On the 2010 MTV Movie Awards red carpet, if you see something glinting in the sunlight, it’s not just the bling, but those “Twilight” vampires who will no doubt take home plenty of fake popcorn statuettes by the end of Sunday night (June 6).
This looks like a promising awards show this year, hosted by the hilarious Aziz Ansari from “Parks and Recreation.” He’s a huge “Twilight” fan and even wants a lock of Robert Pattinson‘s hair, so this should be a fun experience.
Besides R-Patz and the rest of the Twi gang, we’re psyched to see some of the “Harry Potter” kids and maybe even Sandra Bullock, who made a surprise appearance at the Spike TV Guys Choice Awards.
If you need to check your Twitter, refresh your dip, learn to fist pump or let the cat out, never fear. We’ll keep an eye on the festivities for you here where you can follow along or check back later.
Time to party (All times are Eastern):
8:00- 8:59 p.m. – Red Carpet quickie: Okay, let’s sum up the red carpet en masse, yes? If Snooki were blue, she’d be Smurfette’s frenemy. She needed her poof more than ever, so we’re bummed about that. M. Night Shyamalan’s “Last Airbender” sneak peek looks cool, but we’re still dubious. Katy Perry and her cupcake boobs made us uncomfortable and the “Jersey Shore” first look is just, oh man. Check out Rick Porter’s take on it. But seriously, only Snooki can bring in President Obama in relation to tanning.
9:00 p.m. – Whoa, Betty White sitting in the audience!! We kick off with another Les Grossman promo … and whut whut? It’s Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner wearing the Best. Mustaches. Ever. in a faux buddy action flick called “Bad-Ass Cops.” Then we see Jaden Smith break some arms and Les promises a bodily function-produced gem. Ewww, and okay, we’ve been warned. (BTW, we’ve never liked Tom Cruise so much than in this alter ego.)
9:05 p.m. – We’re a bit weirded out by this intro with Aziz Ansari. The “Precious” parody was okay, but Justin Bieber blowdrying his hair and the exploding into a million little Bieb-particulates? Was that what Miley meant when she called him her pocket-sized bf?
9:08 p.m. – Ansari’s monologue about 3-D films falls flat (heh), but he sure knows how to give a good perspective on the “Twilight” films. He should totally recap the movies a la “MST3K.” Our second favorite line: “You better hold on tight, spidermonkey, we’re going to Quiznos.” Our first favorite line we can’t write here.
9:13 p.m. – Unfunny “Grown Ups” intro. Get to the Best Female Performance already. Kristen Stewart wins of course. We love the sleek ponytail and metallic outfit. Her speech is so cute even though she doesn’t say anything memorable, but the cutaways to Pattinson grinning is priceless.
9:26 p.m. – Undulating tiger-striped Ken Jeong is going to haunt our liquor-addled dreams tonight.
9:29 p.m.– Is Les Grossman going to steal the show? The dance with J.Lo kind of rocked. We’re un-ironically impressed.
9:30 p.m. – Speaking of impressive, WTH is Lindsay Lohan doing there? And is she finally wearing some upper support garments?
9:36 p.m. – Heh, Amanda Seyfried accepts her award for Best Scared As S*** Performance for “Jennifer’s Body” … even though not many people watched it.
9:37 p.m. – Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Harry Potter! Now that we’ve said his name three times, it’s time for the “Deathly Hallows, Part One” sneak. Wow … except for that smooch by Ginny, the whole thing is really dark. But as we Potterheads know, that’s true to the book. Tom Felton, aka Draco Malfoy, in the audience approves, as any Slytherin would.
9:41 p.m. – Okay, we know everyone loves that British Orbitz woman (“Fabulous!”) but we know dirt about her and should probably eat a piece of Orbitz gum before letting it slip.
9:44 p.m. – Best Kiss time!!! Twihards, you’re so ready for this right? Oh hey, Kiss Cam. Where’s Dustin Hoffman when you need him?
9:46 p.m. – Aww, naturally R-Patz and K-Stew win for Best Kiss and just like last year, they tease us by not quite kissing for their thank you speech. Their tussling on stage is so cute. They finally “kiss” when Rob turns his back to us so Kristen is totally hidden. So yeah, we don’t actually see it. But we’re okay seeing this little dance play out for three more years (we’re assuming “Breaking Dawn” is two parts) cuz Robsten is just that adorable.
9:48 p.m. – Katy Perry and Snoop perform “California Gurls” and our eyes are watering from all the day glo. We expected Spuds McKenzie to roll out on a skateboard. The song sounds so generic, it’s familiar.
9:57 p.m. – “Stunt Kidz” skit – We don’t like the e-Trade commercials either. Stop with the kids subbed in for adults.
