When we last left the fine folks of the “Bachelor Pad,” David is the last fan standing, while Ed is kind of a raging alcoholic and Chris is hooking up with everything that moves.
Ed and Jaclyn drunkenly slur things at each other and then Jaclyn mixes some metaphors about a scale of 1-10 and Cloud 9. On a scale of one to 10, those two don’t have five brain cells between them. Meanwhile, Jamie’s sweating things a bit because really the only ally she has in the house is David, who is probably not long for the “Bachelor Pad” world if he doesn’t win the challenge.
Then Chris Harrison stops by and they all have to fill out a survey about each other. Glassy-eyed Jaclyn sways on her feet as she tries to remember how to write, while Kalon smirks like he’s still some kind of villain instead of an empty suit. This is always the best challenge of the season, so I’m pretty pumped.
There’s a delightful game show set for this challenge. The first round is actual trivia, which is really dull. Sarah starts doing well and Chris cheers for her — Blakeley the bunny boiler somehow manages not to fly over the desk and stab Sarah to death with her high heel.
Finally we get to “Who Said That,” which should be awesome, but is tamer than I was hoping for. “I’m amazing” — Ed. “Ed is on the show because he doesn’t want to be forgotten since his season was 20 years ago” — Chris. “Accomplished the least in life is Blakeley” — Nick. “The worst parent is Erica because she eats her hair” — Kalon. “Girls in rhythmic gymnastic uniforms brought sexy thoughts” — David.
Jaclyn wins and is safe. Guys’ turn. The “Who Said That” portion goes — “Amount of men they have slept with is 11, no 12, no 9” — Blakeley. “Scandalous whoopie is on top of a car in a public parking lot” — Sarah. “Would rather sleep with Chris over current partner because he is so hot” — Jamie (Blakeley shoots daggers). “Jaclyn is most fake because she lies and manipulates constantly” — Jamie. “Jamie is the most annoying in the house because she hangs all over every guy and spins in circles for no reason” — Blakeley.
Ed wins, so he and Jaclyn the drunken louts are safe. Goodness. And now Jaclyn is gunning for Jamie because Jaclyn is a petty moron. Meanwhile, Rachel and David got the lowest scores, so they have a vote against them. Things are not looking good for David.
It sounds like Jaclyn only gets to ask one guy on the date, so she takes Ed. Sarah is annoyed — well, don’t be so quick to hop in the sack with the drunk dude who hooks up with everybody. Maybe we need to review what makes you “pathetic” and what doesn’t, Sarah.
Their date is an empty Dodger Stadium, which … that seems kind of boring, honestly. Ed blathers something about nostalgia, even though the Dodgers have only been in L.A. since the 1950s, and then we have to watch them “play ball” and flirt with each other, it’s super gross. These two are the worst. But Jaclyn does give us this gem, “Ed’s bangin’. He’s hot. He’s really cute. And he’s like sensitive … Who doesn’t have a crush on Ed?” …… everyone watching this show?
And then UGH — back at the ponderosa, Sarah is whining about how hurtful it was that Jaclyn took him on her date because Ed and Jaclyn have “only hooked up once.” As opposed to all the boot-knockin’ Sarah and Ed have done? And then Sarah actually says, “I think it’s f***ed up that I hooked up with this guy and then the next — the next day — you hook up with him and now all of a sudden you’re claiming him.”
Um, let’s amend that sentence to read, “I think it’s f***ed up that I hooked up with this guy.” That’s it. That’s the sentence.
Back at the Dodger Date, Jaclyn finds out that since Ed has a rose already, she has to give her rose to a guy in the house and he gets to go on Ed’s date with the girl of his choice. Heh. That’s kind of awesome. Though what would have been more awesome is if Ed got to keep his date and took Sarah instead of Jaclyn. Really lamenting a missed opportunity there, “Bachelor Pad” production.
Later, Drunky and the Tramp share a footlong hotdog while their bare feet waggle in the foreground of the shot, which makes me want to throw up — there is just so much wrong with that.
Chris’ Downward Spiral
Blakeley the bunny boiler is having a meltdown again about Chris cheering for Sarah at the competition, while Chris can’t seem to keep himself off the scantily-clad, twirly Jamie, who loves a “guy who isn’t too easy to catch.” Um, no, you don’t. You’ll realize in a couple years when you get some self-esteem and some self-worth that those guys are terrible jerks who will treat you like dirt and that a guy who likes you for you and is a good person is actually very easy to catch.
And despite his lack of feelings for Jamie, Chris jumps into bed with her as Jamie marvels that she’s in the arms of this “wonderful, gorgeous” man. But she puts the brakes on and wants to talk, which Chris doesn’t like, her being a “yapper” and all. There’s that maturity again. I hope he watches this and is absolutely mortified. His mother too.
In the morning, poor, dumb Jamie can’t stop gushing about her wonderful man. And she has stars in her eyes about Chris possibly getting the rose (which he does) and going on a magical date with him. But Chris asks Sarah! Bwahahaha! Blakeley looks murderous and Jamie looks ready to vomit.
