There are really only three acts that should advance out of this group of 12 — Fighting Gravity, Future Funk and the Hot Shot Tap Dancers. Nathaniel Kenyon is on the bubble for me, so we’ll let him advance just to give it another shot when he’s vocally healthy.
Disclaimer: We’re trying something new here at Zap2it this year, so I must warn you — I haven’t watched a single episode yet. I don’t know backstories (and don’t really care) and have no knowledge of previously-performed songs or routines.
Let’s get to the first group of 12, shall we? So — Sharon Osbourne has one quite the muumuu tonight, huh? I’m not a fan.
1. Kung Fu Heroes
This certainly is exciting, huh? Very impressive gymnastics and martial arts moves. I’m disappointed not to see any actual staged fighting. It was more like a bunch of solos and dancing. And the music sounded like a lot of screaming. Not my favorite, but I could see them advancing. The judges seem to agree.
2. Christina & Ali
They are very cute, but I don’t actually love the tone of their voices. The little girl needs to let her voice mature because her big note was NOT great. Hmmm. Not that impressed. Sharon and Howie are nice to them and even Piers’ “honesty” is pretty sugar-coated. I expect more from you, Piers Morgan. Especially if you’re headed to CNN.
So this talent it … air guitar? Uh, this is a couple pairs of high heels and some disco music away from being a drag show. How is this talent? Who wants to watch this for more than 10 seconds? Not me. Are the judges on crack?! What the hell? I just … I am at a lost.
4. The Hot Shot Tap Dancers
Tapping is such a lost art. I don’t know how this is a Las Vegas show, but these guys are GOOD. Excellent melding of an old-school style of dancing and costumes with a new-school hip-hop song. I hope they advance, they’re my favorites so far. Piers wants to see more — but I think they’re easily the best so far. Sharon and Howie loved it. I knew there was a reason I liked them — Howie even steals my melding commentary.
5. Paul Safy Jr.
So this is the annual Rat Pack singer? Got it. He’s okay but nothing special for me. However, he’s cute and smoldering, he’ll probably advance. He really should just go star in the musical “The Rat Pack.” Shave him up, he’s Dean Martin from far away. Heh. The judges aren’t that impressed either.
6. Future Funk
Do these two remind anybody else of the “Boondocks” kids a little, just in their different looks? This is just about the most adorable thing ever, I want to take them both home with me. I mean — an act like this won’t win (and it shouldn’t) but my god, how awesome and adorable. They will surely advance. OHMYLORD, that one is FIVE?! That is too much.
7. Sally Cohn
An old lady who hand whistles and is on Facebook? Awww. So she’s whistling … I know this song … wait for it … “Hero.” I knew I’d get there. Is this a way to kiss-up to Nick Cannon? Either way, I’m ready to get the hook/sound the gong/throw tomatoes. I mean, she seems like a sweet old lady and I feel a bit like I’m beating a kitten with a shovel here, but my god. This is terrible. I wouldn’t pay a nickel to go see this. I take it by Howie’s tear-welled eyes that she is some kind of sad story? I don’t care. Move it along.
8. Nick Pike
Nick advanced because Trystan and Krystan had to drop out. So Nick is adding copious amounts of fire to his routines to make them more VEGAS! [jazz hands]. He does some twirling, some acrobatics, some juggling. It’s … kinda boring, which is weird since there’s so much fire. But the way he’s running around just hitting his marks like some absurdist play is bizarre. There’s too much lag time, not enough substance. Next!
Wait a second — there were 6 girls at the audition, then 5 girls now. WTF, missing girl? Somewhere, Pete Best sheds a tear. Also, what is with the comment about using “moves you might see in Vegas?” You know what’s in Vegas, little girls? Prostitutes and strippers.
Anyway, the RNG girls have a great theme of a girl and her creepy nightmare dolls. The problem is these girls are past the age where they’re just adorable (re: Future Funk) but not old enough that they’re really good yet (grown-up dance groups). I think they are half-baked cookies who need to become fully-baked. How come I see a Samantha doll, a Sally “Nightmare Before Christmas” doll, a Raggedy Ann doll and then .. the First Slayer doll? Is she going to carve Giles’ brain out?
So this is a dominatrix? Does she yodel too? Wait, she’s a painter. Hmmm. Tonight she’s in a water tank and while I’m curious to see where this is going, I’m pretty bored already. Plus, she cheats and uses a pre-painted placard to put Piers’ eyes on the tank. Were her previous acts better? Because this one was a total snooze.
11. Fighting Gravity
I keep wanting to call this group “Defying Gravity” and sing the “Wicked” song. So anyway, this is a great act. Black light/glow-stick numbers are so visually amazing — we did a dance in high school to “Batdance” that involved glow-tape and glow-sticks and it looked awesome. I’m a fan.
So the actual act is pretty awesome. There are a few slip-ups of being able to see glowy stuff we should not see, but it’s just so damn creative and very “Vegas.” Imagine how great that would be if they had a huge budget? Great family-friendly entertainment.
OMFG, did you hear Howie’s black-light joke? EWWWW! But Michael Scott and Dwight Schrute sympathize.
12. Nathaniel Kenyon
A guitarist/singer from a small Southern town? Does he catch chickens too? *Eyeroll* Well, he’s a better singer than Kevin Skinner and he’s super-cute. Kind of like if Ed Westwick mated with Justin Bieber. He could use a little more stage presence, but he’s okay if you like that sort of thing.
And then Howie STEALS my Justin Bieber joke! It’s like he’s in my head! And he wouldn’t like that because it’s messy in there.
Okay, so who should advance? Future Funk, Fighting Gravity, the Hot Shot Tap Dancers for sure. The last spot? I wouldn’t advance anybody, to be honest. But I think Nathaniel Kenyon is probably the most deserving.
What do you guys think? And be sure to tune in for the results show with Selena Gomez and “Rock of Ages” — apparently there is a special surprise guest! I’m going to bet on Bret Michaels. He’s been everywhere lately.