Previously on Masterpiece Classics presents The Real Housewives of New Jersey: There was an implication of trouble in Casa de Giudice, which was a huge shocker only in a sarcastic sense. Kathy expressed interest in shilling desserts, which I’m sure will provide many fascinating plot points from here on out. And everyone looked ahead to the Napa road trip with a particularly acute sense of dread.
We enter with Teresa and Joe Giudice driving somewhere that has something to do with her new product, “Fabellini.” They are going to a vineyard. Teresa does not know what that is. As she talks about her new product she manages to slam Skinnygirl, because she is always thinking ahead in terms of squashing promising business (or personal, really) alliances. As she talks about how she’d like to expand her empire, Joe Giudice barely musters up a ****. You’d think he’d at least perk up a little when she’s fundamentally talking about how to support his bankrupt ass. But what can you expect of people who can’t even decide how to pronounce their last name? And then we get a short yet excruciating bit of awkwardness as Joe Giudice says that he lost his wallet “in the car.” Whose car, Teresa asks? Yeah. “A friend’s car.” God I wish she’d just divorce him already and get her spin-off about being a single mom.
And then it’s time to visit with the Gorga. The older son, Gino, is punching Joe, much to Melissa’s chagrin. Joe just stands there and takes it like an idiot. Singer/songwriter and Gorga producer Corte Ellis stops by, and we learn that Joe Gorga invented gorgonzola cheese. True story! Melissa, Joe and Corte have a sit down and talk about Melissa’s “music career.” Corte talks a bit about shopping around for labels, and Joe says that Melissa don’t need no stinking label. He’s an entrepreneur and can make magic happen in any field! So they decide to “start independent” with the “plan” of eventually generating a “bidding war” with “record labels.” And if Melissa Gorga gets a record deal, I am just done with life. I’m just going to throw my EpiPen in the trash, eat a big brownie with walnuts and end it all.
Meanwhile, Caroline and Lauren “go” “to” “get” “some” “coffee” and happen to notice that Chateau, the salon and spa where Lauren “worked” for exactly one day, is now for rent. Chateau, we are reminded via flashback, is also the place where soil of the great Dina Manzo-Danielle Staub rivalry was first tilled. That 45-second flashback is seriously the most compelling thing that’s happened all season. Lauren feels like this is the perfect place for her new “business,” and though Caroline has some reservations her main purpose in life is to give her otherwise unemployable kids jobs.