Here we go, “Bachelorette” fans. Emily Maynard has to choose (or not choose) between the final two men, Arie Luyendyk and Jef Holm. And for the first time ever, “After the Final Rose” is live, brought to you by the not-yet-ready-for-primetime players.
It’s most likely live because of some big surprise twist — do you think it’s ’cause Emily chooses one guy initially, then pulls a Jason Mesnick? Or Jefff and Arie found love and ran off together? Or perhaps Emily fell deeply in love with Chris Harrison and they get married on the spot? (That’d be rather amazing, actually.)
We kick things off with Harrison billing this as “the most dramatic television event of the summer.” Until some girl goes crazypants on “Bachelor Pad” and stabs Kalon. Or, ya know, the Olympics.
Won’t be addressing the Colorado shooting shout-out — it’s weird to mention it, it’s weird not to mention it. What Harrison said was fine.
Emily doesn’t know what to do, y’all. She loves them both. Baggage runs up and Emily says she’s waffling about Baggage meeting the guys. Well, it’s fine not to want to introduce two men to your kid, but on the other hand — don’t accept an engagement without her having met the one you’re accepting. And also, it’d be kind of weird to expect the guys to propose without having met your daughter. That’s very weird. So perhaps a “plan” to get engaged after the winner meets Ricki off-camera is a better way to go.
Jeffff’s Family Day
Emily’s parents Suzy and David and brother Ernie and future sister-in-law Bethany are there. Ernie? Emily and Ernie? Wow. Ernie Maynard! That’s like … a mailman on a children’s program.
Anyway, Jeffff is rocking his best Jimmy Reardon look, while Emily’s mom looks a lot like Vanessa Redgrave from a few years ago. Very pretty. Jeffff assures Suzy that Emily completes him and that he’s ready to be a dad. That’s nice, but what else is he going to say?
Ernie takes Jefff off and kind of puts the fear of God into Jeffff about how Ricky the dad was the perfect guy and nobody has lived up yet. Um, yikes. Talk about “baggage.” Seriously. Meanwhile, Jefffff says he’s never been so much in love with a girl. Well, when you’re only 17, that’s probably true.
But Jefff gets Ernie’s blessing and then he gets dad David’s blessing. So thumbs up to Jeffff all around. It really seems like this family visit got a very quick edit, right? Like Jeffff spouted the quotes from his Stepdad-to-be-A-Day calendar and everybody said, “Yeah, marry ‘er!”
Arie’s Family Day
David is questioning why they’re even meeting a second guy, that’s how great he thought Jefffff was. Hmph. But Arie brings them a box of all the roses he’s gotten from Emily, which is pretty darn sweet. Great present for her mom. Awww.
Arie then takes alone time with each parent plus Ernie, and he easily wins over her mom. He also whips out the dated-the-single-mom card, which you can tell really impresses Ernie and Suzy. Ace in the hole, Arie.
The dad seems a little harder to win over, but in the end he gives a full-throated blessing, so there we go. Nobody knows what to do. Also, once again, the family time seemed to take like an hour in real time. Super short. There must be some serious Chris Harrison talk time later to pare these down to such small segments.
And after it’s over, the family is no help. They really liked them both. But her dad does say he doesn’t believe she can be in love with them both. Emily is a little put out that they won’t stop “dancing around” it and just pick one — um, you can’t pick either, lady. It’s not ultimately up to your family to tell you what to do.
She also wants to know there’s not a chance it’s not going to work. That’s kind of a tall order. I mean, I felt that way when I met my fella, but she’s also only known these guys six or seven weeks, plus she’s been dating a bunch of people at the same time. How can you possibly be that sure after a show like this?
Jeffff is quick to point out that while Emily has everything he’s been looking for, he hasn’t met Ricki yet. He says it’s up to Emily, but you can tell he thinks it’s a pretty big deal. He tells Emily to put herself in his shoes — how can you get engaged to someone who seems so perfect and you haven’t met their kid?
And Emily says it’s be weird, but she straight-up says she wasn’t planning on introducing Ricki to anybody. Wow, really? But then she just “decides” on the spot to pull the trigger. Hmm. Manufactured drama? ‘Cause if she felt that strongly about it, she wouldn’t have just given in so easily on the beach, la la la.
Then Emily’s all like, “I thought it would be best if you came over to our house.” OK, so you weren’t really waffling that much, lady. Time to meet the baggage, who doesn’t know he’s coming. Which, duh. What do you say? “I’m going to be bringing these two guys around, sweetie.”
Jefff seems very impressed at Emily’s mom skills and Ricki giggling at him all the time. Sigh. But when he gets into the pool, he and Ricki really hit it off and have fun, so that’s cool. He does say, “I wanted to play with her and get her trust,” which out of context is kind of hilarious. And into your white van, dude? Heh. (Just teasing, don’t email me.)
