This week, “The Bachelor” kicks off with Chris Harrison dropping by the Bachelorette Manse in a fetching eggplant-hued shirt. Very nice. Sean also has a nice shirt on — wait, no he doesn’t. ‘Cause why would Sean wear a shirt?
Cute little Selma gets the first solo date. Look at those dimples. She’s like Sandra-Bullock-in-Speed cute. As Sean arrives, he says he’s “had a connection with Selma since night one.” Just once, it’d be nice if the Bachelor would say, “Yeah, I’m not really feeling it with Betty, but she’s really smokin’, so I keep giving her a rose. Hopefully this date will let me know if we have absolutely anything in common other than thinking each other is hot.”
But they never say that. It’s a shame the main Bachelors or Bachelorettes don’t have a little more of a sense of humor about their experience. But probably there’s an ABC production assistant just off screen ready to taser them if they don’t toe the line.
Anyway, so Sean and Selma fly off in a plane to go rock climbing in the desert. Did she just say, “You take the Iraqi to the desert.” Ha! That was funny, Selma.
Sean keeps talking about snakes while the cameraman keeps showing a chipmunk. Like — if this turns into the Discovery Channel and that little chipmunk gets eaten by a snake, I am outta here.
Selma is not super crazy about rock climbing. She’s afraid of heights, you see. So naturally she is chosen for this date because that’s how this date works. Sean jokes he can strap Selma to his back and climb for both of them. We’re actually fairly surprised he doesn’t do that, King Kong and Fay Wray style.
But Selma finds her “power” or something and climbs that rock like a champ. It is pretty impressive, in all seriousness, but we’re just waiting for the “my rock” metaphor that this show is so fond of so that we can do a shot.
That night, they’re getting to know each other and the “kiss me” vibe is totally there, but then Selma talks about how she was raised Muslim and she can’t kiss a guy on national TV because her mom will freak. She’s understandably a little nervous.
She’s very open about it and Sean rolls with it. He says he respects her and then he kind of adorably sighs in frustration in a talking-head. It’ll be interesting to see how this plays out. But for now, Selma gets the rose.
Well, this show is just getting all up in the diversity this season, huh? Some racial diversity, some religious diversity, and a mental patient named Tierra [ba dump ching!].
Lindsay, Robyn, Jackie, Catherine, Amanda, AshLee, Sarah and Tierra are the girls on tap for the group date. It’s roller derby, which is outstanding. Frankly, we can’t believe they haven’t used this as a date for “The Bachelor” before now.
Our local roller derby team is called the Push-Up Brawlers. Awesome, right?
Tierra says she’s excited to knock some “biatches” down. But it turns out she doesn’t need to because they are falling down all on their own. Amanda has told the girls she does roller derby, which is a lie, but it intimidates the girls a little anyway. Not that they need to be intimidated because SERIOUSLY — it’s like they’ve never roller skated before.
And then in an uncomfortable segment, we have to watch Sarah fall down — the girl who doesn’t have the best balance and doesn’t have two arms to catch herself when she falls down, OH MY GOD. Seriously, she’s not incapable of roller skating or anything, but that’s a major consideration because you fall a lot (in roller derby at least) and you need to be able to catch yourself.
Tierra looks on, probably wondering how she can knock Sarah down and make it look like an accident. And then Amanda, who’s been talking a big game and skating like she’s had skates on before, biffs it and smacks her jaw on the ground, then is taken to the hospital for precautionary reasons.
Sean then cancels the roller derby and turns it into a free skate, which is fun. We love roller skating. The sound cue of “Foolish Hearts” is pretty good, but we’re kind of sad it wasn’t Richard Marx. He seems like the epitome of our roller skating parties growing up.
That night, Sean reassures Sarah that she rocked it that day and that she shouldn’t be embarrassed. Meanwhile, Tierra is ready to cut someone because she’s been on so many group dates. She really is just ready to smash a wine glass on the table and cut somebody with the shards.
Amanda reappears and seems to be OK. Her scheming is certainly OK, as she’s ready to play the sympathy card for all it’s worth. It only nets her a kiss on the jaw, though, so clearly Sean isn’t that into her, since he seems to have no qualms about making out with every girl there.
Meanwhile, Robyn purposely excludes Tierra from the conversation in order to get a rise out of her, which Tierra absolutely recognizes — but she totally rises to the bait. And it sets off a weird meltdown where she says she doesn’t trust anybody and she’s ready to leave, so she approaches a producer and just declares that she’s done and ready to go.
Sean is molar-deep in … Lindsay? Was that Lindsay? Sean’s molar-deep in somebody and Tierra is crying great big crocodile tears and talking about how she can’t take this torture and she’s breaking down inside and WAHHHHH WAHHHHH. It’s absolutely ridiculous.
