After Kalon and Lindzi leave “Bachelor Pad,” Chris pats himself and the rest of the group on the back for being so special and privileged and something or other. He does have a point — surviving a “Bachelor” show and then surviving “Bachelor Pad” without contracting herpes or developing a raging drinking problem is quite the achievement. So he obviously was not talking to Ed.
Harrison drops the bomb that one couple goes home immediately after this challenge, but he doesn’t say it’s the losers. He just says the winners have a lot of power, so clearly the winners get to send any couple packing that they choose.
The challenge is “Hanging by a Thread” and involves each couple putting one half on a seat suspended above the pool. The other half answers trivia questions about “Bachelor” shows. Three wrong answers will send the seat plummeting away, then the hanging half can just hang from a bar as long as he or she can.
All the couples put the man on the seat except Rachel and Nick. The questions are fairly tricky and it doesn’t take long for Tony to be hanging on his bar, then drop. Then Rachel drops. Sarah is killing the trivia, though. She barely misses a question and she and Chris win.
At least we keep the drama alive. And of course, they send Blakeley and Tony home, which is a personal decision for them, but also probably the best strategy decision. Nick/Rachel are brand new partners and have terrible work-together-ness, while Jaclyn and Ed are pretty weak in challenges despite having been together all along. So we’d get rid of B/T too.
It’s nice how Chris relishes the “opportunity to shatter someone’s dreams.” Yep, he’s a “grown-a** man” of 25, y’all. And before he can evict a couple, he gives a holier-than-thou speech about how great he and Sarah are, wondering why someone wouldn’t trust him. *siiiiiigh* Does he really not know why someone wouldn’t trust him? Chris is so delusional and his lack of self-awareness is astounding. Every week it gets more surprising, even though it shouldn’t.
Blakeley takes it really hard, which is kind of weird, but this kind of stuff happens all the time on these locked-in-a-house reality shows. Everybody gets bizarrely co-dependent. We’ll chalk it up to Blakeley feeling bad it’s pretty much her that got Tony kicked off and he’s such a good guy. We’ll say it’s that.
Meanwhile, the final six think they deserve a reward for how hard their lives are or something. Isn’t your lack of STDs reward enough? Though it was Sarah complaining and she has been hooking up with Chris and maybe that’s no longer a reward for them.
The Final Challenge
The final challenge is something I would, no joke, take more seriously than my law school finals. I love hair bands, I love to sing and perform, I love the song “Sister Christian.” I would rock the crap out of this challenge and not care who laughed at me.
Plus, Night Ranger is totally there! WOOOOOOO! *makes rock hands in the air*
Everybody gets a vocal coach and the Night Ranger members are the judges for who wins. The rehearsals are kind of a crapshow — Chris is the only person who can kind of sing, but he’s really held back by Sarah. As her vocal coach says, diplomatically, “You’re sort of not hitting the right notes.”
While Rachel and Nick struggle with what the song is about, which is not really the point — but it turns out that will be important later.
Ed and Jaclyn seem the most into it, but Ed sounds like he could cut an album called “Bob Dylan Sings ’80s Hair Bands.” Which would be kind of amazing (not Ed, the album for real). What’s Bob Dylan up to? Surely he could make that happen. We would like to request “Cherry Pie,” “Talk Dirty to Me” and “Unskinny Bop,” please.
Anyway, the performances are … kind of yikes. Everyone looks terrific, especially Rachel. She looks like she should be fronting an all-girl ’80s rock band. She also has that scratchy voice sex-operator thing going on, which helps her actual vocal performance seem better than it is.
Jaclyn and Ed totally stink. It’s like they’ve never heard this song before. Seriously, this is the worst. It is making me want to crawl under the couch and die. Their fake humping on stage does not make up for their forgetting the lyrics and Nick points out this song was written by the Night Ranger frontman FOR HIS LITTLE SISTER. Which is true. So, yuck. Though are we overly surprised that’s what Ed and Jaclyn did? No, we are not.
Chris and Sarah are similarly awful. I thought Chris could kind of sing, but it turns out he can’t. Rachel is way better than him. And their dance moves are terrible. There is no reason why Nick and Rachel should not win this.
So now basketcase Rachel and who’s-that-guy Nick are in the “Bachelor Pad” finals. Bet production never saw that one coming.
Now, the eliminated cast members vote on which couple goes for the money, right? So Rachel and Nick should probably keep Chris and Sarah because they are so disliked, but on the other hand — they’ve won a lot of challenges and have a pretty good argument for continuing to save themselves. But Ed and Jaclyn may be well-liked enough to sneak in there and get more votes than Rachel and Nick?
This is tricky, though we kind of think Rachel and Nick have the win in the bag no matter who they take. Neither Ed nor Chris are seen as real stand-up dudes and neither Sarah nor Jaclyn are super popular, though Jaclyn definitely moreso than Sarah.
Rachel and Nick do worry about them not seeming as a strong couple, while Chris and Sarah were actual “gamers” even if they are not liked in the house. However, Ed and Jaclyn don’t need the money (remember, Jaclyn went to college, y’all) and Nick is pushing hard not to take them because they are so popular in the house.
We don’t see it as cut and dried as Nick does — Chris and Sarah have the best argument for winning the money. Ed and Jaclyn may be well-liked, but so are Nick and Rachel and they can argue they actually won when it counted.
The Rose Ceremony
Jaclyn talking-heads that she “deserves” the rose because she and Rachel are good friends and that her not getting the rose would affect their friendship. Um, those two sentences don’t work together. If you’re such good friends, the rose shouldn’t matter. Guess Jaclyn didn’t take Friendship 101 in college.
And when Nick and Rachel keep Chris and Sarah, Jaclyn cries like her mom just died and can barely hug Rachel, who is also crying but at least she has a reason.
Jaclyn is a straight-up emotional 5-year-old with a potty mouth. She calls Rachel so many nasty names in the limo, it’s gross. Not that we should expect any better from the poor, sad girl who begs Ed Swiderski, after he tells her he has a girl back home, to be her boyfriend.
Get some help, Jaclyn. Please watch this back and examine your life and get some help.
In the limo, Jaclyn says she had “enough faith” and “trust” in her friendship with Rachel that Rachel wouldn’t do this to her, and that this was really hurtful and she’s completely betrayed. She says Rachel should be ashamed and their friendship is over.
Um, guess what? Rachel probably had enough faith and trust in your friendship that you’d realize it’s a game for $250,000 and it’s not personal and that you’d be a grown-up about everything. You should be ashamed, Jaclyn.
Next week: Uh, Rachel loses her mind at someone. What was that? Is it Stagliano? And who wins the money? We can’t wait to find out!