As if “Toddlers & Tiaras” weren’t disturbing enough on its own, now they’re bringing helpless pets into the mix. Yes, there’s a pet pageant. Pets and little kids — two groups forced into these strange traditions, mostly against their wills.
The season premiere features three little girls and their three little (and not so little) pets: Rainbow Dash (named after a My Little Pony) with her dog, Titi, Gabby with her guinea pig, Puddinin, and Lily with her miniature horse, Blackjack. Both the children and the pets got captions when they “spoke.”
Note: This beauty pageant takes place in Indiana and features a miniature horse. It’s a missed opportunity to feature Lil’ Sebastian! (If you don’t get the reference, please go watch “Parks and Recreation” now.)
If you’re not yet scared, here are 10 reasons why you should be:
1. “I don’t think I’ll be going to hell because of pageants. I could see if I had her on a stripper pole.” – Rachelle (mother of Rainbow Dash)
2. “Lily gets what Lily wants, all the time.” – Brittany on her daughter
3. “She’s gonna have a friggin’ horse with an Afro on it!” – Brittany
4. “I see his claws and the evil look in his eyes.” – Katie the coach
“That’s not nice to say to my guinea pig.” – Gabby
5. “There’s always that first time of a chicken getting excited.” – pageant director
6. “I’m over listening to your crap. I just hate it, hate it, hate it!” – Gabby, who is 3
7. “We need to figure out when you’re going — they said after the peacock!” – Sissy, Lily’s aunt
8. “I coulda went and got a cow from down the street and brought it.” – Rachelle
9. “I brought some maxi pads to put on the bottom of the farmhouse.” – Teresa (Gabby’s grandmother)
10. “I hate glitz pageants.” – Gabby
Spoiler alert: Some girl who danced with a snake won the pageant. How can you compete with a snake?