I could recap this episode in great detail. But there is nothing that I could write that would be better than what “New Girl” already said. Instead, you’re going to get a summary and a whole bunch of quotes from “Bachelorette Party.”
It turns out that Cece (Hannah Simone) and Shivrang’s (Satya Bhabha) wedding is only three weeks away, so Jess (Zooey Deschanel) plans a bachelorette party for her best friend. This is a) because Cece has wanted a crazy party since childhood and b) because Cece has not yet asked Jess to be her maid of honor.
In order to pull this off, the guys have to kidnap Shivrang and spirit him away for the night. Winston (Lamorne Morris) takes the term “kidnapping” far too seriously. Nick (Jake Johnson) does his duty, but he does it in a bright yellow track suit, claiming “dead dad” as an excuse for that and everything else. Schmidt (Max Greenfield), meanwhile, goes on a quest to find a plus-one. Instead he finds possible love in the ample arms of his college girlfriend, Elizabeth (Merritt Wever).
Back at the bachelorette party, things get off to a rotten start when Shivrang’s aunt tags along and is properly shocked at everything. But that’s just the beginning — Cece hasn’t yet seen Shivrang naked and the party refuses to let this pass.
Jess tells Nick to get a photo of Shivrang’s penis for comparative purposes. He fails, but a photo of Nick’s junk gets sent instead. Everyone (proper aunt included) admires Nick’s manhood.
After Winston sets a fire in the men’s room, the guys face the music at the party. Cece and Shivrang make up, pointing out that the blind leap of faith into their marriage makes it more special.
Then, only a short time after a shouting match, Cece asks Jess to be her maid of honor.
How they said it all better
“Oh my God! What is that?!” — Jess to Nick
“You look like a homeless pencil.” — Schmidt to Nick
“Nick, that is just not tap!” — Jess
“My dad died!” — Nick
“Oil up or get out, guys!” — Jess
“Roughhouse him a little bit, take him out to the desert so he don’t breathe no more?” — Winston’s plan to kidnap Shivrang
“Just think — when all of this madness is over, you and I will finally get to… tk-tk pop.” — Shivrang, making strange noises to denote sex
“I’m Gerard Depardieu! Who do you think I am, lady? Schmidt!” — Schmidt
“You can look. Don’t touch.” — Jess to Sadie
“Nick, sorry. I thought you were Jane Lynch.” — Shivrang
“There’s a very sexually aggressive message on the mirror. And I apologize for that.” — Jess
“I haven’t seen Shivrang’s penis.” — Cece
“It’s that small?” — Model
“If we’re all really honest with ourselves, isn’t it all about the gonads?” — Jess
“Cece, what if it looks like an old carrot? What if it’s curly?” — Sadie on Shivrang’s hypothetical penis
“I need a picture of Shivrang’s penis… And I need it to scale, so please put a nickel or a thumb or a golf pencil in there.” — Jess
“Well, spoiler alert: Women are liars!” — Schmidt
“Your country’s refusal to embrace Robbie Williams will forever baffle me.” — Shivrang
“I don’t need to take relationship advice from a girl who’s in a 7th-grade debacle with the boy across the hall! ‘Oh, I’m a single adult and I kissed another single adult… What’s gonna happen? Does Nick like me? I better pick out a party dress. I wear pajama sets!'” — Cece
“You question my pajamas, you make question my entire friendship!” — Jess
“I can’t take you seriously when you’re wearing such tight pants.” — Elizabeth to Schmidt
“Hello Jew.” — Nadia
“What’s up, Nadia?” — Schmidt
“If it run, I catch it!” — Nadia on Shivrang’s penis
“I don’t know how to pronounce your name?!” — Cece