Here we go, gang! The summer is here because “The Bachelorette” is kicking off! A disclaimer for my regular readers – I am with child this season of the show and as such, I cannot crack open a bottle of wine (or two!) for the show this year, so if I’m not as funny, that may have something to do with it.
So, Emily’s just as pretty and kind of boring as we all remember. She seems sweet, it’s not personal. But there just hasn’t yet been a huge spark out of her, so here’s hoping Emily can show off more personality on this season than on “The Bachelor.”
Highlights of the men’s video intros include:
- Kalon seems like a giant d-bag and he looks quite a bit like Cillian Murphy. He claims he’s grown up now and not a loud, obnoxious womanizer anymore. We’ll see about that.
- Hey, look – an African-American man! And just when you think “The Bachelor” shows are racist …
- David is a singer/songwriter and his intro clip features him singing a song that seems to consist entirely of the world “Emily,” so clearly he is a very successful singer/songwriter.
- Jef is actually like 16. Seriously, he’s Marty McFly but not as cute. But he’s also the CEO of a bottled water company that donates to charity to build wells for clean drinking water all over the world. Well, OK. That’s awesome. But he still just started shaving like yesterday.
- There’s an Indy car driver in the mix, but that really isn’t that controversial. Ricky Hendricks didn’t die at the racetrack. He also was a NASCAR driver and Arie is Indy car and (showing off my down-home-ness here) those two things are as different in the racing world as football and soccer are for ball-based sports. So it’s really not that big of a deal.
The Bachelorette Manse
The men start arriving and some stand-outs (both in good and bad ways) include:
- Doug is the second single father. He has an 11-year-old named Austin, while Tony has a 5-year-old named Taylor.
- Jackson‘s opening line is, “Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but the moments that take our breath away. This is one of those moments” and it really makes me want to heave. I would probably tell that guy to try again.
- Jef with on F reiterates my Marty McFly comparison by riding up on his skateboard while holding on to the back of the limo. *sigh* You are no Michael J. Fox, my friend.
- Stevie (seriously, a grown man should not go by “Stevie” anymore) brings a boom box and dances, which would be cool if he weren’t so frightening looking. Sorry, but that’s just my truth.
- Randy comes dressed as an old lady and then rips off the outfit. Um, what is that even supposed to do? You are supposed to be sexy and charming, not creepy and weird. I guess I’m thankful for small favors that he didn’t pull a “better to eat with you” line.
- Just based on first impressions when the pictures of the bachelors were released, Nate was my early favorite. So I’m glad to hear Emily exclaim over how cute he is.
- Travis arrives holding an ostrich egg, which he says symbolizes how he’ll take care of her and Ricki. So, it’s like the guard-and-protect-your-heart tattoo only maybe weirder (but at least less permanent).
- There are two hair issues – Michael with the long hair can’t stop tucking it behind his ears. Get a haircut, hippie. And Ryan‘s hair is like an out-of-control Bieber-esque ‘do, even if he does bring a cute note.
- Kalon arrives by helicopter and while I feel there will be many reasons to feel he’s a d-bag, this is not one of them. I don’t really see how this is any different than Lindzi arriving by horse. It’s an expensive prop that you have at your disposal to use to make yourself stand out and that does not inherently bother me. It’s not like he swooped in and took Emily for a ride. That would’ve been a tool move. But the arrival itself is not offensive to me.
The Cocktail Party
OK, has anyone noticed how much the guys talk about how gorgeous she is? And in real life, she probably is like breathtakingly beautiful because she looks freaking perfect on TV. But seriously, give it a rest, guys. We get it. But hey, props nobody called her a “MILF” during that toast about her being the hottest mom ever.
One guy weirdly says he has six kids and is going to show her pictures and I expect them to be of his dogs or whatever – but the show never shows us! It’s like they set up a joke and cut away before the punchline. Weird.
Chris brings two bobbleheads, one of him and one of her, which is admittedly a really cute ploy. I would’ve totally loved that. Speaking of ploys, Doug brings a letter his 11-year-old son wrote to Emily. Hmph. That’s a little weird. Because I am highly skeptical that this kid was like, “Hey dad, let me write her a letter!” Instead, the dad was probably like, “You’re gonna write this so I can get laid” (or something not as crass).
But it gets Doug the First Impression Rose, so Emily obviously thought it was awesome. Hmm.
Kalon‘s arrival by helicopter does not thrill all the guys, but most of them are like “whatever.” Except for Stevie. Stevie is really bothered and I suspect it has more to do with how much Kalon looks like a movie star and less to do with his chopper.
For instance, Kalon is getting one-on-one time and a guy comes up to interrupt and says, “Do you mind if I steal her?” and Kalon responds in a jokey but pleasant way, “Well, I certainly mind, but I don’t think there’s anything I can do about it.” It didn’t rub me the wrong way. But Stevie runs to tell the other guys (because he’s an insecure tattle-tale) and makes it sound way worse than it actually was.
Seriously, I’m not in love with Kalon by any means. Jury’s still out on him. But with Stevie it’s just like – settle down, dude. Handle your own business, handle your Emily business and stop getting so worried about Kalon and his butt-chin and his confidence.
Arie has his heart-to-heart with Emily about how he’s a racecar driver and she’s totally cool with it, as I suspected she would be. She loves racing and Ricky didn’t die in a racecar accident.
I’m not complaining about the 90-minute premiere (as opposed to two hours), but it does seem like the Cocktail Party interactions got short shrift. Could’ve skipped the video intros and shown more of Emily actually interacting with the men, I think.
The roses go to Doug (had), Chris (of the bobbleheads), Ryan (of the cute note, bad hair), Kalon (helicopter), Arie (Indy car), Charlie (balcony accident), Jef with one F (Marty McFly), Nate (wooo, cute!), Sean (uh, nothing to report), Joe (crazypants, kind of car sales-y), Kyle (nothing to report), Aaron (high school teacher), Alejandro (speaks Spanish), John (goes by “Wolf” for reasons unknown), Alessandro (speaks Portuguese), Michael (get a haircut), Stevie (ughhhh), Tony (single dad) and … Travis (of the dopey egg).
So going home are Brent (brought a name tag), David (terrible songwriter), Jackson (cheesy opening line), Jean-Paul (nothing to report), Lerone (nice to see you, minority guy) and Randy (old lady drag queen).
As Brent leaves, he talks about his six kids again. Um, w
ait. He has six kids for real? Wish we could’ve seen more of that conversation. Jean-Paul is a little melodramatic – “my heart fell on the floor and got trampled.” Hmm.
Just on my own personal taste, I would’ve swapped Lerone for Alessandro and Brent for Stevie, but other than that, I’m down with her choices.
This season on “The Bachelorette”: Castles, yelling, castles, fields, archery, Ricki, islands, cliff diving, kissing, hugging, hugging, kissing, kissing, sailboats, a country concert, dancing, London, hugging, hand-holding, picnic, kissing, Ricki, beaches, London, kids, drama, baggage, Kalon as villain?, drama, Emily handling her business like a rock star, rainstorms, heartache, tears, tears, tears, tears, tears, contemplative walking, mansion, contemplative staring, dancing, kissing, Dolly Parton, dancing, kissing, carousel.
Outtakes: Jackson the fitness model strips. Ew, dude. Stop. Please stop.
What did you think of “The Bachelorette” premiere, gang?