The latest “Bachelor Pad” picks up with the fallout from Ed’s near-eviction. Sarah, the girl who thought she was pathetic for not hooking up, is now feeling so guilty about voting to evict her hook-up Ed. She’s actually crying about it. And Ed is thinking about leaving because he can’t handle the game. Things are harsh when you’re sober, huh, Ed? But that lasts about five seconds, as Man-clyn convinces him to stay. So …. who cares?
They’re taking the inmates on a road trip! The obstacle course they have to run is hot fudge sundae-themed (not the Saved by the Bell singing group, an actual sundae). The girls wade through ice cream, slide down hot fudge, crawl through whip cream, then dump nuts on themselves and hop to their partner in their “nut sacks” (yes, *snicker*), then the partners do it in reverse. It’s called Hot Sludge Fun Day, which is also awesome. Bringing the A game on challenges this year, BP.
Also, they are randomly assigned new partners. Excellent. This whole “you’re my partner ’til our dying day” attitude that crazypants Blakeley has been coping was the worst. Plus, Kalon and Erica are partnered together, which is hilarious.
Disappointingly, the pool of ice cream is not even remotely ice cream. But Stagliano’s recreation of the girls completing that portion was laugh-out-loud funny. He’s a funny dude, I think he’d be my favorite if I was on this show.
Anyway, turns out Jaclyn totally sucks and so does Ed. Jaclyn’s partner CHris is actually able to catch up to Ed because Ed is so bad, despite Ed having a huge lead after the girls portion. Ed just finally gives up and loses, so he and Jamie have a vote against them. Michael and David are neck and neck for the win and it looks like David pulls it out, which is kind of awesome, noob.
Ed talking-heads that this is the worst thing that has ever happened to him. He is not speaking, of course, of cancer or his mom dying or something. He means people seeing him lose physical challenges on a summer reality show, so … quite the charmed life for Mr. Swiderski, apparently.
Chris Harrison has to go to the tape for the win, and it turns out David and Rachel did win, so that’s cool. Good for him.
And Reid is crowing about Ed’s vote against him and once again name-drops Jillian. Seriously, dude. Live in the now. What is WRONG with you? Is “Bachelor Pad” making you play out this whole Ed-stole-Jillian storyline? And are they paying you extra, because it makes you look so pathetic.
If David has a brain in his head, he will repay Blakeley for his date last week, but he’ll give the rose to Donna to keep her safe. David ends up picking Blakeley, Erica (um what?) and Jamie. Huh. So Donna’s on her own. And this Erica business? Guess she’s over her “no sleeping with the help” policy. Also, clearly David cannot read a room at all because he invited the two girls who, like, hate each other plus the crazy girl. So good job with that.
Meanwhile, Chris, in another outstanding display of his 25-year-old maturity and how he’s not a disgusting human being at all, is excited that both of his women, Blakeley and Jamie, will be out of the house that night so he can “have some fun.” Oh god, ladies. Look out ’cause Chris Bukowski is on the prowl and ready to howl. (I mean that literally — please look out for yourselves. Everybody got a whistle handy? Pepper spray?)
David’s date turns out to be a prom and the background music starts to sound very REO Speedwagon. In a sad twist, Jamie (who if you’ll remember has been taking care of her siblings for awhile now) did not go to her senior prom and is really excited about sort of getting to do one now. Which — wow. That breaks my heart a little.
As the girls try on dresses and Jamie gets all silly and excited, Blakeley stares at her like she wants to smash her champagne flute on the table and then stab Jamie with it. Jamie even tries to call a truce (like she has any reason to, because Blakeley does not own Chris, but she’s trying to mend fences) and wants to toast to being friends and having fun and Blakeley is having none of it. Guess you don’t get any more mature when you turn 40 either.
Some country band is playing the prom, which is kind of dumb. There should be a DJ spinning the cheesiest songs he has. Meanwhile, during the prom photoshoot, David kisses Jamie and Blakeley’s mouth literally drops open. She is ridiculous. Her crazy eyes are terrifying.
Jamie and David go off alone and she cries a little about missing her prom because that was when her mom started disappearing for weekends at a time and stuff. Man, that sucks. And David wipes her tears and it’s very sweet, then he talks about saving Jamie because she’s got a vote against her, but he’ll need Jamie’s help in the future.
Blakeley interrupts before a deal can be struck and she puts the screws to him about the rose. She reminds him that he said he’d vote any way she wants if she didn’t vote for him last week. Well, yes. That means he’ll vote any way you want, not that he’ll give you the rose, which you DID NOT do for him. It’s a good try, but hopefully David is not dumb enough to fall for this. Blakeley feels like since she wants David to vote Jamie out, he should just give Blakeley the rose, it’s all the same. Hmm. Not exactly.
