It’s the second two-hour “Bachelor” episode in as many nights, and this one promises to be drama-rama. How many times can we see that shot of a shivering Tierra with mascara running down her face?
Sean is pensively gazing out at the Canadian Rockies, because he’s not sure if his wife is in the group anymore because of all the drama. Well, then we’re sure this episode will make him feel better.
As the girls walk into the chateau, Lesley says the place “screams romance,” which is kind of an awesome oxymoron. Popping into our head is a vision of Tierra’s crazy-eyes face shrieking, “ROMANCE!” at the top of her lungs.
As they read the date card, it is rather striking how trashy Daniella’s hair is looking. Girlfriend, do they not let you bring color to touch that up? Surely if Tierra can sneak off to crash the group date, you can sneak off to a CVS or something.
And then there’s a blizzard and they have to vote on which girl to eat. Or … Catherine is dropped off on a glacier and runs into Kasey Kahl, still wandering around on that glacier. Or … she gets run over by a Zamboni. Seriously, what is happening right now?
OK, so Catherine gets picked up by Sean driving a snow bus and they’re going to play on a glacier. But that was the weirdest intro to that date, right? And then they attempt to go sledding in this absolutely wretched weather, but Catherine is a good sport about it and Sean loves it.
That night, you’d think they’d do something inside where it’s warm, but no. Horse-drawn carriage ride to an ice castle. Neither of them makes a reference to a blind figure skater or says, “Please, don’t let this feeling end,” which would’ve scored major bonus points from this recapper.
Later, Catherine opens up about being at camp when she was 12 and how a girl was killed on a hike right in front of her and it made her realize really early what’s important to her. OK, we’re not disputing her story or acting like it’s not sad (because that was awful), but doesn’t it seem like every girl has some sob story that they save up for their first solo date? It’s like fun romp, sad story, get rose. Lather, rinse, repeat.
It’s starting to feel like “Queen for a Day,” where housewives had to talk about whose life was the saddest in order to win a dishwasher or whatever. At this point, a bachelorette would have to whip out something way more tragic to get our tears going. So desensitized, we are.
But I digress. Of course Catherine gets the rose. I do have to say — she is maybe the most natural beauty of the group. She’s not perfect looking and it makes her way more beautiful than some of the girls who are “perfect.” She’s just very striking in an unassuming way, which hardly makes any sense, but hopefully some of you know what I mean.
And they make out.
Tierra, Sarah, AshLee, Lindsay, Selma, Lesley and Daniella get the group date, leaving Desiree on her second solo date before Tierra or Daniella get one-on-ones. Daniella cries some more. Hey girl, Sean’s not there right now — that won’t get you a rose.
The canoeing was so successful last group date that they’ve decided to do it again. Lesley jumps in with Sean and then just lets him do all the work like a big punk. Seriously, that’s pretty weak. The girl with one arm is doing her best and you’re acting like you’re on vacation. We’re with Selma — shark! Shark! Shark! Though then Selma weirdly laughs like she just had a stroke.
Once they get to the other side of the lake, it’s time for the polar bear plunge. That is awesome. What an adventure. I would freak out, but then totally do it and be glad later that I did.
Selma is freaking out and says she isn’t going to do it. But it looks like everyone else is on board. So Sean and the girls head for the water in their swimsuits. Everybody does it, then runs back to their robes. Good for them.
Everybody is super pumped and proud of themselves, until the fun is ruined by Tierra clutching at the lifeguard and acting like she can’t breathe. The ninny was running around in her bikini, no robe, and letting her shiny blanket just flap in the breeze — what did you expect, silly? The EMTs have to carry her inside and — nope. Sorry. Don’t buy it. Seems like a total ploy for attention.
The EMT asks her what day it is and she goes, “Nuh uh.” *eyeroll*
Then Desiree and Catherine get there and you’ll notice how Desiree cites her mascara running and Catherine calls her “disheveled.” Not exactly life or death, that adjective.
Tierra also says they “had” to jump in that glacier, like somebody had a gun to their heads. Also, why is everybody else in such good shape and so excited about their polar bear plunge? Tierra sucks.
But she diligently puts on her oxygen tube and bats her eyes at Sean and he laps it up like the simpleton that he is. He actually says, “Bless your heart.” Siiiiiiiigh. And she creepily says, “This guy better marry me.” Maybe you should tell him how you called him “daddy” to your dog like the psycho stalker that you are.
That night, the party is so relaxed because A) everybody’s still so excited about what they did and B) Tierra’s not there. In fact, there really isn’t much to comment on. Everybody just has a nice time.
But wait! Tierra is “powering through” her pain to show up to the group date party. Of course she is.
The girls are so annoyed to see her show up, while Sean seems just happy as a clam. Lindsay rightly points out to the other girls that she’s way too young to get married and start a family. Lindsay doesn’t say she means emotional maturity, but that’s what it is. Tierra is a little girl and the rest of the contestants are women.