9:59 p.m. – Betty White gets a standing O! *Sniffle* We’re so proud of the MTV generation for embracing this “Golden Girl.” She’s on stage to present the Generation Award to Sandra Bullock, who’s there partially for the “award-winning movie ‘All About Steve.'” Seriously, Betty White is awesome, we could go on and on, but here’s one of her best lines: “My ovaries were recently named historical monuments.”
10:03 p.m. – Scarlett Johansson on stage says pretty much nothing, which is frickin’ hilarious. And that’s kind of why we liked her so much in “Iron Man 2.” Actions, not words. Shhh, little Scarlett. We just want to look at you.
10:05 p.m. – Post-montage, Sandy takes to the stage in a really sexy, sparkly short black number with a plunging back. “Honey, don’t ever wear that dress backwards,” advises Betty. Standing O for Sandy and we’re all verklempt and proud and supportive of her. We just know she’s going to make us laugh and cry with her speech, which she does.
10:10 p.m. – Ahh, finally we find out why Scarlett is on stage. Another girl smooch time! Okay, it’s not as magical as Sandy’s kiss with Meryl Streep, but we’re not complaining.
10:13 p.m. – Ken Jeong wins Best WTF Moment for “The Hangover”: “Me and my penis would love to thank MTV and the voters.” And he counters that eww moment with an aww moment when he announces his wife Tran has been cancer-free for two years.
10:15 p.m. – Aziz Ansari’s R. Kelly take on “Avatar
” is pretty brilliant style-wise, but why is the “tail making love to the plants” the only part we remember?
10:21 p.m. – Okay, we get that there has to be some comedy with “The Other Guys” cast, but it’s sorta rude to keep interrupting Tom Felton when he’s accepting his Best Villain award for “Harry Potter.” Not cool, guys.
10:26 p.m. – RAAAAAAAIIIIINNNNNNNNN!!!!! OMG, we didn’t see that coming but, Stephen Colbert and Zap2it are so thrilled with Rain winning the Biggest Badass award for “Ninja Assassin.” Nice practiced speech, Rain.
10:28 p.m. – Excuse us while we watch the “Twilight: Eclipse” exclusive sneak peek.
10:31 p.m. – Okay, we’re loving it and laughing at the same time. “Eclipse” totally looks like the best “Twilight” movie so far with all the danger and action, but the lines … really? “She is the one the redhead wants.” Jacob, why are you suddenly speaking like some ancient oracle who prophesies doom?
10:37 p.m. – Sorta digging the R-Patz haircut. Still has that touchable top flop. What, you want more about the actual show? Okay. He gets dual popcorn goodness for Best Male Performance and Global Superstar (Sorry, TayTay) and he totally tries to make the thank you offhand, but we know what’s going on when he thanks K-Stew “for being the linchpin of the whole series.” She plays annoyed in the audience, but it’s cute and they are there together after all. It’s not like she’s sitting with Taylor Lautner.
10:39 p.m. – Xtina of the Cinnabon hair makes us hungry as she performs. Squat it, girl. You and those stilettos won’t be friends for too much longer now. And we’re kind of bored here — wait — HER VAGINA HAS A GLOWING FLASHING HEART.
10:47 p.m. – We’re still recovering from Vag-Heart.
10:48 p.m. – Taavon the Swagga coach (Ansari) knows swagga. We’re bustin’ out the “I don’t know” shoulder dance tonight after the awards.
10:51 p.m. – Zac Efron is cute. He introduces the Best Comedic Performance category. He proves that he’s still cute. Damn teleprompter.
10:52 p.m. – Zach Galifianakis from “The Hangover” wins the Best Comedic award, but Taavon has to accept on his behalf. He takes credit for Xtina’s Vag-Heart. Cuz who else will?
10:55 p.m.- Typing will be more difficult during the home stretch. Hard to see after Tom Cruise’s blinding smile.
11:00 p.m. – Best Movie is “Avatar.” Oh wait, sorry, that was the Oscars. It’s that little known film “The Twilight Saga: New Moon” that wins, and Peter Facinelli, who plays vamp daddy Carlisle Cullen decides to speak for them all. Except he’s so excited to be on MTV and hearing so many F-bombs though the night, he streams a string of F-bombs so fast, the live bleeper can’t keep up with him. F***ing awesome. Too bad, West Coast and those waiting for the replay. You’ll get the censored Carlisle.
11:05 p.m.- Wait, it’s over? We know that “Twilight” won far more than five awards, but they sure didn’t show them all. Here’s the complete winner’s list.
Overall, not a bad awards show, but it seems that they’re going to have to manufacture some awards or shtick specifically for Taylor Lautner so the Team Jacob faction doesn’t get too bored.
Photo credits: MTV