The home Jenelle shared with deadbeat boyfriend Kieffer, aka her car, finally broke down, so mom Barbara lent her the money to buy a new one. (Which she promptly despoiled with her Ed Hardy seat cover.)
Great, now she can drive herself to jail! Because that’s where Jenelle is likely headed after smoking pot. Jenelle doesn’t share this news with her lawyer (who should attend a support group with Lindsay Lohan‘s attorney, Shawn Holley). Instead, she heads to Diagon Alley and buys a magic elixir that’s supposed to remove all evidence of marijuana from her system.
She must have drunk a bad batch, though, because she failed her drug test. The aftermath provided one of Jenelle’s most marvelous sound bites to date: “She’s violating me on Friday and I don’t know if I’m going to jail or not!”
In other words, her parole officer plans to report her violation, so Jenelle meets again with her lawyer to discuss her options. Like Amber Portwood, the original “Teen Mom” star now imprisoned for parole violation, Jenelle bafflingly seems more willing to go to jail than extend her parole. What’s a month behind bars compared to a year without pot?
And how much did she pay the resort rehab not to teach her basic coping skills to deal with life’s daily stressors?
Chelsea is turning 20, but seems like yesterday since she was unemployed, financially supported by her dad, struggling to earn her GED and begging baby daddy not to cheat on her. Oh wait, that was yesterday!
After a promising career at Year Round Brown, Chelsea finally had enough of earning minimum wage to clean people’s sweat off tanning beds. So she quit — without giving notice or having another job lined up. “This is where not having a GED will bite you,” remarks her disappointed but enabling papa, Randy.
He’s even more irritated when he notices the promise ring on Chelsea’s finger, a birthday gift from on-again boyfriend Adam. The romantic gesture, as Chelsea explains, means “no cheating” and his “promise not to, like, leave me again.”
But Chelsea insists in her baby voice that it’s her birthday, so daddy can’t be mad at her. Now let’s play pin the tail on the donkey!
Leah and her baby daddy, Corey, meet with their lah-yers to finalize the details of their divorce, and agree to a custody arrangement for their twin daughters. Afterward, she continues to blame him for the failure of their marriage, even though it was Leah’s admission that she cheated with her ex, Robbie, that finally drove him away.
Later on, she hears that Corey is dating again, so she hacks into his email account and finds flirty notes from another woman. Leah’s upset, but her tears aren’t enough to make her mascara run.
It’s summer, and Kailyn is single and lonely. Fortunately she has plenty of friends who are perfectly willing to pretend they don’t watch TV or the Internet to help with exposition for the cameras.
Sadly, her mom wants no part in Kailyn or her grandson’s life. They haven’t spoken in almost six months, so Kailyn calls. After getting her mom’s voicemail, she tries again later — only to find her mom has blocked her number. Ouch.
Kailyn needs consoling, but baby daddy Jo is a lost cause — he seems headed toward a serious romance with his music video vixen Vee. So instead, she reaches out to Jordan, the boyfriend she cheated on with Jo. (And kind of humiliated on the “Teen Mom 2” reunion.) When they meet in a park, Jordan jokes that although the two might not be on the same page when it comes to getting back together, they’re definitely in the same chapter. (A book metaphor on “Teen Mom”? Did that really happen?)
Next week, Jenelle is upset when her jail concert conflicts with her Ke$ha concert. #TeenMomProblems.