Time to get started with the real “Bachelor” episodes, fans. Two one-on-one dates and a group date. The pre-show ad promises, “Hot clubs, hot rubs and one. hot. mess.” Just the way we like it. Get your favorite wine ready and here we go.
Molly (the dog) takes a dip in the pool, as Clare gets ready for her date. She says this could be the first date with her future husband and while that is technically true, let’s not get ahead of ourselves, chicky.
Juan Pablo drives up, blindfolds Clare and whisks her off in his car, which is a lot cuter and less creepy than it sounds. The show keeps up the charade that the “Bachelor” is the one who actually plans these dates, as JP talks about putting together the winter wonderland where the date is taking place — in the middle of Los Angeles in approximately September, mind you.
They sled and ice skate and Clare talks about how this makes her feel so alive. It’s … all very weird because it’s like they’re romping around Santa’s Workshop at the mall, since it’s not real.
But to knock out the chill that they got from this fake polar vortex, there is a hot tub. Geez, usually the hot tub doesn’t come out until at least like episode four. What’s next season? A hot tub at the premiere episode meet ‘n greet? Or no — limos with hot tubs! The girls arrive in hot tubs next season.
Anyway, as Clare starts rubbing JP down in the tub, she talks about how awesome her dad was, the juxtaposition of which is a little bit weird. She’s the one with the DVD her dad made when he was dying, in case you forgot.
JP eats up the dead father story and gives her a rose, then they run across the “snow” and get a concert from former “X Factor” contestant Josh Krajcik. Clare and JP dance while still in their swimsuits, so any remaining illusion of it being “cold” are completely shattered, no matter how much fake snow Chris Harrison shakes on them from the crane just out of screen.
Clare then gets a big [BUZZER SOUND] when she says, “I can only hope that today is literally the tip of the iceberg.” Sorry, nope. Misuse of the word “literally” means you’re done. That is literally my biggest pet peeve about girls’ speech in this day and age. Next!
Back at the mansion, Lucy is having some topless hot tub time and three bachelorettes are sitting there talking to her and trying not to stare at her boobs. Not that they’re interested, but it’s hard not to stare when somebody’s just standing there with her bosom out all willy-nilly.
Kat gets the second solo date, which surprises us a little because we barely remember her from the premiere. When JP pulls up, Molly barks a warning at the bachelorettes. That’s fun, more dogs for the “Bachelor/ette” shows.
JP takes Kat and her 1000-watt smile (seriously, that thing is blinding and she has approximately 87 teeth) to a small private plane, with Kat saying in a talking-head that she is “already having visions of jet-setting with [her] Latin lover.” We hope she means Juan Pablo.
The plane lands in exotic Salt Lake City (?) and JP dresses Kat up like they are going to a rave in the desert, complete with clothes that light up. It’s the ecstasy date! A “Bachelor” first! Oh no, it’s just a 5K. …… Wait, what? They’re doing a 5K as a date?
Electricity metaphor, everybody drink!
Then at the finish line, it turns out Juan Pablo is kind of the guest of honor, so he and Kat run up on stage and have to dance for the throng of screaming ladies. Kat’s got some serious dance moves and Juan Pablo loves how into it she is, so of course, she gets the rose.
Chelsie, Christine, Kelly, Casandra, Andi, Renee, Lauren, Alli, Chantel, Nikki, Elise, Victoria and Lucy get the group date, leaving Sharleen, Danielle and Amy L. as the ones who don’t get dates this week.
The activity is a “Models and Mutts” photo shoot that involves the most adorable dogs and putting the women in skimpy outfits — but not all outfits are created equal. Some of the women are much more scantily-clad than others, which hardly seems fair, especially since they’re dressing Lucy the naked girl like a fire hydrant.
Lucy is the most covered of any of the women, while Andi and Elise, girls who are not so comfortable with nudity, are supposed to wear nothing but small signs. Typical “Bachelor” — let’s put the first-grade teacher and assistant district attorney in the buff and see what they do.
The art director tries to tell Elise that she’s being a good role model by representing a good cause. Yes, but, she also does not want to be seen nearly naked on TV, dude. She teaches little kids. Don’t be a jerk.
Thankfully (and unsurprisingly) Lucy is more than willing to switch jobs with Elise, so Elise is the fire hydrant and Lucy is taking her clothes off. Andi, however, has not found someone to switch with her and is really nervous about being naked. Juan Pablo comforts her, though weirdly he says he’ll do the naked picture with her, instead of just telling her you don’t have to anything you don’t want to do.
During the shoot, there are black bars over everybody’s naughty bits, so … are they really naked? No little socks or tiny covers? Hmm. Where will they ever be able to display those pictures? It seems a little like ABC is black-boxing-out things that don’t need to be censored because surely they cannot be completely naked.
