“American Idol” said Auf Wiedersehen — oops, wrong reality show! — to another contestant on Thursday, May 19. Who do you think is going home? We’re going with Lauren Alaina — the eternal prom dress-wearer.
In case you forgot that “Idol” was the single most important show in the history of television shows ever, host Ryan Seacrest tells us over 95 millions votes were cast last night. Here’s hoping 94,999,999 of those were for Haley Reinhart. Scotty McCreery can have the other one. And none for Lauren Alaina. Bye! We’re just kidding! We love everyone… except Jacob “Look In The Mirror” Lusk and his hip thrusts. So not in it to win it. Oh, snap!
Well, kids, Nigel Lythgoe got his wish — Lauren Alaina and Scotty McCreery — the youngest final two ever — in the finale. Our little engine that could Haley was sent growlin’ home and we were not pleased. At. All. We may have thrown things off our desk. And didn’t even pick them up after! We were that upset. (Sorry cleaning lady on the night shift!)
Haley has had some of the most memorable performances this season — “Rolling In The Deep,” “House of The Rising Sun” and “I Who Have Nothing” to name a few — and she brought something new to the table. We’re really going to miss this little spitfire.
Consider us dreamers, but we really thought our Scream Queen was going to pull off the upset. At least our girl went out like the little bad*ss that she is, saying, “I rocked it out.” That you did, girl. That you did. Pity party at our place tonight. BYODC — Bring Your Own Diet Coke.
Here are some highlights before the elimination:
— “I have a very clear prediction for the finale: There will be a guy in it.” So says Jimmy Iovine a.k.a. the man who has a black hat seemingly glued to his head. We have to agree with Jimmy. Scotty is a force to be reckoned with.
— We’re so jealous. The Top 4 got to meet J.J. Freakin’ Abrams! And they got to see scenes from “Super 8”! Which stars Kyle Chandler who is the most perfect man ever! We’re so trying out next season. As McCreery so astutely pointed out, “J.J. is in it to win it!”
— Elle Fanning may be the single most awkward person to ever grace the “Idol” audience… which recently housed a man wearing a dog suit (to promote FX’s “Wilfred.”) We guess it was kind of adorable? #TeamDakota
— We’re obsessed with Haley’s potty mouth. She’s just so laid-back and chill. She’s like that cool girl in school who knows she’s cool and knows you know she’s cool, but she doesn’t really care.
— We wouldn’t be mad if Haley and her bodyguard Aaron became the inspiration for a buddy comedy interpretation of “The Bodyguard.” Just putting that out there. Your move, J.J. Abrams!
— Ford Music Video Tiempo! All this beach visit makes us feel — besides uncontrollable secondhand embarrassment — is a totally irrational desire for Scotty and Haley to date. Judge us good. Sorry Casey Abrams, you’re so Top 7.
— Il Lovo performed. So there’s that. They sang in Italian which is kind of an odd choice for “American Idol,” but whatever, we’re rolling with the Italian homies.
— A couple things occurred to us during Scotty’s hometown visit:
1. He’s going to get so much a** for the rest of his life.
2. His room was SO plain and boring.
3. He’s the cutest ugly-crier ever.
4. We’re 90% sure he took a bagel from a random fan. Clearly he never learned to never take carbs from a stranger.
5. Scotty handing the mic over to Josh Turner was just plain adorable.
— New “X Factor” host (Curiously, there was no mention of the new show. Hm…) Nicole Scherzinger “performed” with 50 Cent. We say “performed” because it was pre-taped. It was aight. It kind of seemed like Nicole was trying to emulate Rihanna, which whatever, everyone’s copying everyone these days.
— Why, yes Ryan! We would love to be in this position “nest” year!
— Lauren’s hometown visit was extremely emotional and touching, especially when she visited an 11-year-old (What up Tyler!) who saved his family during the May 4 tornadoes. We really can’t say anything snarky here; We were definitely crying throughout most of Lauren’s hometown visit. But before we get too emotional and sappy on you…
— … Here’s a text message our mother sent us right after the clip finished: “Her mother’s hair is a frizzball!” That’s our mommy, always noticing the important things in life… and on “American Idol!” And now back to your regularly scheduled snark!
Just kidding. The End! So, do you think the right person went home, Zappers? Who do you think is really “in it to win it”?