We do our best to tune out bitter veteran Hollywood blogger and hermit Nikki Finke, but sometimes she makes it just… too easy to call her out. In her completely unfunny live-blog of the Emmy Awards, presumably posted from a secret lair far beneath the streets of Los Angeles, Finke wrote that beautiful women (like Emmy winner Julie Bowen) can not be funny.
Her tirade went like this:
“Listen-up, Hollywood: Beautiful actresses
are not funny. They don’t know how to do comedy. (As Bowen demonstrated
with her acceptance speech that repeated the phrase ‘nipple covers’ 3
dozen times. To zero laughter.) Only women who grew up ugly and stayed
ugly, or through plastic surgery became beautiful, can pull off sitcoms
or standups. Bowen isn’t a comedienne just like Brooke Shields wasn’t
and a zillion more. Because it’s all about emotional pain and
humiliation and rising above both by making people laugh with you
instead of at you. So stop casting beautiful actresses when you should
be giving ugly women a chance. (Tina Fey always points out she looked
like a troglodyte when she was younger.) This also applies to handsome
men, by the way. Now argue amongst yourselves.”
To be fair, Finke called the article a “Live-snark” and warned in bold red print that it wasn’t intended for the “easily offended or ridiculously naive.” We’d like to point out that we are not offended by Finke’s comments… just sort of bored by them.
Congratulations on your self-proclaimed “snark,” Ms. Finke, but adding your voice to the “women aren’t funny” chorus isn’t exactly original or groundbreaking. In fact, even this summer, our beloved Joseph Gordon-Levitt said, “Let’s face it, most pretty girls aren’t funny,” while promoting “Looper” at Comic-Con. Good times, good times. Nothing new here.
“Hunger Games” actress Elizabeth Banks took aim at the comments in a blog post today, suggesting that Finke might do some good by supporting other women in the biz. Because even beautiful people can experience the “emotional pain and humiliation” that Finke apparently finds hilaaaaarious.
So just for fun, here are 10 funny women who probably have never had a bad hair day in their lives — and if they have, they probably wouldn’t classify it as “emotional pain and humiliation.” Since, you know, not everybody needs to live in hiding in a cave under a shroud armed with Photographer-B-Gone spray.
1. “Modern Family’s” Sofia Vergara. This is a woman who is not only beautiful, but perfectly happy to remind everyone of her beauty all the time. Sure, occasionally she’ll complain that she didn’t feel beautiful as a young woman, because she was very thin with large breasts (oh, the horror). And yet, she makes us laugh constantly. Heck, even last night Vergara split her Emmy dress moments before the “Modern Family” team won best comedy. Like, her entire butt was on display. Funny.
2. “Friends” Jennifer Aniston. Okay, so her movies recently haven’t exactly done gangbusters at the Box Office, but that doesn’t mean she didn’t have audiences eating out of the palm of her hand for 10 years on “Friends.” Aniston, with her flawless features and to-die-for hair, made Rachel Green a comedy icon.
3. “New Girl’s” Zooey Deschanel. With her huge blue eyes, porcelain skin, and tiny waist, Deschanel looks like she was the result of a mad scientist’s quest to create the most beautiful hipster dream girl the world has ever seen. On her FOX show, she proves that beauty and awkwardness are by no means mutually exclusive.
4. “Partners” Sophia Bush. CBS only greenlit one comedy this season, and Bush is the only female star in the cast. Her angsty “One Tree Hill” breakdowns proved that this beautiful woman is no stranger to Finke’s fave “emotional pain and humiliation,” but her fearlessness and impeccable timing on “Partners” proves that comedy doesn’t have to be wrapped in sadness and hurt.
5. “Glee’s” Lea Michele. Sure, people like to remark on Michele’s nose like it’s some hideous abnormality obscuring all of her features, but the reality is that the singer/actress is about as sexy as it gets. No one in their right mind would dare call this woman ugly, and she definitely hasn’t had any plastic surgery, but she has been nominated for a comedy Emmy, and she leads a show that rakes in 7 million viewers on a slow night.
6. “666 Park Avenue’s” Vanessa Williams. Oh, god, can someone please just give me some acid to pour over my eyes so I can shield myself from this hideous fashion model, former Miss America, and hilarious star of “Desperate Housewives” and “Ugly Betty”? It’s a wonder she even leaves the house, with a face like that.
7. “My Name is Earl’s” Jaime Pressly. Well, by age 14 Pressly was the spokeswoman for her modeling agency’s international model search… and she’s had a successful career in comedy since 1995… but maybe she had a pimple one time in high school that gave her that painful ugly past that’s so necessary for women if they want to amuse middle American TV viewers and Hollywood shut-ins.
8. “House of Lies'” Kristen Bell. Tiny, perky, blonde and button-nosed, Bell is basically the perfect sketch of the popular cheerleader who makes all the boys’ pupils go heart-shaped. She’s absolutely drop-dead undeniably physically stunning. And yet… somehow… she still manages to make us laugh all the time, whether it’s on her Showtime series or when she’s in the fetal position crying on her bed. Weird.
9. “Shameless'” Emmy Rossum. Smart, talented, beautiful… and, as is incredibly obvious to anyone who has seen more than five minutes of “Shameless,” totally LOL-worthy.
Rossum isn’t afraid to make herself look like an idiot for the sake of comedy, but through it all, she definitely never looks “like a troglodyte.”
10. “That ’70s Show’s” Mila Kunis. Having successfully parlayed her sitcom start into an A-list movie career — that, yes, includes genuinely funny comedies like “Ted” and “Friends With Benefits” — Kunis is about as successful as a 29-year-old comedienne could possibly get. And she’s certainly never been unattractive, even when she was wearing unflattering high-waisted bell-bottom jeans on a weekly basis. (Voicing the animated Meg on “Family Guy” doesn’t count.)
Or perhaps — gasp! Both of those things are true.
So, please, Ms. Finke, tell us again that beautiful women can’t be funny (unless, of course, their beauty came from plastic surgery).
Wanna know what we think isn’t funny? Boring live-“snarks” that serve only to tear people down. (Come on, you’re an entertainment journalist. You couldn’t come up with a less tired joke than “Who let James Van Der Beek out of witness protection? Katie Holmes?” Real sharp.) When you figure out what funny is, we’ll talk. Instead, we’re going to sit here and let Kristen Bell make us laugh.