Just when we thought Season 3 of “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” couldn’t get more schizophrenic, we were treated to “Girls Gone Ojai’ld” — Part 2 of the retreat Kim Richards organized for the ladies.
Here are the highlights (and lowlights):
1. The episode begins in the tense aftermath of STFU-gate. The ladies are all stunned that Brandi Glanville, who drops F-bombs like badminton balls, would dare say such a thing to Adrienne Maloof. Did Adrienne deserve it? Maybe not, but despite her denials, she did seem to be gently mocking Kim and Brandi’s tearful moment. Kim leaves the table, and Brandi follows, where they rehash the infamous game night — when Kim and Kyle mean-girled newbie Brandi and she retaliated by suggesting Kim was smoking meth in the bathroom. (Does Kim’s alcoholism explain why she spent so much time closeted away from the party? Did she tap a keg in there?) Finally, at mother hen Lisa Vanderpump‘s urging, Brandi apologized — but only for using profanity.
2. Back at the table, Brandi reveals the great news that she got a book deal. Taylor Armstrong, whom Brandi slammed last season for exploiting her husband’s suicide with her own book, made a show of “taking deep breaths” and meditating. Oblivious Kim, who seems even zanier in her sobriety than when she was wasted, says she likes to meditate. Oblivious Yolanda, who apparently never watched “RHOBH” before (probably too consumed with organizing her produce by color), doesn’t understand why the women can’t be happy for each other and forget about their past animosities. Also: She’s not liquored up like most of the diners at the table, because it doesn’t mix well with her lamb stem-cell injections. This doesn’t surprise Taylor, who comments that if you can inject something in your body, Beverly Hills women will do it. She should know, as a garden slug has supplanted her upper lip.
3. The next morning the women’s hilarious adventures comprise a miserable game of badminton, a go-cart race (actually designer golf carts), communal mud bathing (in which Kim’s impression of self-stimulation sounds unpleasantly legit) and water fights. It’s all just free advertising for what this Ojai spa has to offer (and why they tolerated the women’s “Wild West” behavior).
4. For once, their evening meal is fireworks-free, although Camille later says she was just as uncomfortable as we were when the discussion turned to vaginal births versus C-sections. (She used a surrogate.) When the drinks start flowing, Yolanda and Kim say goodnight, and the rest of the crew demonstrated why the prim Mrs. Foster disapproves of drunk women so much. Their girly gymnastics, wrestling and squealing were just an encore of their antics in the spa and nothing we as viewers are remotely interested in.
5. As they all ride home in a Hummer, Kyle plays provocateur (probably at the producers’ urging) and rehashes STFU-gate. Nothing new is said, but the previews promise that their animosity amp up next week, when Adrienne’s then-husband, Paul Nassif, calls Brandi a b****. Profanity-gate redux!
Do you think Brandi deserves the title of Season 3 mean girl, or is she more F-bomb bark than bite? Is Adrienne as innocent as she claims?
“The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” airs Monday nights at 9 p.m. on Bravo.