It’s time for the oh-so-romantic
Let’s Have Sex Dates Fantasy Suite Dates on “The Bachelorette.” Does anybody ever say no? I honestly can’t remember anyone saying no. Also, is Ricki coming to Curacao? She should probably meet at least the final two, right? Maybe?
In the montage of each guy that we must endure before anything good happens, it seems like Emily equates Sean’s sensitive side with the side that smooches on her constantly. Seriously, it’s like all those two do is make out. But apparently he “gives her butterflies in her heart,” which sounds like something she should get checked out, maybe.
Jeffff gets this rock ‘n roll riff for his montage, like he’s the “bad boy” of the group because he rode up on a skateboard and didn’t kiss her for a million years. Or that just means he’s actually 13 years old.
During Arie’s montage, Emily gets choked up. Ding ding ding, we have a winner! I will predict right now I think Sean is going home tonight, Arie is the winner and Jefff is the also-ran.
The “Emily + ?” in the sand is kind of gross. Please don’t do that again, show.
Emily wants the dirt on his past relationships because there haven’t been many. He basically says they just haven’t been right, plus he’s kind of picky (which is fine, no judgment here). And then Emily tap-dances around his no “I love you” stuff and he cops out and says he’s crazy about her, but he can’t quite get those three words out and it makes it awkward because they both know what is just hanging there. Not that I personally think saying “I love you” is a dealbreaker on “The Bachelorette,” but for Emily it seems like a big deal.
But that night, he totally scores a home run by writing a letter to Ricki under the presumption that she reads this after he and Emily are together for good. It’s very sweet, honestly. Talking about how she’s always his daughter even though he will never replace her father. It’s getting a little dusty in here, y’all. That was totally better than an “I love you,” to me.
Sean weirdly says love is “you can’t stand to spend your life with anyone else.” Yes, the forgotten first-draft line from “Love Story.”
But seriously, he must have meant “you can’t stand to spend your life without that person” because the way he said it makes it sound like you can’t take anyone else, so you’ll settle for the person who drives you the least amount of crazy. And while that may end up being true about a marriage, that isn’t the way I necessarily view “love” at the get-go. Heh.
Naturally, after that panty-igniting letter to her daughter, Emily says she would love nothing more than to spend the night in the Fantasy Suite with Sean.
They go hot-tubbing and the burbling hot tub is totally distracting. It’s like one of them is farting in there. What is with that?!
And then! Emily sends Sean away. Hey, major props for putting your money where your mouth is, Ems. You’re a mom, you’re not down with shacking up with three dudes in three nights on national TV, so you’re sending him home. Good for you, lady!
Emily and her babysitting charge are going yachting. “On that boat?” Jeffff asks. Dude, that is not a “boat.” That is a vessel that could, like, sail to the New World. Anyway, they talk about some stuff on the boat. The wind makes it hard to hear, but it sounds like Jeffff’s parents want to meet Emily. He suggests she meet them if “this all works out.” I have to say, I wouldn’t pick a guy whose parents I hadn’t meant. But that’s just me.
Emily’s big thing with Jefff is that he “gets her.” What does that even mean? Also, Jefff compares their relationship to a Monet, ostensibly. Which brings to mind “Clueless” – “From far away, it’s OK, but up close, it’s a big ol’ mess.”
Though in this instance, from far away it looks like someone should be calling Child Protection Services, so that isn’t exactly accurate.
Before dinner, Jefff talking-heads how hard it is that he hasn’t met Ricki, who is such a big part of the life of someone he’s falling in love with. Amazingly, the giant anvil of irony doesn’t come crashing down on Missing Parents Boy’s head.
Then at dinner, Emily kind of grossly says she wouldn’t expect Jefff to move to North Carolina and she would move to wherever he is and she’d be happy because he’s there. Ughhhhh. Why, on BOTH shows (“Bachelor” and “Bachelorette”) is it like assumed they’ll move to wherever the man lives?
Jefff then asks if he’s a good fit for Ricki and I think I can answer that one – you’re probably right around her level, maturity-wise, so …
The card comes for the Fantasy Suite and Jefff has some lovely words about not using the suite, which Emily loves, and then they use the suite the same way she and Sean did. Emily is so touched by his words, but she’s also like – he turned me down! I wanted to turn him down! And honestly, if Jefffff has been purposely playing hard-to-get this whole season, he’s been masterful at it, because you can tell Emily is into it because she’s used to guys just slobbering all over themselves to be with her. Jeffff’s aloofness has really snared her. Genius move, if he’s doing it on purpose.
They go swimming with dolphins, which is so honest-to-God cool. Jealous. It’s weird that Emily was scared. They aren’t sharks, lady. Meanwhile, Arie says Emily is the love of his life, which are some strong words. There is also a lot of talk about how much they like making out with each other.
At dinner, Emily feels like she has to get to know Arie without just jumping his bones like they usually do. He confesses to sleeping til 9 am every day and going out to eat a lot, which you can tell Emily is like, “Hmmm.”
Arie then says that in building his relationship with Ricki, he would have to start out being her buddy and build a friendship first, which is interesting. It would certainly be easier for the family dynamic, since Emily has been the sole disciplinarian all along and it might be awkward navigating Arie taking over that responsibility right off the bat. Hmm.
And then! Emily doesn’t even get out the Fantasy Suite card for Arie because she doesn’t trust herself to be alone with him like that. Wow. So, the other guys got the cards, but this relationship seems more intense. What an interesting turn of events.
Chris Harrison Dish
Emily is freaking out about her choice. That’s the long and the short of it. Each guy recorded a video message for her and she’s crying before she even watches them. Sean busts out the “I love you,” while Jeffff is all crunchy granola talking about them “taking a journey together” and blah blah. At this point, I think Sean is going home, but I hope it’s Jefff.
Naturally, during the messages, Emily is a big ol’ mess. It’s totally understandable that she doesn’t want to hurt any of them, but not so much that she doesn’t want to make the wrong choice. How is there a wrong choice? Despite what the show has to make her say, there is no way she loves all three of them equally.
Emily is still wearing like a Fruit of the Loop tank top and a skirt made out of ti
n foil, which is not her best look so far on the show. She tells the guys she cares about all of them and that she’s sorry.
The roses then go to Jeffff – whoa. I had already typed Arie. That is so surprising that he got called out first because Arie seems like a no-brainer – and Arie. Yeah, that’s not a shock Sean is going home, but it would’ve been more suspenseful if Arie was called out first.
Sean looks pretty devastated and in his little goodbye talk with Emily, he says he’s pretty stunned. Emily starts full-on crying and it’s like – that’s nice, but maybe please don’t ask me to feel bad for YOU for dumping ME? If you’re Sean.
In the limo, he just very quietly says he thought he was going to marry her. Awww. You know, if Arie wins, I would much rather watch Sean as the next Bachelor than Jefffff.
Next week: Uh, I don’t know. The DVR cut off before I got the previews.