Obsessed with getting back into the Rhodes’ Women’s good graces, Ivy takes William van der Woodsen at his word: Throw a benefit in CeCe’s honor and her former relatives will be obliged to attend. Of course, he offers this at a price — which is the part of the conversation Lola hears, which information she relays to Nate, who through this game of Blonde People Telephone ends up telling Serena that Ivy is somehow bribing William, which is a legal no-no since he’s the executor of the estate and can’t benefit from it in any way. (Or so we understand from Nate, who is apparently a legal database at certain times of day.)
Since the will’s airtight, proving some kind of criminal misconduct on Ivy’s part is the only way to get the will thrown out… Something that Lily’s obsessed with doing, not because she has any lack of money but because she hates DUMBO and all its constant reminders of the filth from which her useless trophy husband sprang in the first place. Rufus is aware enough of his surroundings to understand her concerns, but not sharp enough to realize what a bitch she’s being, which reflects more poorly on him than it does her. Of course.
Also interested in getting the Bumphreys out of DUMBO are the gruesome twosome themselves, Blair and Dan, whose last month has been a neverending cavalcade of missed sexual opportunities: Everybody from Dorota’s temporary replacement to Rufus and Lily (twice) and Serena (thrice) has interrupted them, as well as fate in a hundred other guises. But when they finally do it, it’s totally gross and bad, which causes them to run — Blair to Queens, Dan to Nate — and get drunk while asking for advice about the sex problem. The obvious answers — A) Stop being huge liars and B) If you’re not old enough to talk about it, you’re not old enough to be doing it — never really sinks in, but they do show up for Ivy’s party blasted and end up ****ing in the elevator, which was pretty awesome. In fact, they are both awesome the entire episode, although that may be due in large part to the fact that Leighton Meester is the most adorable drunk-actor on the planet.