First things first: Quinn lives! Yes, the episode-ending car smash that t-boned us all into the most recent mini-hiatus left Quinn with little more than a compressed spine, so while she’s confined to a wheelchair at the moment, expect her to stand up and start dancing again just as soon as said action is convenient for the plot, like that blond guy on Downton Abbey. Naturally, because of her wheelchair, she is now best buds with Artie, because that’s the way things work on this show, and Speed Racer escorts her to a handicapable skate park to meet a bunch of handicapable skate punks for Senior Skip Day, and everything is just peachy even though nobody has bitchin’ Cheetah legs like Oscar Pistorius until Artie says something stupid about Quinn being stuck in that chair for the rest of her life. This of course turns Quinn into a raging hag for all of three seconds until New Guy With Gross Hair shows her the error of her ways, after which everybody’s friends again.
Meanwhile, Dreamboat Blaine’s even dreamier older brother blows into town to manufacture a lot of unnecessary drama and angst. Seems “Cooper Anderson” — portrayed by the preternaturally pretty Matt Bomer as a self-obsessed dip**** given to spouting “Namaste!” at various opportune moments — has established quite the career for himself spokesmodeling for the Internet’s number-one credit score website, and he has much to share with the artistically-inclined children of McKinley High School, much to Dreamboat Blaine’s extreme distress and dismay. The Brothers Anderson quite naturally give voice to their raging sibling rivalry through song throughout the evening until their ultimately pointless subplot culminates in this staggeringly weird duet that makes them look like ex-lovers who now hate each other but who will also probably still keep having sex because each is too lazy to put an end to the relationship once and for all, and then New Guy With Gross Hair shows them the error of their ways, after which everybody’s friends again.
In other news, Sue’s really pregnant, Will’s really useless, and Rachel and Finn really break up until New Guy With Gross Hair shows them the error of their ways, after which everybody’s friends again.