That night, just Jefff and Emily eat dinner and he did a great job with Ricki, but I just don’t see the spark between them that I see with her and Arie. Am I crazy? It’s a total friend vibe. Maybe he can babysit. *snicker*
Jefff gives her a book about Curacao — is it just a regular book? Like a coffee table book? Because that’s not terribly romantic. Um, he drew stick figures inside a coffee table book. Lamest. Bachelor franchise show. Present. Ever.
When she leaves, did he say, “Don’t do too much thinking.” I can’t rewind, I’m watching on a slingbox. What the heck does that mean? I’m sure he didn’t mean it in a sexist way (like I’m imagining Ryan from earlier this season would have said it), but it’s still weird.
Um, why are we now talking to the studio audience? Nobody cares. Though I might watch a Jerry Springer-esque talk show hosted by Chris Harrison. It can be called “I Want to Talk to Chris Harrison. ” Thank you, and goodnight.
A woman who looks old enough to be Jeffffff’s mom says she hopes Emily chooses Arie so the rest of us can have Jefffff. Ew. See you ’round the cell block, Mrs. Robinson.
Emily’s Chris Harrison Time
Uh oh. She wants to talk to Chris Harrison before Arie gets a date and to meet Ricki? It’s not looking good for Arie.
Emily confesses she doesn’t know what to do, but … then why no date with Arie? Why not introduce him to Ricki? She tells Chris that Jeffff is the one, her mind is made up. Wow. Arie doesn’t even get a chance. And also — hmph. Not what I see at all on the show. Jefffff and Emily kissing is like watching cousins kiss. Nope.
She also says, “As much as I love [Arie], I’ve fallen in love with someone else a little bit more.” That’s what Jeffff wants to hear, I’m sure. I love you a little bit more! Congratulations. You win.
Arie Gets Dumped
It’s all about Emily, of course. Her heart is broken, she feels bad, she’s so upset, blah blah blah. But while she’s staring contemplatively out into the ocean, poor Arie is making a love potion with an old lady while talking about meeting Ricki and being in love with Emily and how tomorrow he is getting engaged. Oh, poor Arie.
Wouldn’t it be kind of awesomely reality show if he just got stood up and then he returned to his villa and big, burly production dude was taking his luggage away? That would be amazing.
Emily finally shows and she’s already barely containing her tears. She then sits him down and cries and he starts tearing up and tells her not to say anything else. He is pretty shocked. She insists that for the longest time she thought it would be her and Arie, but now she has more confidence in Jefffff. Ouch.
Also, how can you be more confident in Jefff when Arie didn’t get a chance to be around your daughter?
He tells her not to say anything else, he kisses her on the cheek and he tries to leave, which is a very gallant thing to do. But she chases after him like she wants more from him — she obviously wants him to, like, beg or something. Which is kind of gross. You can tell she’s very surprised that he’s just done with it all. Which says to me that she’s not 100% about Jeffff at this point.
I also don’t think Arie is being a jerk or a d-bag or anything. He is obviously hurt, upset and just wants to get out of there and
that’s totally fair. He does not have to stick around and soothe the feelings of the girl who just dumped him on national TV.
In the car, Arie is mad. He feels like a chump, which is understandable. And he still feels like she’s the love of his life, which is why this sucks so badly and is so hard for him.
And back in the studio audience, “clearly” everyone is “deeply effected.” I wish they had a shot of some woman in the crowd just openly weeping or something. Rending her garments and ugly-cry-face wailing. That would be outstanding.
Now we have to check in with Ashley and JP, who are there. And Chris asks her how hard it was for Emily. They’re still together, that’s nice.
DeAnna is there too. She and Emily are connected through Brad, in the weird STD flow chart of this show. And Michael Stagliano is there too. Oh, who cares about these people? Though Michael does hilariously say that after the show, women will be basically stripping down and asking Arie to sex them in the street, so high-five about that.
More commercials. For the love of Pete.
The Big Day
In Emily’s voiceover, she once again talks about Jeffffff’s “edge.” Oh lordy. He has an edge like the gang members in “West Side Story” have an edge. Stay cooly-cool, boy. Meanwhile, edgy Jefffff picks out his engagement ring for Emily.
A round diamond set in “pink gold”? You been eatin’ retard sandwiches again? (That’s from “Beautiful Girls,” don’t email me. Instead, watch it, because it’s a good flick).
When we finally get to the proposal, Jefffff is finally dressed like a grown-up. And bonus points for not cruising up on a skateboard.
Emily tells him he’s the one — her soulmate and he gets her and she loves him. Then Jeffff says he’s the luckiest man in the world and they are meant to be and she’s his everything and blah blah. He finally gets around to the proposal. She says yes. The music swells! And it’s “The Karate Kid,” which — OK.
What did you think, fans? Stay tuned for a second piece recapping the ATFR live show.