Time for the episode that is apparently going to define this “Bachelor” season, fans. We can hardly contain our excitement!
It all starts off so beautifully — picturesque teal water, lush greenery, blue skies. Plus, Juan Pablo is excited for the overnight dates because there’s no cameras. He can’t wait to have some privacy to get to know them. We’ll just bet.
Clare calls JP the man of her dreams. You know, we aren’t in love with either JP or Clare, but they seem more well-suited to each other than he does with anyone else. Is she going to be the final choice? That’d be nice because it would keep her from being the next “Bachelorette.” We could not abide that, you guys.
Clare hilariously thinks that JP won’t want to spend the night together after what happened in the ocean. Um, methinks he objected to that so much because the cameras were there, sweetie. He can say it’s about setting a good example for his daughter, and that’s part of it, but with the fantasy suites, as he already pointed out, there are no cameras.
She also says she’s not sure if the fantasy suite is the right decision for her, which is a very valid concern and Clare would actually rise so much in our estimation if she turned it down. Not that people who use it are being inappropriate — they’re not. But after what happened to her earlier this season, that would be an interesting statement to make.
JP continues to be kind of gross when he says in an interview that the fantasy suite will let them “get to know each other better. A lot better.” The only thing that would’ve made that pervier is if he had waved a strand of condoms around while he said it.
When the suite card arrives, Clare tells Juan Pablo that it’s important how Camila sees him on this show and he reassures her that these are “overnight dates” so it’s OK. See, it’s as we suspected: There are no cameras and this is the “nookie” date, so she doesn’t have to worry about being slut-shamed this time. What a prince, right?
So, yeah, they go to the fantasy suite and Clare says, “I’m loving falling in love with you,” then they make out in the hot tub and Clare interviews that JP is the man she wants “to have babies with” and says this is like “dream-come-true stuff right there.” Ughhhhh, vomit. These two deserve each other.
It’s time for the walk-amongst-the-locals date, where Juan Pablo and Andi get to bang on some drums and play in a pick-up game of soccer on the beach. We’ll admit this impromptu footie match actually looks less staged than most of these “happenstance” things that crop up on dates sometimes.
After toodling around the island in a buggy — drink for the metaphor about Andi seeing herself “riding passenger seat” with Juan Pablo — they’re at another waterfall, so clearly JP remembers what excites Andi. There is much hugging and kissing. Memo to Andi’s parents: Don’t watch this episode either.
That night, they talk about their relationship so far and it’s fine. Nothing earth-shattering, nothing scandalous. The fantasy suite key arrives and they agree that they’re serious enough about each other to use it — then they use it. It’s quite the short ‘n sweet date as compared to Clare’s time.
The next morning, Juan Pablo is over the moon, saying they laughed all night and they had incredible chemistry together. But Andi is not feeling the same way at all.
She says that every time she starts to talk about herself, her feelings, her past, Juan Pablo jumps in with his own stuff. Plus, he apparently was name-dropping and then somehow brought up the overnight date with Clare.
Andi’s well aware he has other overnight dates, but she doesn’t need him to talk about them on her date, you know? I really wish we could’ve seen this conversation because it sounds kind of amazing (in a trainwreck-y way). Either way, Andi’s ready to be done and she’s sad she got so far in the process before figuring this out about Juan Pablo.
Also, and we’re not discounting Andi’s version of the night’s events at all, but Juan Pablo has always seemed pretty interested in his dates’ lives, so it would have been interesting to see this other side of him. Of course, that could be the editing — maybe the editors just happen to include all the times he did ask them about themselves and left hours of footage on the cutting room floor where he was self-centered and whatnot.
Holy mother of god — what is she wearing, you guys? That is like if a Woodstock hippie and a go-go dancer threw up on a stripper. Do you suppose she can make the fringe on each side twirl in opposite directions? Juan Pablo sees her and goes, “Look at you!” and it’s like, “We are, JP. We cannot stop looking at her.”
They go horseback riding, it’s positively breathtaking. When they sit on the beach to chat, it comes up that JP told her father during hometowns that he’s not 100 percent sure, which makes her nervous. Well, we get that, but that’s what he has to say. He can’t tell anyone she’s the one until the end, it’s part of the deal with this show.
