We jump right in to meet a hipster looking dude named Ducky. I mean, he’s got a handlebar mustache. How can I take him seriously? I wish this was a blind audition for me. His cute girlfriend is hoping he gets on the show so that he can propose to her. She could probably do better. He’s singing “Tighten Up,” and I don’t love his voice, as he gets a little screechy at points. The judges agree with me, and none of them spin around. His poor girlfriend will have to wait longer for a ring. Ducky does get a swig of Sarsaparilla from Blake’s glass for his troubles. Carson insists that America will love him and think the judges were crazy. I’m pretty sure they won’t remember him five minutes from now. Does Carson know nothing about the attention span of the average viewer?
And, I’m pretty sure that the judges are all still wearing the same clothes as before. So either this was shot over multiple days and they forced them to dress the same in order to make it easier on the editors, or this was all done in one day and for some reason they feel like torturing me and have stretched this out for about 100 episodes. Either way, I’m sort of disgusted.
Next up is married dad of two, Jonathas. This show is killing me with these names. He’s from Brazil and his mom moved him here so his family could have a better life. His daughter is dressed like Milania Giudice for some reason, so I guess that means she has a better life? He steps out on stage and he’s singing “U Got It Bad.” The judges are all just listening and unable to see his dance moves, but the audience is eating it up. Finally Cee Lo and Christina turn their chairs around. Cee Lo thought it was the Real Usher and that the producers were pranking him. Christina talks about his package and Cee Lo attempts to bribe him with jewelry. Adam throws his two cents in for no apparent reason, but no one listens. Jonathas waffles between Cee Lo who he loves and Christina who he’s wanted to bang since fifth grade. Eventually the penis does the picking (TM Patti Stanger) and he goes with Xtina.