“Liz & Dick,”
Lindsay Lohan‘s corny “comeback vehicle,” is so awful it makes the entire slate of Lifetime guilty-pleasure TV movies look like Masterpiece Theatre.
But if you’ve got a bottle of wine (or three), and a living room full of other people to share the laughs, the unintentionally hilarious biopic of Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton‘s tumultuous romance could be the perfect way to cap off your Thanksgiving weekend.
From director’s chairs on a dark soundstage (apparently from the acting afterlife), Liz (Lohan) and Dick (Grant Bowler) provide a confusingly creepy exposition, punctuating scenes of their decades-long love affair. Which, judging by this movie, was insipid, not sizzling, characterized by overwrought declarations like “I don’t need a pool — I’ve got a whole ocean in you.”
Or, from one of the star-crossed lovers’ many rows: “You look at me like you loathe me,” says Burton channeling a Basset hound. “I don’t loathe you,” responds Taylor. “I hate you!”
Hackneyed script aside, the only time Lindsay resembles the British-born Oscar winner is in the film’s stills. (“Liz & Dick” is pretty to look at; unfortunately, it’s accompanied by dialogue and a cheesy soundtrack reminiscent of “Hart to Hart.”) LiLo’s infinity-packs-a-day rasp is jarring, as are scenes that reference Taylor’s weight gain when played by the rail-thin redhead.
Producers say one reason they cast the troubled starlet as Taylor is their shared experiences as child actresses later hounded by the paparazzi — but that factors little in “Liz & Dick’s” storyline. It’s Burton, not Taylor, who’s portrayed as the really damaged character, tormented by his infidelities and tanking career. Shouldn’t they have focused their energies on hiring a couple with real chemistry?
Obviously not: Considering the massive publicity Lohan has generated for “Liz & Dick,” it will likely break audience records for Lifetime.
So go ahead and join ’em. You might hate yourself in the morning, but it might be the last time you see Lindsay Lohan in a scripted role.
“Liz & Dick” premieres Sunday, Nov. 25 at 9 p.m. on Lifetime.