“Barcelona, here I am!” proclaims “Bachelorette” Desiree, as she wanders around the churches and talks about how fully invested she is in her (eight) men.
The guys are still stewing about James already having his eye on the “Bachelor” prize, which infuriates Mikey and Drew and whoever else. Mostly those two. Also, Chris Harrison informs them there is no cocktail party this week before the Rose Ceremony, so they gotta get their time in beforehand.
They’re building a foundation for love — hopefully that means some actual masonry, that’d be funny. But to kick things off, Drew just wants to get with the smooching, which Dez likes. We’ve all seen how impatient she gets with those slow-moving fellas.
The serious story of the week is about Drew and his father, who is a recovering alcoholic. They have a good relationship now that he’s gotten clean and whatnot, so that’s cool. He gets choked up, which seems sincere, and Desiree eats it up, of course. Because how could you not?
But to add insult to injury, Drew’s dad has cancer. Yikes. Drew says that not very many people know he has cancer — well, now they do. Hope dad was OK with you spilling the beans.
As they wander the streets at night, Dez says Barcelona brings out her “emotional, artistic side,” but what she really means is that it gets their juices flowing because during dinner, Drew takes her off down an alley and makes out with her up against a wall. The cameramen are caught off guard and Dez is seeing stars, which makes it hard to put out the fire in her panties.
He gets a rose, but then uses that moment to tell her about James. He tells her about overhearing James and Mikey’s conversation and James having designs on being the Bachelor. Drew could NOT have picked a better moment to tell her. After laying the groundwork on being so sincere about his dad and then the romantic smooching in the alleyway. Seriously, that was a baller move.
Well played, Drew. Masterful.
The next morning, he tells Kasey and Michael what he told Desiree about James. Kasey is nervous — #difficultbalance. However, Michael posits this as “knowing the difference between right and wrong” and it’s like — stop being so melodramatic. James isn’t a puppy killer or child molester or something. Good lord. Let’s not act like this is more than reality TV shenanigans, hmm?
I mean, I’m still totally Team Drew and Kasey, but, ya know, have some perspective. It’s like Michael’s not happy unless he has someone to look down his nose at. Blech.
Brooks, Chris, Kasey, Michael, James and Juan Pablo, which means Zakkkk has the solo date. Desiree says she is goign to give James the benefit of the doubt, but she definitely needs to talk to him.
Anyway, this might be the best group date ever because our six bachelors are going to be playing against a women’s soccer team. That’s outstanding, especially because they have Juan Pablo (who played some pro soccer. Not on the highest level, but still) so it actually might be a match-up.
The guys seem kind of cocky about this, though we’re sure the show encouraged them to act as such. Michael does manage to make us chuckle when he goes, “It is wrong to hit a woman. It is not wrong to kick a woman’s soccer ball away from her.”
It’s fun to see Desiree actually playing, instead of just watching the guys play. And having Juan Pablo is definitely advantageous, as the guys score two goals — then the women lay the smack down. They don’t have a real goalie, big ol’ James doesn’t stand a chance. They probably would’ve been better served to have Juan Pablo between the pipes, actually.
Brooks calls James a “little girl” in the net, which, don’t be sexist. These women are kicking your butts, plus James clearly is not having any fun and he’s obviously being a huge wimp about being hit by the ball. How about “James is being a little boy in the net”?
That night, it’s time for the James confrontation. Except first — Desiree has to read a poem to Chris that is ….. wow. Sweetie, it doesn’t have to rhyme. Hahaha.
Now it’s James time. Kasey, Michael and Chris confront James about his conversation in Munich about being the next Bachelor. James. James looks shocked and, when we finally get back to this conversation (why did we cut to Brooks’ alone time?), James says he didn’t start that conversation and denies saying the Bachelor remark.
He then goes off on some tangent about how he’s been on a one-on-one date and somehow that changes things? He throws it in Michael’s face that Michael hasn’t been on a solo date, yet, which — what does that have to do with anything?
But James does a get point in when he tells Michael that it’s hearsay that he said what Kasey is saying he said and Michael says, “It’s not hearsay,” except it totally is. Kasey says James said it, but Michael doesn’t know first hand. Some prosecutor you are.
James also sounds kind of drunk as he says, “That’s me kidding around! Sorry you don’t understand me. … I didn’t bring that s*** up, Mikey did. I’m gonna be me!” and then he just blathers on and swears some more and slurs his words. James just got real ugly.
