So what happens next? If you guessed “Indian marriage convention,” then congratulations — you are far more perceptive than most. That, or you’re far more in-tune with the insanity that is “New Girl.” Because an Indian marriage convention is exactly what we get in “Table 34.”
The road to “Table 34″
We can guess why procreation-obsessed Cece (Hannah Simone) would be at the convention. After all, she wants to find a good, stable husband to father her children ASAP. She’s the easy one. As for the others…
- Jess: Of course Cece is the first to know about the kiss between Jess (Zooey Deschanel) and Nick (Jake Johnson). And because Jess chooses to obsess about said kiss (and rightly so), Cece brings her friend along to the convention.
- Schmidt: He finds out that Cece would be there. And where Cece goes, Schmidt (Max Greenfield) follows. In a turban.
- Nick and Winston: Why not? Nothing better is going on. Also, Winston (Lamorne Morris) wants to take Nick’s mind off the kissing thing.
Once there, everybody has to take part in the mating festivities. It is every bit as uncomfortable as you would expect. The day is especially bad for Cece — she actually wants to get something out of this, and all the poor girl gets is her friends’ drama and a seat at the lowly Table 34 (reserved for over-30s with no advanced degrees and only part-time work).
Also, Winston gets hit on repeatedly by the woman in charge of the convention. He’s just that sexy.
Feelings expressed in perfect tables, moon-walking and fistfights
When Nick gets uncomfortable, he moon-walks. Obviously. Alas, he can’t moon-walk away from the situation with Jess.
Both roommates obviously got something out of that kiss. And yet neither of them will admit it. Not even a perfectly made paper table at the convention (it was a bonding thing) can convince them otherwise.
Then Jess tells Sam (David Walton) what had happened. The doctor boyfriend does not, needless to say, take it very well. In fact, he kind of punches Nick in the face.
The punch does the trick. While Jess tries to drown her sorrows in Taylor Swift, Nick funny-dances to cheer her up. Neither is entirely happy with the situation, but at least they can have awkward hugs now!
Schmidt wins a girl by setting her up with a bunch of guys
Schmidt is not a good speed-dater. This is probably because he just wants to date Cece and not the perfectly nice and horribly disappointed young lady across from him.
No one else, however, seems to be paying Cece any attention. That is, she gets no attention until Schmidt directs attention her way by calling out all of India on the foolishness of ignoring such a wonderful woman. In no time at all, Cece is surrounded by handsome men.
And, when next we see her, she is falling into Schmidt’s bed. In her mind anyway, this is merely gratitude for all those great phone numbers. Yeah right. Next, “New Girl” will want us to believe that Jess and Nick’s kiss actually didn’t mean anything.
In their own funny words
- “I literally haven’t said a word for like over an hour.” — Cece to Jess
- “It was like Scarlett O’Hara in that freakin’ curtain dress.” — Jess on the kiss
- “Nick is the type of guy who breaks things… He breaks things!” — Jess
- “You look like the fortune teller in ‘Big.’” — Winston to Schmidt
- “You look like a character from ‘The Love Guru.’” — Cece to Schmidt
- “You named your testicles and they’re both named Sherry.” — Winston to Nick
- “I’m a squirrel. You’re a nut. Winter’s coming. I wanna store you in my cheek, girl!” — Schmidt to Cece
- “Why did our sex always end with ‘Blammo! That happened!” — Cece
- “I was the girl he was throwing strawberries at in slow motion.” — Cece’s greatest life achievement
- “This is a weird date. I always thought we’d go bowling before we went to an Indian marriage convention.” — Sam
- “I’ll tell you what’s not made out of paper — your ass.” — Convention host to Winston
- “I’m a man, Jessica! Pink robes are my catnip.” — Nick
- “I’ll Calcutta a bitch!” — Schmidt
- “Is there another doctor in the house?” — Nick after Sam hurts him
- “Get your crap together, India! Schmidt, out!” — Schmidt
- “I just wanted to listen to Taylor Swift alone!” — Jess
- “I’ve never been a home-wrecker. And I liked it! I mean, Sam was threatened by me!” — Nick
- “He always wanted to fist-bump in the morning!” — Jess on why the Sam relationship didn’t work
- “I’m still going to marry an Indian guy!” — Cece, “Yeah, but you went home with a Jew in a turban.” — Schmidt