Or something like that. It’s “Diva” week on “Glee,” so there definitely was some sassy, some sparkle and a whole lot of what Santana euphemistically calls “brutal honesty.” Taking a cue from these divas, I will thus be brutally honest in my recap.
Unleash the diva!
Emma (Jayma Mays) and Finn (Cory Monteith) decide that New Directions needs a diva-off in order to prepare for Regionals. This makes the girls and Blaine (Darren Criss) and Wade (Alex Newell) very happy, and they immediately burst into song.
Regardless of the actual outcome in the diva competition (see below), who is your pick for the New Directions top diva? Feel free to use these pictures to influence your decision. After all, costumes play as much of a role in diva-dom as the singing and attitude.
The continuing, uncomfortable tale of Tina and Blaine
Yes, Tina (Jenna Ushkowitz) is still obsessed with Blaine. No, we still don’t know where that came from. At least we can give the girl credit for aesthetic taste: Even with a cold, Blaine is awfully cute. Tina is also cute, initially, giving Blaine cold remedies and asking him for advice.
Then it gets less cute. The pair hang out in Blaine’s room so Tina can pick a diva song. Once there, Blaine immediately passes out from cold medicine, leaving Tina alone with her self-hating crush and inappropriate actions.
After pointing out that gay men and Asian women go sexless all the time (“Glee”: Introducing us to stereotypes we didn’t know existed since 2009!), Tina straddles the unconscious Blaine and rubs Vick’s on his chest in a disturbingly sexual way.
If the gender roles were reversed here, would this be considered a sexual assault? Might be…
But Tina goes no further and is nothing but frustrated when she sees Blaine the next day. This sparks Tina’s diva (who wears a hot pink leotard), giving us an epic performance involving backup dancers and a boom box.
Needless to say, Tina wins the diva award — which comes with confetti, a trophy and being Blaine’s date to the wedding.
WARNING: Controversial statement ahead.
Sure, it’s delusional for Tina to expect Blaine to suddenly be into girls. At least, it would be delusional in the real world. But this isn’t the real world — it’s the “Glee” world. This is a world in which characters switch sexual orientation almost as quickly and easily as they change costumes.
Why shouldn’t Blaine do the same? Is it because he’s a gay man instead of a gay woman?
Whatever. Back to the recap.
Santana vs. Sam… And herself
As Finn rightly points out, most of the real McKinley divas have graduated. But this week, one of them is back.
Because Santana’s got nothing better to do than sing in a high school choir room — and because Naya Rivera is one of the best performers ever to appear on the “Glee” queen — the show brings back its prime diva for a few performances in “Diva.”
Seriously, you don’t need an M&Ms commercial to know that this girl is a star.
Santana is also back to break up Brittany (Heather Morris) and Sam (Chord Overstreet). Her main weapon is, naturally, song. She and Sam sing for Brittany’s heart — as you do — but it is all for naught.
While Santana wins the singing (duh) while Sam wins the Brittany.
Brittany actually gives the best reason ever for her choice: He makes her feel smart. I can totally believe that. Santana doesn’t though. It’s only when Brittany tells Santana to follow her dreams in New York that she can move on.
She sings a bit and then heads off to the Big Apple to live with Kurt and Rachel in what may soon be the b*tchiest apartment in Brooklyn.
Why is the apartment so diva-ish these days?
The first rule of musical fight club is…
If only we didn’t talk about it… Technically, the one we don’t want to talk about it is Rachel (Lea Michele). That’s because she has turned into a diva since her big blow-out at the winter showcase. This irritates Kurt (Chris Colfer), who quite rightly doesn’t want to make her tea or put up with her annoyances.
And OMG continuity! Remember that time when Kurt through the “Defying Gravity” competition against Rachel in order to keep his dad happy? Well “Glee” does too. Color me impressed, “Glee”!
Anyway, this revelation leads Rachel and Kurt to Midnight Madness, NYADA’s version of fight club. Except that they sing instead of punching each other in the face. Same result, less blood. In this to-the-death match-up, Kurt and Rachel both sing “Let Him Live” from “Les Miserables.”
Both are pretty good. I personally think it’s more a Rachel song (unlike “Defying Gravity,” which really was one of the best performances Kurt has ever given on “Glee”). But the jazz hands make the decision and Kurt wins!
Thanks to her loss, Rachel rediscovers humility and order is restored to the universe. At least until Santana moves in.
Totally unnecessary and vaguely irritating plot twist
You would think that an absent groom and an OCD bride would be enough drama for “Glee.” Nope. The show thinks we need more than that. Now, we’ve got Finn randomly and foolishly having a crush on Emma.
Why does Finn have a crush on Emma? Is it because of their deep soul connection? Their shared interests? Their obvious compatibility?
If you answered “none of the above,” you’re right. Apparently, Finn falls for Emma because they both like white centerpieces. When Emma freaks out, Finn follows up on this sudden and inexplicable attraction with a kiss. Seriously, that is not going to help her OCD issues.
Funny things they say instead of sing
- “This Sarah Brightman in training needs to be knocked down a few pegs. And I’m the one to do it.” — Kurt
- “And that is how I made the manager cry at the Cheesecake Factory.” — Emma
- “I had just left a comment on my favorite ‘Rizzoli & Isles’ subtext blog when I heard the news.” — Santana
- “She’s like 26!” — Finn (played by a 30-year-old)
- “I didn’t even have to lie out a line of cereal for you to find me.” — Santana to Sam
- “He’s like a precious ‘Tiger Beat’ shrinky-dink!” — Tina on Blaine
- “Blaine, I’m falling in love with you.” — Tina
- “Don’t any of you have jobs? You have to have some source of income so you can pay the staff of scientists who serve as your teleporters that you all clearly own since you’re constantly showing up here.” — Sue, speaking the truth
- “Everybody thought I was being a b*tch when all I was being was brutally honest with everyone.” — Santana
- “She never wins anything!” — Brittany on Tina
- “He makes me feel really smart and think about things like where air comes from and how come in every movie about Jesus, he dies at the end.” — Brittany
What did you think of “Diva”? Is the Finn-Emma thing too much? Do Tina’s actions constitute assault? Share your thoughts in the comments section!