Right off the bat, you should know that blond, confident Alaska (nine years old) won the Ultimate Grand Supreme thingamabob at West Virginia’s Southern Celebrity Fairy Tale Winter Pageant. Just like she said she would.
From the beginning of Wednesday’s (April 11) episode of “Toddlers & Tiaras,” she’s obviously on the road to stardom. A road that — if all stays on track — should land her in Courtney Stodden territory (married to a 53-year-old D-list actor and posing in pumpkin patches) in about eight years.
“It’s okay to know you’re like the bomb diggity,” says Alaska, whose one goal in life — or at least this episode — is to crush her nemesis, Gabby. Though Alaska isn’t interested in seeing what Gabby’s got to give.
“It’s nice to spot out the competition, but I don’t have any,” says Alaska. The pint-sized blond is genetically gifted and pageant mom Lori dyes AK’s eyelashes at home. Lori, by the way, is the one missing a few teeth who sits by placid while mommy’s little monster tells her to, “Shut your mouth.”
Maybe Alaska’s just having a rough day. Having a showgirl-style winter wonderland outfit duct-taped to your lower back might make you cranky, too. Still, the duct tape isn’t getting in the way of her self-confidence.
“It’s okay to know you’re like the bomb diggity,” she says, making the appropriate bomb diggity hand gestures.
Poor Gabby, though, never has a chance. She’s a cutie pie but, let’s face it, she’s no Alaska. She’s more of an Ohio. Or maybe a Wisconsin. Though, not all hope is lost. She’s already wearing false teeth and her mother has drilled into her head the mantra “beauty is painful.” Given time, she could blossom into an Alaska — meaning a winner, y’all.
Because, really, it’s anyone’s Ultimate Grand Supreme Thingy to win, right?
“Beauty’s in the eye of the beholder, but to win a pageant you have to be cute,” says organizer Maxine Tinnel. “But if they’re not, you can put hair and makeup on them and they’re just as cute.”
Wait — what?
Though, take care to mind the hair-to-toddler ratio.
“When you look up there and you see more hair than child, I think it’s time to pull back a little bit,” says judge Johnny Browning.
Words to live by.