Previously on Neanderthal Theatre: Everyone was crazy. Everyone. Everyone. The Giudice/Gorga feud raged on! Even with bedazzled bindis! At least we had the fact of Ashley(e)’s departure to cheer us. Oh crap, you don’t think she’s coming back during this episode, do you? I hardly even got to enjoy the break!
We begin with Kathy filling Rich in on the drama at the Summer Solstice party. Meanwhile, Caroline is doing the same with Albert. Everyone has giant SUVs in Jersey, don’t they? I’m sure it’s for all of their good charity work. In any case, Al thinks it’s whack that Teresa said that Melissa would cheat on Joe Gorga if a richer guy came along. Caroline thinks it’s whack, too, and diagnoses Teresa’s problem as such: Melissa is a better, younger version of Teresa. Her mere existence is a bother to Teresa because without Melissa and her tiny waist and her “hit single” and her forehead that is not nearly as reminiscent of early man, Teresa would have no competition for title of supreme dumb-ass. And now her seething envy is on display, on display, on display, each and every day, every day, every day.
But back to Kathy. Rich thinks she should be totally done with Teresa, but Kathy maintains an iota of sympathy. At this point, I think she’s the only one. Rich refers to Teresa’s pea brain, which maybe is a type of sympathy in itself. But he’s frustrated that she won’t own up to the reality of the Giudice tough times and just try to be normal. Kathy still wants to be the peacemaker because Teresa is her family. Richie makes some metaphor about having cancer in your arm, and I guess wants to amputate a Teresa-shaped limb from all of their lives. Kathy, in contrast, wants to invite her to a pool party. Awesome. For her part, Caroline is totally done. She thinks Teresa is crazy, literally, and is probably right.
And then it’s time to catch up with the subject of all this smack talk, Teresa herself. She makes the bed as Juicy whacks a punching bag and enjoys the feeling of the ‘roids coursing through his system. Juicy has to take a dump, but hangs around long enough for Teresa to begin to tell him about the “Solsist” party. I think she should just shout out “ingredientses!” at random intervals, in an attempt to win us over again. Ah, we were all so innocent then. Meanwhile, Melissa and Joe toss around the pigskin. That is not a double entendre for sex. The telling of the tale unfolds at each household. Joe Gorga is largely silent as Melissa explains what happened, while Juicy is typically horrible. He calls Melissa a horseface and golddigger and tramp. You know, if Teresa really wants to rehabilitate her image, she needs to dump 5’4″ of dead, juicy weight. He’s just the worst.