Case in point — Tierra thinks she’s put up with a lot of “s***” and that it’s not fair that she doesn’t get the rose (which goes to Lesley). She’s a delusional egomaniac, folks.
Later, Sean is struggling with sending a girl home early because he just doesn’t see a future with her. My money’s on Sarah. He saw her family pictures and it made him realize she’s not the one for him.
And I’m right! Awww, poor Sarah. Sean’s super nice about it and she takes it like a champ, though she’s upset. It’s like the healthiest dumping this show has ever put on.
However, after Sean leaves so she can say goodbye to the girls, she cries and says she’s so embarrassed. Oh no! Don’t be embarrassed, you were one of the sweetest girls and you did nothing embarrassing.
The girls are totally shocked and seem genuinely sad that she’s upset and going home. In an interview, she cries about how every guy tells her the same thing — she’s so amazing, she’s going to find a wonderful guy, but their connection just isn’t there. Yeah, that sucks. Poor girl.
This is actually pretty upsetting. She seems like such a sweet girl and you know she wonders if it’s because of her arm. Oh, you’re too good for this show, sweetie. You’ll find somebody.
They’re going rappelling, which can definitely be scary but let’s not act like you might plunge to your death. Let’s leave those theatrics to Tierra. Besides, rappelling is really fun. Plus, it lets Sean talk about taking the plunge and committing to something. Literal metaphor, everybody drink!
In a jaw-dropping turn of events, nobody falls and dies. The picnic goes off without a hitch, it’s actually pretty boring. Until Desiree challenges Sean to a tre
e-climbing contest and — did Sean actually say he’s a good tree-climber because he’s a boy? Hmph. At least Desiree puts her money where her mouth is and climbs just as high as he does, though they really missed out on a funny moment by not shouting “O, Canada.”
That night, their romantic spot is a teepee with a fire, it’s pretty cozy. These two seem really comfortable together, I definitely think she’s a frontrunner. She also seems like a genuinely cool girl. I’d be OK with her as the next Bachelorette, if she doesn’t win this.
It’s nice to hear her talk about growing up without money and how she rolled with that as a kid and it made her just want a house full of love, but you can’t say “that’s why I’m so humble.” That right there is what we call a literal humble brag, sweetie.
She then talks about wanting a partner who is a best friend, but also assertive and can take care of his family, which is just what Sean wants to hear because you know he fancies himself the big provider/protector. And I don’t say that as a pejorative, necessarily. Just pointing out that that is exactly what he wants to hear, even if she sincerely means it.
She gets the rose and Sean talking-heads that he can see himself proposing to her. Fingers crossed, ’cause so far she’s our favorite (along with Catherine).
The Cocktail Party
Tierra’s pouting because she doesn’t have a rose yet, but she lights up when Sean gets there. Speaking of Sean, he looks very dapper in a three-piece grey suit with a brown tie. Seriously, that is a sharp-dressed man right there.
Selma gets some alone time and she has decided she has to kiss Sean because she didn’t do the polar bear plunge. So …. she’s sacrificing her cultural values and perhaps shaming her family because she didn’t participate in the group excitement? That would actually be a huge turn OFF for me if I were Sean.
To her credit, it’s a very chaste kiss. But yeah, if that kiss was “necessary” because you didn’t do the polar bear plunge, then perhaps you aren’t on as firm of ground with Sean as you think you are. She should’ve done the polar bear plunge just to do it, but she shouldn’t have to make up for it by breaking her kissing rule.
Speaking of kissing rules, Lindsay tries to get through some alone time with Sean without kissing him (because that’s like ALL they have in common) and they can’t do it. It kind of reminds me of Sean and Emily — all they do is make out. That technically counts as “feelings,” but probably not the important ones.
Then AshLee gets in on the metaphor action, comparing the polar bear plunge to falling in love. Drink twice ’cause she actually identifies it as a metaphor. Then drink again because she creates another metaphor by having him blindfold her. Um, didn’t the “Fifty Shades” girl go home?
He ends up picking her up and she’s like crying? Hmmm. She also talks about how she has to control things because of her abandonment issues. Not to diminish her issues of abandonment, but perhaps that has more to do with your OCD — AshLee is a personal organizer, after all.
She then waxes poetic about a mountain and how Sean was on the other side of the mountain she moved? AshLee is weird.
The Rose Ceremony
Daniella is totally going home. The other one? No idea. The roses go to Lesley, Catherine, Desiree (already had) and — wait, does Tierra have a long fur oval around her neck? What is that? How tacky, even if it’s fake.
Anyway, the roses go to Lindsay, AshLee and … Tierra. So Daniella (obviously) and Selma. Ouch. See — if you had to smooch him to make up for the polar bear thing, you weren’t as tight as you thought. Also, you should’ve just done the polar bear plunge. And also, way to shame your family for a guy who just dumped you.
Next week: St. Croix! Lots of kissing, and AshLee ratting out Tierra, then Tierra having a big old fake crying fit, which Sean continues to lap up. Gross.