Last season on The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Teresa pissed off her brother Joe, and Juicy encouraged her terrible behavior. Lather, rinse, repeat at: Christenings, family dinners and beach vacations. Cousin Kathy was not having it. Melissa stepped on blood with her Guccis. “You gave Teresa a gun?!” “You let Teresa write a cook book!?” “You allowed Teresa to interact with humans?!” Caroline was passionate. Gia was soooo sad. So was Jacqueline! Ashley wore really terrible fedoras. Oh my gosh, I blocked out Ashley. Melissa Gorga was on display. Fake apologies were made, everyone at least agreed they were, indeed, family, and then they took a photo together… Until Teresa slammed everyone in her cookbook and everyone FLIPPED, as they are wont to do when you publicly slam them and pretend it wasn’t just for better book sales. Greg was like, “Oh no she didn’t!” (Side note: I actually hung out with Greg in real life a bunch of times in high school but I haven’t talked to him in years, so seeing him on TV is completely surreal/mostly just confusing. He was very nice and extremely tall.) Teresa has also been humiliating herself every week on this season of Celebrity Apprentice, and if you don’t watch that show, you clearly have better taste than I do.
I’ve kind of blocked out everyone’s title catchphrase from last season, so let’s just go over them real quick now, from the least stupid to the absolute dumbest:
Kathy: “We’re old school. We believe in respect.”
Caroline: “Life is short. I have no time for drama.”
Teresa: “When times get tough, you learn who your real friends are.”
Jacqueline: “I am a Vegas girl. I will call your bluff.”
Melissa: “I never throw the first punch, but I am always a knockout.”
You may recall the reunion show, where somehow everyone was so awful that Teresa actually started to gain some of my sympathy. We get a quick recap: Red Bank, NJ, September 2011: Jacqueline wasn’t present. They were in the midst of filming Season 4 and she was sooo pissed at Teresa that she couldn’t bring herself to show up. We once again rehash the stupid cookbook drama, and it looks like it’ll be a focal point this season. I’d prefer to just read all of the 63 one-star reviews Fabulicious! got on Amazon, but I totally did that last season when the debacle started.