Why does Chris Harrison call this a “very special edition” of “The Bachelorette”? They do one of these every season. A “very special” tell-all episode would be if they let the guys jello wrestle.
Harrison and Desiree crash some of the “Bachelorette” viewing parties. If this happened to me (not that I have viewing parties, this is just me and my wine), I’d be knocking Desiree into the bushes to get to Chris Harrison. And you know what I’d shout at him?
“I NEED TO TALK TO CHRIS HARRISON!”
Also, Desiree, let’s not pretend these people watch the show to get together and swoon over the fairytale. These viewing parties are to drink and watch “The Bachelorette” MST3K-style.
Weirdly, they up the stakes for one viewing party by bringing approximately 42 former “Bachelor” franchise stars (and a couple “Bachelor” spawn). Then they kidnap the unsuspecting viewers onto the party bus. Hope you have your shots!
Before we go to commercial, Harrison teases the next “Bachelor” — who do you hope it is? I hope it’s Zakkkkk. If it’s Jefffffff Holm, I am going to vomit. Speaking of Jefffffff, I could not care less what Emily Maynard thinks about dealing with bad boys.
Desiree sits down with Emily Maynard, Ashley Hebert and Ali Fedotowsky. If I were going to sit down and dish with past bachelorettes, it’d be Ali and Jillian and nobody else. And proving that she’s the best, Ali says she couldn’t figure out why Ben was that bad. Same, lady. That was a lot of trumping up of things.
I wonder if Desiree can buy that Bulls*** Detector at the same place Jim Halpert ordered his Gaydar. Also, Ali really needs to go back to more golden-blonde than the ash-blonde she is rocking now. Washes her out.
Time to chat with the men. “Lawyer” Michael talks about how much they all got along, which is a good segue into a montage of all the drama this season had. We revisit creepy Fantasy Suite Jonathan, who at least has the good graces to look embarrassed in the studio while he watches this.
Then we revisit Brian and the actress hired to play his angry girlfriend. I hope “The Bachelorette” didn’t pay her much, because she was terrible. We also revisit Ben and James, of course. Does anybody actually care what they have to say now?
Jonathan is very nice and apologetic about the way he acted. We really don’t think he’s, like, a rapist, or something. He seems chagrined and way less creepy now. I don’t know — am I letting him off too easy? It really seems like he had too much to drink, got a little aggressive, and then maybe the show prodded the drama along, you know?
Brian chose not to attend the Men Tell All, turns out. But we’re going to talk about him in his absence. But again, I ask — who even cares at this point? I’d rather watch Harrison talk to James for 20 minutes than rehash stupid Brian and his terrible actress confrontation.
OK, this on-going gag with the guy in the knight’s suit outside? It’s dumb, stop it.
Ben’s Hot Seat
OK, one thing I will reiterate about this whole Ben vs. Michael thing — maybe it would’ve been easier to dislike Ben if Michael weren’t such a top-notch a-hole. He’s smug and self-righteous and thinks he is way smarter than he actually is.
Ben kind of reaffirms how I didn’t think he was so bad by talking about how he only regrets what he did in the limo, which I figured was just him acting out because he was mad he got dumped in favor of a-hole Michael.
Mikey and Juan Pablo say that what’s wrong with Ben is that he was all about himself and Desiree and he “wasn’t there to make friends.” Um, this isn’t called “The Make Friends Show.” Is it nice to make friends? Sure. But if Ben wants to concentrate on Desiree, the other guys be darned, then who cares? Mind your business and let him mind his. It’s not like he was crashing other guys’ one-on-ones (coughBrydencough).
And what are the “right reasons” other than to be concentrating on Desiree?! They’re acting like the right reasons are to meet Desiree AND to make friends.
Then one guy that no one remembers claims that Brody’s mom told him that the way Brody was conceived was that Ben cheated on his girlfriend with Brody’s mom. Oh my god, so what if he did?! That’s so not even relevant to this conversation and eff Brody’s mom for telling some random dude that and eff him for bringing that up.
What if his son sees this? What if some other little kid’s mom watches this and it gets back to Brody? It’s not out of the realm, kids tease about weird stuff. Shut up, random dude. You are classless for bringing that up.
The guys also say that other guys in the cast are better fathers because they talked about their kids all the time. How dare you judge Ben’s feelings toward his kid, especially based on that. I am over the moon about my new baby and yet, I don’t talk about him all the time to everyone who will listen because that is obnoxious. Nobody finds your kid nearly as interesting/charming/funny as you do.
