Would we have expected Jess and Nick to ever stop thinking and just start doing before this episode? Probably not, but that’s part of what made “Virgins” yet another nearly perfect installment of “New Girl.”
There’s a first time for everyone.
Since everyone in the loft apparently had plenty of time to kill during this episode, storytelling commenced. And what stories! Inspired by Jess (Zooey Deschanel) planning to meet her “first” for drinks, everyone got to tell about how he or she lost their virginity.
Some of the stories were wondrous. Some … Well, some were as awful as the characters believed.
Ranking the first-time stories
From best to worst, here’s how each virginity-loss story compared:
1. Cece (Hannah Simone) — She was a high school senior with booze, charming the socks off a bartender and then Mick Jagger wandered past. Of course this would be Cece’s story. And of course she would want to tell it.
2. Nick (Jake Johnson) — A sweet and simple first time in the woods is a pretty normal story. Even though Nick could have done so very much worse with Miss Octopussy.
3. Schmidt (Max Greenfield) — There may be nothing more insanely laugh-producing than Schmidt’s first sexual experience. So. Much. Lubricant.
4. Jess — So Jess’ first-time story took place over the course of years and involved three different guys. Four, actually, if you count the dead man on the bench at the mini-golf course. Still, the end result (after getting stuck in the mini-golf castle with an unfortunate Dylan O’Brien) was nothing short of a romance novel.
5. Winston (Lamorne Morris) — While the initial virginity loss may not have been so bad for Winston — he did have 10 beautiful seconds, after all — the realization that Mysteria was most definitely a prostitute may have tainted the memory just a bit.
Oh, and that one other thing …
Woo! They did it!
After an awful lot of false starts, Jess and Nick finally got around to doing the deed. Sexy times for roommates! All it took was a bunch of bad sex stories and Nick remembering his dad’s advice to do fun things without thinking.
What comes after an unexpected night of passion? We have two more episodes of “New Girl” Season 2 left to find out.
So many fun “New Girl” quotes!
While it’s sometimes tempting just to transcribe the entirety of the episode, here are some of the best quotes from “Virgins.”
“Teddy took my flower.” — Jess
“Teddy stole a flower from you and you want to have drinks with him?” — Nick
“He and I were the founding members of the gender equality society.” — Jess on her prom date
“A tuxedo is different from a suit.” — Schmidt
“It is?” — Nick
“I’m like, what is ‘prom’ short for?” — Jess
“I think it’s ‘promenade.'” — Not Teddy
“David Foster Wallace, where is the sex?” — Schmidt
“Cece, that is not an embarrassing story.” — Winston
“Yeah, I just like telling it.” — Cece
“I got some lubricant. It’s to use on a woman. To increase her pleasure.” — Fat Schmidt
“Back in high school, they used to call me ‘the sex haver.'” — Schmidt
“I realized the troll at the end of my bed was pretty upset about it.” — Nick
“My arm was a magnet and the walls were magnetic. What about that do you not understand?” — Nick
“Stop moving so much — you’re too slippery!” — Elizabeth to Schmidt during sex
“You lost your virginity to prostitutes?!” — Jess
“No, they were business ladies!” — Winston
“Very interesting.” — Nick, on his first experience with alcohol
“Aren’t you a virgin too?” — Mysteria
“Only my penis, baby.” — Winston
“So Mysteria and I made love for 10 beautiful seconds … ” — Winston
“I’m sorry, Dad. I couldn’t make love to Miss Octopussy tonight.” — Nick
“I just want to make sure you don’t miss out on the things in life that happen when you’re not thinking. Because believe you me, those are the best things.” — Nick’s dad
“My story involves … murder.” — Jess, on losing her virginity
“Was Mysteria really her real name?” — Winston, making a stunning realization
“I can’t rent my first car as a virgin. They’ll know.” — Jess
“Do you like DVDs? Do you sell cookies? Not a cookie bar.” — Fat Schmidt’s pick-up lines
“I think I might be gay!” — Not Teddy
“I’m sick of firemen always winning!” — Schmidt
“Let’s not think about it.” — Nick to Jess
“Ruh-roh!” — Jess