Okay, Directioners. We surrender. The MTV VMAs made One Direction fans out of us at Zap2it — we now know all of their names. We can even tell you which one wears his tiny pants the best, and which one made the requisite sacrifice to the Boy Band Hair Peroxide Gods.
Between their obviously genuine excitement when they won their very first VMA and their obviously genuine excitement when Katy Perry smooched them all, we were thoroughly charmed. Their performance was underwhelming though. Sure, their singing sounded great, but as products of the late-’90s early-2000s boyband heyday, we’ve come to expect a little more from our five-member male singing groups.
There were no pyrotechnics, no choreography. No schoolboy desks. No giant heads made out of television screens. Definitely no Britney Spears introducing them, and not even a single beatbox grunt was heard.
What are we supposed to do with that? A bunch of talented dudes who don’t light things on fire or wear outfits that require batteries? “They don’t dance! That’s their thing!” one Zap2it staffer said as they performed.
But how can something they don’t do be their thing?
Okay, One Direction boys. (Harry, Liam, Louis, Niall, and Zayn — see, we know them all. In alphabetical order, even.) You’ve got our interest. You’ve popped your figurative VMA cherry. Now next year, we’re going to demand a large reptile on the stage with you, or some sneakers that shoot out fireworks. At the very least one of you could jump off the stage and start making out with Rihanna mid-performance.