Even if Ben was the biggest d-bag in the whole world, his son has NOTHING to do with anything at this point. The guys need to stop acting all butt-hurt that Ben didn’t want to be besties. Seriously, are they 12 years old? Are they mad that Ben didn’t respond to their MASH note? This is dumb.
Why does the Ben thing have to be such a big deal when you have an actual d-bag walking around in the form of hulking James?
Sorry, but — Team Ben. These guys are being ridiculous.
James’ Hot Seat
James recaps for us the Mikey conversation where James claims it was Mikey who said, “Worse comes to worst, you’ll be the next ‘Bachelor'” and James said that yeah, that’d be great.
Honestly, it’s not a huge thing to speculate about, but A) Don’t let other guys overhear you because it can sound like you’re being a jerk and B) James did not diffuse the situation at all when this happened. He made himself look 1000x worse than he initially looked because he was so obnoxious when it all went down.
He feels like the guys ruined his chance with Dez, but no. You did that all on your own. Because if the other guys had brought this up and James had not been so ‘roid-ragey about it, Desiree would’ve sided with him.
Then Mikey chimes in that it was a venting conversation and he doesn’t remember who brought up the “Bachelor” talk blah blah, then Mikey gets all ‘roid-ragey in his own right, he’s like ready to fist fight Kasey. #Shrunkentesticlesandbackne.
Kasey takes umbrage with James talking about his connection with Dez in more or less the same breath as talking about moving on and being the “Bachelor.” He earns some head shakes from the audience, then Kasey says that off camera, James said something that gets bleeped out. And the audience is shocked! What was it, I’m dying to know!
Um, why the huge cheers for Juan Pablo? Is it just ’cause he’s hot? Because he was kind of a non-entity on the season.
But first! Bloopers! Wait, no. That was a dumb plug for Clorox. But hey, we better get used to that kind of stuff since nobody watches commercials anymore because of DVRs. It’s why “Survivor” keeps having challenges like “The Black & Decker Build a Fort Challenge for a Reward of Whatever Movie CBS Wants to Promote, Brought to You by Sprint.” Which still beats the hell out of watching most commercials.
Juan Pablo’s Hot Seat
Harrison even has to admit that Juan Pablo is super popular despite being seen f
or approximately 27 seconds this entire season. If he is the next “Bachelor,” it’ll be like when Anthony Hopkins won the Best Lead Actor Oscar for “Silence of the Lambs.”
Seriously, though, I’d watch Juan Pablo be the next “Bachelor,” but I also want Zakkkkk. Why can’t there by two? Why can’t they do it together as buddies? See, no sooner do I type that then Zakkk says he loves Juan Pablo! It’d be great! I’m telling you, ABC — double “Bachelors.” It’d be a great twist, AND it would incorporate two fan-faves.
During the interview, there is not much talked about, it’s just like five minutes of Juan Pablo being adorable. He does seem pretty great — why did he get so little screentime? He’s very obviously one of the hottest guys this show has ever had.
Zakkkkk’s Hot Seat
So, Zak seems really sweet and we read Desiree’s invisible-ink-secret-message that he wrote in the journal and everybody’s smitten with him — should we declare him next “Bachelor” right now?
She starts by calling Jonathan a “disgrace to all men,” which from her perspective is fine, but after his small segment earlier, it seems kind of harsh? Maybe? Maybe not. This is a hard one, because he got really weird, but now he seems embarrassed. He’s not defending himself or anything, nor is he screaming “aggressive woman-abuser” or something.
Anyway. Desiree moves on to Ben and she criticizes his behavior in the limo after he got booted, but — c’mon. I’d be mad if dumb Michael got the rose over me too. Plus, you know he was kind of tipsy. This show makes them drink left, right and center.
Later, she addresses Juan Pablo and he laments that he never got a one-on-one date. For real, Desiree and the show. What is up with that?!
Then. Whoa. Zakkkkkk has another song for Desiree. Dude, you’ve got this next “Bachelor” thing sewn up. RIght? Panties are bursting into flames all over the country.
NOW it’s time for bloopers! Yes! And we start off, hilariously, with some creepy breaking glass during a date with Bryden. Speaking of which, what the hell happened with Bryden? He didn’t say two words all special.
But anyway, an inordinate amount of bloopers include fire. Geez, guys. You’re lucky no one got hurt.
And now it’s preview time. Except I don’t get to see it because of a severe weather cut-in from my local affiliate. So let’s just assume it’s the “most dramatic overnight date” EVER.
Wait — it comes back just in time to see the audience reactions. So, based on their dropped jaws, I’ll just assume someone dies or something.