But David doesn’t cave and he gives the rose to Jamie, as Blakeley puts him on her “diarrhea list.” Ewww. She also snots that she hopes Jamie and David enjoy the prom because they don’t have much time left. And she might actually mean that literally.
Back at the ponderosa, Reid approaches Ed to stir the pot about why he got votes, spinning a tale about paranoia and lies and really making things convoluted. Does it seem like Reid is unnecessarily making problems for himself? But Ed thinks Reid is his good friend and has his back.
Later, the party gets going and Ed gets drunk (again) and sleeps with Jaclyn. So that’s two ladies down for Ed. Gosh, step right up, ladies.
Chris wants to go on the date so he can stay away from Blakeley and Jamie some more. That is so mature of him. She picks Nick, Tony and Michael, though, so haha, Chris.
The date takes them to Madame Tussaud’s wax museum, which is kind of fun. I’ve been to the one in London and that was a hoot, but on the date the place is empty, which makes it kind of creepy. Speaking of creepy, there’s a “Bachelor” experience display and Chris Harrison is there posing as a wax figure and he scares the bejeesus out of them when he speaks, which is hilarious.
But the date involves making the four date people look like wax figures then get to play pranks on unsuspecting Madame Tussaud’s customers. OK, that’s kind of awesome. Also, Stagliano makes the best wax figure. Rachel sucks, she can’t stop blinking.
Anyway, she totally gives Michael the rose and they make out a bunch in the “Butch Cassidy” tableau.
Jamie is waxing poetic about how great Chris is and that she can “please him” as a woman and how much she wants to “fall in love on TV” so she can show her kids and … wow. Oh, Jamie. What is wrong with you? She goes to Chris and he totally rejects her. Just flat-out tells her to go away and leave him alone. She cries over the rejection. Oh, she is so awkward. Hopefully she watches this and it’s a big wake up call as to how to have some self-esteem and self-worth.
Reid is targeting Blakeley and Ed, which are both good targets. But stupid Sarah, who hook
ed up with Ed, wasn’t included in his master plan, then was thrown over for Jaclyn, feels like she OWES Ed the truth and spills to him that Reid is the one conspiring against Ed. Wow, that might be a new level of pathetic on this show.
That night, Ed confronts Reid but there aren’t really any fireworks, which is disappointing. Ed accuses, Reid denies, lather, rinse, repeat. Boring. Why couldn’t Ed have gotten drunk first?
Meanwhile, there’s a Power Couple versus Underdog thing going on in the house. Blakeley knows she’s in danger, so she talks to Chris, then babbles something about being a Scorpio who will “sting the s*** out of you, in retrospect.” Tha hword — I do not think it means wha you think it means — Inigo Montoya.
Blakeley goes to work on the underdog votes and Tony assures her she’s completely safe. So who’s on the block? Oh, right, Donna. Forgot all about her. But Erica assures Donna that Kalon isn’t voting with the Power Couples and they’ve got the numbers to keep her. Hmm.
Donna then talking-heads about how sad it is that she’s not hooking up with someone and how she can’t leave the Bachelor Pad without hooking up. Nick then starts making out with her, so thank God we averted that crisis. Wouldn’t want to be seen as pathetic or anything.
The vote comes down to what Kalon decides, which he loves of course.
So then Reid goes to Jaclyn, bragging about how Ed is going home and trying to align with her before Ed’s body is even cold. Jaclyn becomes like the fifth girl to cry this episode alone. She’s crying like Reid is going to kill Ed and he rightly snickers about all the tears.
But crying Jaclyn goes to Ed with all of this and she resolves to get every girl in the house voting Reid out, as she dramatically rips up Reid’s picture as she puts it in the voting box. Her alliance members also vote for Reid.
In this case, it comes down to Sarah. Hopefully her self-respect gets her voting for Ed, but who knows. She doesn’t exactly seem like a bastion of stability and rational thought.
The Rose Ceremony
Obviously the final roses come down to Donna/Blakeley and Reid/Ed. In the end, Blakeley and Ed stick around. So Sarah kept her hook-up (gross) and Kalon went with the Power Couples. And Jaclyn has to make a self-righteous snotty speech about being more honest. Um, you do realize this is a game, right? Have you not watched any CBS reality shows, Man-clyn?
That was anticlimactic. Boooo. I demand more fireworks on this show.
Next week: The tell-all game that makes everybody cry some more. Exxxxxcellent. And Chris continues to be Mr. Maturity as he juggles two girls and then adds Sarah as a third. The non-pathetic Sarah, who has decided it’s non-pathetic to take some girls’ sloppy thirds (fourths, if you count Emily Maynard).