In the end, Andi is really proud of herself for not being scared to do the nude picture, which is nice and all, but that also makes it seem like a lot of drama for nothing. Which we suppose could be the subtitle for “The Bachelor,” so that’s actually kind of perfect.
After the photoshoot, there is the requisite mingling time, where Renee tries very hard to get Juan Pablo to kiss her and he does not comply. De-nied!
Meanwhile, Victoria (pictured above) has a little too much to drink and nurse Nikki tries to get her to reel it in, as Victoria insists she’s not drunk while slurring, “Thish is how Iam sober. … If Juan Pablo is mine, I’mgon straddle him eeryday. ‘Cause life isabut straddling. People and things.”
Oooh, somebody is at home dying from embarrassment right now, guys (but not literally dying because … we talked about that).
Later, Juan Pablo talking-heads that he likes Nikki and wants to get her know her better. You and us both, dude. She seems great. Team Nikki!
But back to Victoria, she’s twerking in the jacuzzi and slurs, “Juan Pablo, today I gave him the hymen maneuver.” Seriously, she means “Heimlich” and says “hymen.” Twice. Oh, dear. Then she staggers up to Nikki and JP having their alone time, says something that has to be bleeped out and walks off.
This leads to Victoria going to a bathroom stall to bawl about not having had one-on-one time with Juan Pablo. Renee crawls under the stall door to try to help her, as Victoria swears at her and cries and says she’s going home. Renee’s a saint for even going in there.
Victoria then tries to leave the show while barefoot, in her bikini and super drunk, and a producer has to stop her because of how unsafe it is. Yikes. She ends up back in her bathroom stall and Lucy finally alerts Juan Pablo to what is going on right now.
< br />JP tries to talk to Victoria and she won’t talk to him, so he goes back to the other women to give the rose to … Kelly? What?! She had to wear some weird makeup at the photoshoot, but it’s not like she had to get naked! What on earth? Thee must have been something we did not see because that seemed to come out of nowhere.
JP asks the women to make sure Victoria gets home safely so he can talk to her tomorrow and he bids them adieu. The women act like he’s so amazing for acting “in such a manner.” What does that even mean? Are we suppose to applaud because he didn’t try to take advantage of Victoria or something? Or because he didn’t kick her out into the street all drunk and barefoot?
He seems like a nice guy, but it’s not like Juan Pablo just saved Victoria from a dragon or something. Let’s not get carried away.
Also, where was the, “Juan Pablo, I hope you die!” wail? We thought that was coming from Victoria during this incident. Did we somehow miss it?
The Next Day
Victoria is at a hotel, she didn’t even get taken back to the bachelorette mansion the night before. She apologizes to Juan Pablo for “setting off the crazy train” and then says, “Welcome to Brazil!” We’re fairly sure the entire country of Brazil is like, “Don’t paint us with your drunk, crazy brush.”
She blames it on how intensely she “feels things,” saying that seeing him with all the other girls made her really upset. Hmm. You seemed pretty drunk, lady, how about take some responsibility for over-imbibing and not just act like it’s because you’re so fiery?
Wait, there it is — Victoria says she “probably” drank too much and could have been more adult about it. Well, that’s nice, but Juan Pablo still sends her packing. Yep. See ya, V.
The Cocktail Party
Amy, who did not get a date this week, takes her alone time with JP and, since she’s a reporter, she asks if she can “interview” him. It’s actually a pretty cute ploy to make herself memorable without having gotten to on a date with him. Smart move, Amy.
Sharleen (looking amazing in yet another really cool dress) takes some time to apologize for her “ungracious” reaction to the first-impression rose. She says she was so surprised that she got it that she didn’t know how to react and that she feels a lot of pressure being around so many pretty women. That’s a great way to play that off, because it was an intriguing hard-to-get move at the time, but now she’s warming up and not acting so aloof. Another smart move.
Cassandra, meanwhile, is struggling with being away from her son, Trey, and starts crying about the whole experience. Renee (also a single mom) comforts her and then JP takes over with the single-parent commiseration. He tells Cassandra he sees her and Renee as different from everybody else and that if he thinks there’s nothing there between them, he’ll tell the two of them right away because he knows they each have a child waiting back home. Aww, that’s pretty sweet.
The Rose Ceremony
Kat, Clare and Kelly already have roses. The remaining roses go to Cassandra, Nikki, Andi, Elise, Sharleen (who says “sure” again, but this time she’s being funny), Renee, Danielle, Lucy, Alli, Chelsie, Lauren and Christine.
Amy the reporter is pretty devastated about being sent home. We’re pretty surprised, honestly. We thought for sure her interview ploy would keep her around. Chantel is also going home, but we barely saw her.
What do you think of JP’s choices this week?