Before he leaves, Blakeley wants a promise that they’re partners ’til the end. Um, you didn’t figure out a long time ago that he wasn’t that interested in being loyal partners? Catch up, Blakeley!
And then speaking of “catching up,” Chris tells Jamie that he couldn’t ask her on the date because of Blakeley’s wrath! And he comes out looking like some kind of hero to her for sparing her the drama and taking Sarah instead! “That’s the great thing about him — he doesn’t get pleasure by causing pain. He’s loyal and that’s so attractive.” OH. MY. GOD.
Jamie is so damaged. So damaged. Can we take up a collection for therapy for her after this show is over? I mean, this is … this is unbelievable, you guys. I’m actually past the point of wanting to be snarky and I just feel sad and embarrassed for this girl.
As they leave, Blakeley says, “If you hurt me or betray me, I feel very sorry for you.” Agreed, Blakeley, but probably for different reasons. Meanwhile, Sarah, who just the other day was lamenting Jaclyn’s claiming of the Ed Swiderski territory, seems to have moved on just fine with Chris.
As the limo drives into an empty parking garage, fingers crossed the driver goes all “Bone Collector” on them, but alas, it’s just a stunt driver. They’re making an action movie. Gag.
It’s really dumb. The only good part is when Sarah kicks Chris in the face, but that is unfortunately an accident. That night after dinner at a hotel, Sarah ditzes, “Chris, we’ve got this whole hot tub to ourselves.” As opposed to all those “Bachelor” dates where they make them go to the Holiday Inn and film in a hot tub full of tourists from Sheboygan or whatever. And then they make out.
Back at the ranch, Ed gets a rose to hand out to the girl of his choice (Chris doesn’t get one because he didn’t win the challenge). He gives it to Rachel, since she has a vote against her, which is very nice of him. She and Michael are adorable and very trustworthy.
After Rachel gets the rose, Jamie decides she needs to confront Blakeley about … something. It’s unclear. And they talk in circles until
finally Jamie gets Blakeley to admit she’s done with Chris, so Jamie’s now all smiles and puppies and rainbows because now she and Chris can be together! Heart doodle on the Lisa Frank trapper keeper! Twirl to the left, tell every guy in the house how much you like him, twirl to the right, talk about how loyal he is.
This as Chris and Sarah decide it’s uncouth to do it in front of the camera (never stopped either of them at the Bachelor Manse) and so they GET A ROOM at the hotel. So Chris of the Jamie pseudo-hookup and Sarah of the Ed for-real-hookup, who also hooked up with Jaclyn, are going to go have sex now. The Transitive Property of Equality tells us that they’ve kind of all slept with each other, so hopefully everyone’s shots are up to date. Maybe they just pass out penicillin with breakfast in the “Bachelor Pad.” They all line up, “Cuckoo’s Next”-style, and Chris Harrison in a little Nurse Ratched hat dispenses the pills.
Also, next season? I demand a threesome of some sort. They’re almost there, let’s make that happen.
The Morning After/Cocktail Party
So, thank God Sarah avoided her crisis of being the “pathetic” girl who didn’t hook up with anyone. Phew! And Jamie is pretty devastated and it’d be nice to think this was a huge wake-up call for her, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
The cocktail party has quite the lack of suspense, since Chris is safe via his rose. He’d be the one the girls would kick to the curb, but they can’t vote for him, so David is scrambling to try to rally votes to keep him to stay. He works on Jaclyn, Blakeley and Jamie, at the expense of Nick, who is the only person Jaclyn would vote out over David.
Everybody acts like they’re considering keeping David, but it seems like that’s just editing. On the guys’ side, it’s also not that interesting. It’s Jamie vs. Blakeley, but it seems like Jamie is on her way out.
Chris the moron makes sure to spell out for Stagliano how popular he is with the ladies and which ones will keep him around, so Stagliano rounds up his alliance to vote Jamie out because she’s loyal to Chris.
Chris and his delusions of grandeur actually say, “I do feel like I have a great grasp on the game and I feel like I’m more powerful than everybody. People listen to what I have to say and why because I have a plan on how to win this thing and they should listen to me if they want a chance at winning.” *headsmack* He’s not only a d-bag, he’s super dumb.
The Rose Ceremony
Obviously it comes down to Blakeley/Jamie and Nick/David. Before the announcement, Chris and his delusions of grandeur snot, “Nice knowin’ ya” about Blakeley, so it’s kind of awesome when she stays and Jamie goes. On Jamie’s way out, she tells Chris he’ll regret his actions and he is (shockingly) a jerk to her. His family should disown him out of embarrassment.
And David leaves too, no big surprise there. Sorry David. You may have made this season a lot different if you’d kept your wits about you that first episode. However, stop crying about how this is the saddest thing that’s ever happened to you and that this was the four greatest weeks of your life, because that’s making you seem creepy and a lot less likable.
Next week: The “Cinderella” tea cup challenge, plus more couple time for Michael/Rachel and Kalon/Lindzi. And Chris actually yells, “I’m a grown-a** man.” Uh, nothing we’ve seen so far would prove anything of the sort.