to Russia and she and Ted promise to continue “this” when she gets back. Desperate for some bro talk, Ted calls up Marshall and demands that he make the trip in from Long Island to meet him in the bar downstairs… which apparently opens at 9 AM. And to think that we used to find this show’s depiction of New York City somewhat authentic.
Because he’s whipped, Marshall immediately heads out, leaving Lily in bed with Barney, who slept off his night on the Drunk Train alongside them. The usual jokes about Barney really, really, really wanting to sleep with Lily ensue, with the added wrinkle of Lily mentioning something about a sex tape that he shouldn’t watch. Actually, she says it doesn’t exist at all, but he only hears the words “sex tape” and promptly calls over his regular housekeeping team to turn the place upside down looking for it. He doesn’t find a tape, but he does stumble across a tin box labeled “Long Term Bets”, which contains little scraps of paper listing some of the wagers that Lily and Marshall have made over the years. Bets like “Lily bets Marshall that Barney will die by murder” and “Marshall bets Lily that if Ted goes bald, he’ll totally pull it off.” (You’ve lost that bet, Marsh.) And then he hits the most relevant (for the purposes of this episode) bet: “Lily bets Marshall that Ted and Robin won’t end up together.”