That night, we skip almost immediately to the fantasy suite. There must be quite a lengthy drama segment this episode because they are flying through these dates.
Once in the suite, Nikki finally tells JP she’s in love with him (she’s been wanting to for a while, that’s not us saying “finally”). She just blurts it out and the heavy make-out commences.
I Need to Talk to Chris Harrison
It’s bro time. JP says he likes the women and Harrison jumps on that — he hopes that Juan Pablo has stronger feelings than, “I think you’re swell” at this point. Juan Pablo says he has strong feelings for all the women and he doesn’t know who to choose.
It’s personal video message time. Clare’s message and JP’s reaction make us even more sure that she’s the one who is going to “win” at the end. Then Andi’s video message intros her coming to talk to him in person. On the way there, she interviews that the fantasy suite seemed to be all Juan Pablo wanting to kiss her instead of getting to know her better.
Andi tells Juan Pablo that she’s not in love with him and isn’t going to be and he says it’s good for her to be honest and if it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be. At this point, they could totally part on fine terms. But Andi wants to have it out before she leaves.
Actually, it’s more like Andi wants him to beg her to stay. Because when Juan Pablo says, “It’s OK that you aren’t feeling it,” Andi’s response is, “It’s not O
K. I don’t want you to say, ‘It’s OK.'” Juan Pablo says that he can’t force her to feel something and it’s her decision: “If you don’t feel it, Andi, it’s OK.”
“You saying, ‘It’s OK’ comes off as you not having feelings,” she says in response and that is where she loses me. You are telling a guy you don’t have feelings for him, but you’re mad that he’s not saying he has feelings for you? What do you want to happen here, Andi?
Juan Pablo is clearly saying it’s OK that she isn’t in love with her, but she doesn’t want that to be OK with him. Does she want to tell him she doesn’t love him and have him profess his love for her and beg her to stay? Because that’s messed up. But that’s obviously what she wants. Is it because she had such a lousy time in the fantasy suite and now she feels like she’s owed a huge fight or something?
Juan Pablo says he respects her as a woman, he appreciates her honesty and he’s sad about her leaving, but he’s not going to die over it. Ha! That’s amazing.
At this point, we are totally on Juan Pablo’s side here. Andi obviously feels slighted, but she’s demanding some kind of garment-rending, gnashing-of-teeth expression of emotion from Juan Pablo and he’s not delivering, so she’s having a tantrum.
Andi thinks Juan Pablo takes his honesty too far sometimes, as she says he said in the fantasy suite that she’s there by “default.” He says he didn’t use that word, but he said she’s “barely” there over Renee (or something, it’s unclear).
OK, that might be a jerk move but we’d really have to hear the conversation. How in the world did that even come up? It’s a real shame we can’t hear what happened because Juan Pablo says she took it the wrong way and after this conversation, Andi is not getting the benefit of our doubt.
Andi is sitting here wanting her pound of flesh from him and it’s making her look kind of crazy. She wants a big apology, but if she’s not in love with hm and she’s leaving, does it honestly make that much of a difference?
We don’t love Juan Pablo, but his reaction to this conversation is not inappropriate. It has become very clear that Andi is not the woman for him and he was going to send her home anyway, so it’s kind of childish that she wants to do all of this before she leaves.
They finally start kind of laughing about the situation, so at least they part on so-so terms. We’ve heard rumors that Andi is a “Bachelorette” frontrunner and after this, we certainly hope not. She’s kind of a drama queen.
As she drives away, Andi goes on and on about how it’s “not OK” and he was brushing off her feelings by saying that, but that’s not what he was doing at all. He was saying that it’s OK that she wants to leave because she’s not in love with him — and clearly, that is not what Andi deems the “appropriate” reaction.
Juan Pablo explains what happened to Clare and Nikki and invites them to talk to him about any concerns they have and he’ll be honest with them. He also says it’s OK if they think he’s not the one for them. Heh.
But they both accept their roses and it’s a Nikki-Clare showdown for the finale in two weeks! We think Clare is the frontrunner, what do you think?
But first, next week: “The Women Tell All” special, with Sharleen looking oh-so-stunning. Sharleen for “Bachelorette”!