Tierra manages to wrangle Sean away from Lindsay and cries about living with all these women — “it’s seriously torture.” Um, was she not aware of how this show works? Suck it up, lady.
The problem is that Tierra is just incredibly immature. She is 24, which is young for this show even, but she also seems to have the emotional maturity of a 15-year-old. She has no idea how to behave around the other women, she only knows how to manipulate Sean, rather than relate to him in a real way. She just has a lot of growing up to do, or some kind of weird daddy-figure husband who is going to bend to her every whim and take care of her her whole life.
Case in point: As Sean walks away (to get the rose for Tierra), she smirks and cocks an eyebrow at the camera. Seriously, sweetie, that’s not a win for you. The fact that you think it is, is so sad and speaks volumes about you as a person. This whole thing just makes you look pathetic.
The other women, especially Robyn, are really fed up with her antics. Something tells us this will not end well for Robyn.
Leslie H.’s Date
The last solo date is for Leslie, complete with some gorgeous earrings to wear. She compares it to “Pretty Woman,” which is great and all — but we all remember that movie is about a prostitute, right? Like, a Sunset Boulevard ‘ho? Out of all the fairytale stories to swoon over, we aren’t sure that one should be right up there because before you get swept away by the prince, you have sex for money.
Anyway, they take off in a fancy car for a Beverly Hills shopping spree. “Pretty Woman” comes up and Sean describes it as “Richard Gere treats Julia Roberts to whatever she wants.” The “so she can clean up nice because he’s paying her to stay with him for the week and she only has ‘ho clothes to wear” is left unsaid.
She tries on several dresses and Sean goes for a gray dress with a fugly giant bow on front. Sorry, but that brown gown she tried on first was way more flattering. Anyway, what “Bachelor” date would be complete without a trip to Neil Lane jewelers? Leslie gets a 120-carat diamond choker to complete the outfit.
Leslie then says, “Sean took control and has made me feel more like a woman than ever in my
life.” This is what makes you feel like a woman? Really? It’s fun and all, but … hmm. Something about that comment rubs us the wrong way. Maybe we’re reading too much in and Leslie just isn’t used to being so glam and it’s really fun for her? What do you guys think?
That night, they start with past relationships and it’s fine, but it’s palpable that Sean just isn’t feeling it. He likes her, but he doesn’t like-like her. She seems like a great girl, hopefully they’ll stay friends after the show. Because we don’t like her chances of staying.
And then, yeah, she doesn’t get the rose. Hilariously, Ben Taylor (the private concert) plays a song anyway while Sean walks around despondently and Leslie cries in the limo. Hahahah. Sorry, but that’s some great editing. And it is followed up by the infamous rose-falls-to-the-ground shot from the “this season on ‘The Bachelor'” montage from the premiere. Drats! We thought for sure that was when somebody finally keeled over from a broken heart.
The Cocktail Party
Robyn lays one on Sean during some one-on-one time and then loses her mind in a talking-head interview. Whoa. Down girl. Speaking of Robyn, the fireworks are starting. Tierra is saying that Robyn “attacked” her for no reason on the group date. Only a little girl would see that as an attack. She also thinks someone is going to smash her over the head with a hammer? It’s really unclear what her incoherent ramblings mean.
So Tierra takes Robyn and Jackie aside to “apologize,” but it’s that old trick of mealy-mouthed apologies in order to jump on the person you’re supposedly apologizing to. Classic manipulation technique. But they all make nice and then part ways with ugly sneers on their faces, as Tierra hilariously and ironically talks about how she’s too much of a woman to let high school petty stuff get in her way. *headsmack*
Tierra then takes some alone time with Sean and the girl who played up her fall down the stairs talks about how she’s totally not drama person. No, not at all. Nope. There’s also some BS about being guarded — whatever that means. She’s also playing defense, warning him that she’s worried the other girls will say bad things about her. Siiiiiigh.
She then says to Sean, “Keeping my eyyyyyye on the priiiiize.” Uh, that should be a huge red flag, dude.
The Rose Ceremony
We predict Daniella and Amanda are on the way out. Just don’t see it with them. Tierra and Selma already have roses, the rest go to: Catherine, Desiree, Lindsay, Lesley, Robyn, AshLee, Sarah, Jackie and Daniella. Ooh, only one girl is going home. Got it. So Amanda’s on the outs. Guess she picked a bad night to go goth. Not really, but that lipstick is doing her no favors.
Next week: A two-day “Bachelor” event?! Who’s excited?!?! Wait, was somebody blindfolded? We thought the “Fifty Shades of Grey” girl went home. Also, Robyn is going all VH1 on us. And Tierra the sociopath puts herself in danger again for more attention.