Well hello, friends! I don’t know about you, but I am really happy to be spending one of the last Fridays of the summer watching the premiere of the “Tyra Went to Harvard” cycle of America’s Next Top Model. I think they should just rename this whole shebang as, Oh My God, This Show Is Still On? But Why? It is truly nothing to smize about!
So, everything is madness. Tyra’s best friend and main advisor is a bearded guy in a blonde wig, which makes a strange kind of sense and explains a lot. He helps her come to the decision that Cycle 19 needs to be blown up, and also have a college theme just to give an excuse to talk about how Tyra fake-went to Harvard. Kelly Cutrone somehow survived the judging panel massacre, so she is back, but everyone else is new. In the British guy role we have hot hot hot model Rob Evans, and Katy Perry stylist Johnny Wujek will be the new Jay Manuel. Fashion blogger Bryanboy doesn’t actually show up, but will be the panel member who represents us, the American voters, who will get to weigh in every week and allegedly have a quarter of the say in who goes home. I would go full-on anti-suffrage if it meant that Andre Leon Talley could come back. Oh, and the prizes are different, too! No Cover Girl contract or Vogue Italia — the girls are vying for a Nylon spread, L.A. Models and New York Model Management contracts, campaigns with Nine West and Smashbox Cosmetics, and $100,000 cash.
Thirty finalists from colleges and cosmetology schools around the country amass themselves at a location that is at least meant to look like a college. There are lots of revelers around, texting comments in this new high-tech environment! Have you ever seen anything so groundbreaking? Are we actually in the future? The finalists have a head-to-head walking challenge, and then each have a photo shoot. The results of the shoot are put up online so that anonymous haters from across the globe can say mean things about them. I’m sure this new element of the show is going to turn out to be VERY productive!
Individual interviews with the panel abound, and there are a few standouts amongst the crowd. Leila from Rhode Island (represent!) is quite possibly the most modelesque, with her somewhat awkward and ghostly gap-toothed look. Destiny and Kiara take the prize for really depressing background stories, determination to move forward with their lives, and innate loveliness. Laura is the daughter of a soap opera actor and a beauty queen who is trying to pass herself off as a small town girl, and Jessie is the adorable architecture grad student who has a donkey booty to die for. Oh, and Kristin is the Barbie-esque beeyotch. And then there’s the real star of the show, Victoria, who has the distinction of being friendless, homeschooled, and a student at Jerry Falwell’s own Liberty University online. She’s basically just really, really socially retarded and doubtlessly will be torn to shreds in the model house and via online comments.