Last week on “The Bachelor,” Clare and Juan Pablo had an ugly end to a secret romp in the ocean (though Clare says they did not have sex and did nothing wrong). This week it looks as though Clare is not done with JP in regards to the way he made her feel after the nighttime swim.
Everything is gorgeous in New Zealand, but for Clare, there’s a dark cloud because she feels incredibly insecure after the events of last week’s episode (which is completely understandable). She’s really disappointed at Andi getting the date, but c’mon — Andi is the only girl who hasn’t had a one-on-one date. Clare says that she thinks things just might “erupt” in New Zealand, which is the first innuendo in regards to Andi’s date at a geyser, drink!
The night before the date, Cassandra and Renee commiserate about how hard it is to date as a single mom and how much they want Juan Pablo all the more because of how into family and kids he is. On, this is some foreshadowing if I ever saw some. Cassandra is going home to her son by episode’s end, count on it.
The next day, Andi and Juan Pablo go boating down a river and then they jump into the river to go wading through waist-deep water in a cave — they are “literally” in a tunnel in a cave. Well, yes, we suppose you are.
The literal cave tunnel leads them to a hot spring with a waterfall and they have some major make-out time underneath the water, with Andi hopping up and wrapping her legs around his waist. So, ocean romping is a no, but body-jumping make-out is a yes. Got it. Has Juan Pablo kissed every girl that’s still left on the show? We can’t keep track.
That night, they set up camp for dinner near a geyser, which is bubbling and spraying metaphorical love all over them. (Drink!) However, is anyone else left feeling really cold after this dinner portion? This seems like one of those pairings that is all spark and no flame. They have a good physical chemistry, clearly. But they don’t really seem to have anything to talk about. That can never last.
And then just as I type that, Andi says their chemistry is “bursting” like a geyser. Drink. Though that’s not the way I would have phrased it.
Sharleen, Chelsie, Renee, Nikki, Kat and Cassandra get the Group Date, which leaves Clare with the second one-on-one date. Clare is ecstatic that she gets a chance to figure out what’s going on with JP.
The date starts with a picnic and every girl is kind of lamenting having to be on another group date, but then it turns awesome when they get to climb inside those huge blow-up plastic hamster ball things and roll down a giant hill. Yessss! What is awesome about those is you won’t get dizzy like if you were just rolling over and over. You’re in a padded pod in the middle that is not spinning the same as the outside of the ball. Terrific.
The girls take turns riding with Juan Pablo and Nikki’s excited to have gotten to kiss JP twice in the Ogo (as the giant balls are apparently called). The whole thing looks like an absolute blast.
That night, they go to Hobbiton, which is the place in New Zealand where they filmed the shire portions of “Lord of the Rings” and “The Hobbit.” The show makes the girls act all excited, but we actually believe Sharleen. She’s geeking out (and we knew we liked her).
Cassandra has been blathering on all day about how today is her birthday, so she thinks she should get the rose. Yes, yes — we heard you the first 1000 times. Meanwhile, Nikki decides it’s time to grab the bull by the horns and tell Juan Pablo how she feels.
As this is happening, the girls talk about how the group date roses are getting more meaningful because everybody’s had a one-on-one date. Sharleen is a little unsettled and insecure about her standing with JP. So they take some alone time and make out while he reassures her. Yeah, we think the teasers are bunk — Sharleen’s not going anywhere.
Birthday girl Cass finally gets her alone time, but she spends it talking about how special Juan Pablo is. It kind of seems like she has nothing to talk about with him and we seriously doubt she’s getting the rose.
When it is rose time, Renee adorably says that she hopes Cassandra gets the rose because she thinks Cass needs the reassurance more than anyone else at this point. But Sharleen gets the rose. Womp womp (for Cassandra, not for us because we are Team Sharleen).
JP takes some more alone time with Cassandra then and he sends her home — he says he’s just not feeling it with her and she needs to go back to her son. She takes it like a champ, though she is obviously disappointed.
Then in a bit of hilarity, Juan Pablo walks alone in the rain under his transparent umbrella and Cassandra cries in the limo as a plinky-plunky song with lyrics about “love strong” plays. Nicely done, editors.
Before the date, Clare talking-heads about how there’s a difference between being honest and hurting someone’s feelings. She’s totally right. Juan Pablo was unloading his guilt off onto her unnecessarily. He didn’t need to talk to her other than to say it wouldn’t be right for them to sneak off again like they did. Instead, he made her feel guilty and ashamed, which was totally unfair.
He does some damage control on the date this week, saying he wants her to feel comfortable and he wants her to be there. Clare says it hurt because she didn’t think she had done anything that would shame him in anybody’s eyes.
Juan Pablo says he’s never kissed a girlfriend in front of his daughter. Which is fair, but — dude, you’ve been kissing women left and right on this show. He then says that swimming in the ocean at 4 a.m. and kissing in that situation is inappropriate. Um, if that’s all you did, then how about your steamy make-out session with Andi earlier in the waterfall? How is that different? Does the time of day really make the difference?
JP really needs to figure out what his boundaries are because his rules seem to be constantly changing and it’s annoying. Of course, JP apologizing and telling Clare how upset he was with himself that he made her cry is just what she wants to her, so she eats it up and then they make out. *sigh*
That night, Clare says she’s proud of herself for not just running away in the face of conflict, which is a fair way to feel — she stood up for herself, certainly. But she’s slathering JP with praise about the way he handled and we’re not so sure about that one. But whatever makes you happy, Clare.
They change into sweatpants and T-shirts, which is admittedly cute, and she gets the rose. No big shock there. JP does seem really into her.
Time to Talk to Chris Harrison
JP and C-dawg rap about what’s going on so far. JP says that he needs to experience some quality conversations at this point (we’re looking at you, Andi). He als
o says he let Cassandra go because he just wasn’t feeling it with her and there’s no point in making her wait two more days to send her home to her son.
The girls are feeling kind of weird because only one of them is leaving (since Cassandra is already gone) and three girls already have roses, so it’s four girls vying for three roses. Pressure’s on.
Nikki gets the first alone time and it turns into “Who’s on first?” when they start talking about liking each other “a lot” and “a little” and “how much is a lot?” and “how much is very good?” and “I don’t know — third base!” *headsmack* Two rocket scientists we’ve here, gang.
Renee also has some good alone time with JP, which leaves Chelsie and Kat to go for the final rose (which is the two we would’ve chosen to be last). We would have predicted Kat to stay even before she whips out her journal to show Juan Pablo and talks about her dad (who was a horrible drunk). But her alone time seals the deal. Chelsie is going home.
It’s time for roses and Sharleen still hasn’t had the breakdown they’ve been teasing, so what gives? The roses go to Sharleen, Andi, Clare (already had), Nikki, Renee and … Chelsie! I was wrong. I thought for sure it would be Kat.
In the limo, Kat says something about how it’s a “marathon, not a sprint” and she just didn’t “get up to speed.” Drink for the weird metaphors! Though that should really be the new tagline: “‘The Bachelor': Whoever can outlast, wins.” Or how about: “‘The Bachelor': Outwit, outlast, outplay.” Hee.
Meanwhile, Sharleen is upset because she really liked Kat and wonders why she’s still there and Kat’s not. But she certainly isn’t quitting, like the show would have had us believe. She’s giving it another week. Hmm.
Next week: Several of the girls are struggling and Clare is mad that girls who need reassurance are getting all the attention. And Nikki and Clare finally mix it up. Sweet.