Kasey then gets alone with Desiree and tells her about what he and Drew overheard. Now, we will say — James is not wrong about capitalizing on his fame. That’s why a lot of you are on this show. But it certainly doesn’t sound like he thinks he’s the one for Desiree if he’s already kind of planning to hopefully be the next bachelor.
The James Drama
Desiree flat-out tells him that she believes Drew and Kasey’s stories. James is in full denial mode, putting it all off on Mikey and talking about his “connection” with Desiree that Mikey didn’t have. Hmm.
James is not helping himself by being slurry-word drunk, he sounds like a total meathead doing damage control. He also claims that Drew and Kasey are ganging up on him and that they’re just jealous. He really is coming across as kind of a gross, drunken oaf.
Dump him, Desiree! Send him home!
Then he starts crying and ughhhhh, those are total I’m-drunk-and-emotional tears. Blech. But Desiree totally falls for it and snuggles up to him. Ew, girl. We expected more from you.
She says she has to sleep on it and the guys are disappointed to see James return to the hotel after the date.
They kick things off at an art gallery where they are going to be sketching. Huh. That doesn’t actually sound fun to me, but OK. Though, hilariously, they draw each other and Zakkk’s drawing of Desiree is insanely bad. It’s like pee-your-pants-from-laughing bad. Total nightmare fuel. It actually makes for a really cute moment on the date.
Then a male model comes in and just drops trou all willy-nilly, as it were, for them to sketch. It’s … wow. I mean, it’s about art and whatnot and they’re both very mature about it, but it’s also kind of awkward.
Of course, Zakkkkk decides he’ll be funny and take over as the male model, so he comes out in a robe and then takes it off — but thankfully, still has his underwear on. That might have been kind of weird if he’d been naked. Though hilarious (for us viewers. Probably more weird for Desiree).
That night, they dine in a cave. It’s very romantic. And Zakkkkk is totally winning us over as a frontrunner, he seems wonderful, especially the way he talks about his parents. He seems like a winner, Dez.
He definitely gets a rose and
they make out.
James Drama Part II
James confronts Drew about what the guys are saying about him. Drew calls it “inappropriate” for James to talk about the future past Dez and James tries to defend himself — you’ll notice he’s no longer denying that he said it. And Drew rightly points out that if James is looking ahead to going home and being the Bachelor, he’s not that into Dez.
Are you in agreement with us and Drew/Kasey? Or are you on Team James? Is it OK for him to look ahead in the circumstance that he goes home? Seems kind of weird to us to talk about it before you’re kicked off.
He is who we thought he was!
The next morning, Desiree shows up to talk to James, but really, she has decided she can’t trust him and that he should go home. We aren’t so sure he’s “evil,” as Michael says, or that the guys can now “fully focus,” as Drew says — they act like they couldn’t function while there might be villains to be thwarted, which we guess is what the guys/girls on these shows are always like and what kind of storylines would we have if there wasn’t that kind of drama?
Anyway, James manages to tap-dance his way out of being sent home, saying all the right things to Desiree as she struggles with who to trust. She actually resents the guys for putting this on her, but — don’t just buy into the “sweetness,” Desiree. You of all people, having gone through this, should know that someone can be one way with the bachelor/ette and another way in private.
James totally wins her back over, smooching on her and making her laugh. Oh, gag. He really does seem like a skeaze, right?
When he returns to the guys, he says he’s not cocky, he has a good sense of self, but the guys have an issue with him even thinking about being home from the show. They find it disrespectful to Desiree that he’s thinking about what his life will be when he’s off the show.
You can argue the girl who is dating eight guys at once doesn’t really have a leg to stand on, but they knew what they signed up and if I were the Bachelorette, it would rub me the wrong way if a guy was talking about “worst case scenario” I become the next Bachelor. Hmph.
James and his big, swinging, man-swagger storms off. He’s done with this cross-examination.
Drew and Zakkk already have roses. There are only three more to hand out — wow, does the show usually go from eight to five? That seems like a big jump. We’re pretty sure it usually goes from eight to six.
The roses go to Chris, Brooks and … Michael. Huh. We’re not shocked she cut James, but we’re surprised Michael made the cut over Kasey or Juan Pablo. Michael just seems like such a turd — case in point, Mr. Prosecutor goes “He was found guilty, People v. James. Case dismissed.” Oh, shut it, Hearsay.
James says he was bullied off the show, which — don’t throw that word around, you were not. Also, 10 bucks says he’ll reappear this season.
Next week: Madeira! And the L-word is being tossed around left and right, as perhaps Drew breaks up with Desiree? Ruh roh.