The Olympic swimmer may have a compelling narrative — a friendship and rivalry with Michael Phelps, a mother who may have been a little over-involved in his love life — but he’s got some, uh… issues with communicating that narrative.
Basically, he’s just not very smart. And that’s an understatement. The first episode of “What Would Ryan Lochte Do” showed him partying with his pals, giving his brother (and roommate) a hard time, bowling with his family, and taking some pour soul on a date to a sushi restaurant, where he accomplished the impossible task of making her look less intelligent than he is.
We saw him sit down with his sisters to watch his favorite movie, “What Women Want.” We watched him detail his brother’s car (he lost a bet) while wearing a t-shirt with “LISTEN TO RYAN LOCHTE” printed on the front.
“What does douchebag even mean?” he asks at one point. We thought he might be questioning the label that the American public slapped on him since he wore his bedazzled grill at the Olympic Games, waxing philosophical about our country’s tendency to vilify our heroes. We were wrong. “No, really, I don’t know what it actually is.”
Basically, the show is a half hour of gratuitous shirtless Speedo shots, punctuated by horrifying moments of excruciating secondhand embarrassment. Lochte isn’t smart enough to be embarrassed by his own antics, so E! gave him a television show so that America could be embarrassed for him.
He doesn’t even know how many Olympic medals he’s won. For the record, it’s eleven. It’s not that high a number to count to.
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